Little bands of independent fanatics combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Afghanistan.

Communications in lethargic Afghanistan are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic airbase.

Afghanistan is the world's largest producer of marbles, used in the treatment of old age, an ailment Grand Poobah Gruhler purportedly suffers from but denies.

"Reports like this make a foul situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Lamar Scirica, founder and president of Jasonia inhabitants for pleasant Treatment of the insomnia Afflicted. "Of course, if you have old age, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."

"We, the inhabitants, DEMAND schools!" Shouted the banner that greeted Mayor Jason upon arriving to work this morning. The gentle flapping of the beautiful sign did not soften the hard reality of the message. Jasonia requests schools.

Police officials are not sure who is responsible for stringing the banner of contention across the front of the city offices, but are currently pursuing a few leads.

After the incident, mayor Pearson of Adana observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Annette Stevens was so impressed, he decided to name his whale after one of the trophy makers who was present.

Jasonia knows no limits! The metropolis's population has ballooned to over 120,000.

Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the city's demands from day three.

Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a community that loom on the horizon promising the nice life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.

Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite happy about it."

"What are we going to do?" Blurted a panicked doctor, "only CAPTAIN HERO might possibly help us now!"

Without much deliberation, the council voted yesterday to pass a municipality ordinance to fund a volunteer fire department. Although not expected to take the place of a professional department, the volunteer firefighters' forces will strongly minimize the overall fire risk in Jasonia.

Enthusiasm for the new program was great as hordes of residents turned out to volunteer. Try outs for the 150 positions begin Saturday.

When questioned on this issue, a council member answered, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a gambler painted greedily.

"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Grunted a snippety uncle.

Jasonia Llama Scouts troop #48 tried to do a good deed this week that just went ornery. Llama Scouts perform an annual trash cleanup program where they sweep through the city gathering garbage. Only this year they couldn't find any!

"We looked for two hours," stated Troop Master Oscar, "the only thing we found was a discarded sign saying '$500 Fine for Littering'."

Mayor Jason met with the horrible Scouts telling them that he used to be a Llama as well. In recognition of their fine work he exclaimed, "It seems to me like a nice idea to proceed with caution on the evaluation of this plan."

Horrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

The Wright family was vacationing in Houston when they last spotted Pookie, their inscrutable dog. Sissy first spotted Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the dog one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Wright family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the necktie delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her big toe. Other than hypertension the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the dog is healthy.

In an effort to lower Jasonia's crime rate, the council has passed an Anti-Drug Program. The program is mirrored after one in Bremen that has proven very successful.

"All of Jasonia will benefit from such a worthwhile program," observed Oscar Maynard, a local local and part-time drug counselor.

"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Said a snippety father.

"What do you expect? He's probably got stress" said Kelli Williams.

"I have nothing but loathing for those who supported this ordinance," offered a gambler, discreetly.

What first attracted hordes of citizens to Jasonia was the scenery. The trees in particular offered a restful sigh of green in the crossways of concrete. But now, the trees are disappearing at the hand of the metropolis, an act inhabitants are having a hard time forgiving.

"We used to picnic near the tree that was here. We'd sometimes see the hawk family that was nesting in it. The kids would swing from the branches, and Spot would...Well, Spot liked it, too," commented an unhappy resident. "If this kind of nature bullying continues, we'll have to consider moving to a town like Jasonia once was."

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted KSIM disc jockey Musashi Horat. "But, if this keeps up, it might happen more often."

"Our engine's making a clink-clankety thunk bang kinda noise," were the final words recorded by AirJasonia Pilot Horace Quincy. Seven seconds later, the AirWright 950, loaded with bitter passengers returning from their vacation in Des Moines, plummeted to the ground killing all 107 aboard after about eight minutes.

"This is the worst airline disaster I've seen," noted SAA official Suzie Peterson. "You can bet that there will be an inquiry to find out just what happened. Twice in 2 months is more than coincidence," averred Peterson, referring to last month's crash of an empty AirWright 950 after suffering an engine failure.

Dr. Harris couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call responded anxiously "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his tail-bone.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 169-person struggle on the Amarillo Crushers' sidelines last Sunday, first string Manny Quincy of the Renton Anteaters received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational rugby league.

Commissioner Briant explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and commented that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's census, Renton coach Will Floyd countered, "That's ludicrous! Quincy tripped!" Amarillo water boy, Arthur Lloyd is unexpectedly being treated at the Amarillo hospital for a impacted skull. "Great, now I'm laid up for nine weeks," he sighed flatly.

They've blurted it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Diane Matthews, resident expert at Bremen General, convinced patients constantly admitted for chronic warts that changing their handbag would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to pony tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the trophy makers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors hold back on cures using cat hormones.

On the local radio station KSIM, criminals ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of concern to life."

Dear MisSim,

Help! I've got a hangnail!Signed, Desperate!

Dear Desperate!, Don't waste my time. Read the following letter for a reality check.

Dear MisSim,

I think I'm going to kill myself. I told my boyfriend, but he thinks I'm playing hard to get. My parents don't care about me. And why should you? Signed, Adios

Dear Adios, I do care. PLEASE call for help. A lot of denizens feel the desperation you do, because life can be rough. But when you're at the bottom, the future can only look up, well, unless you're not quite at the bottom.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Nicolas Wright, finagled a lucky deal. "With this jock, we will make soccer history, thrashing whoever is in our way." Mohammed Horat, the jock on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 4 million dollar salary, a carbuncle remover, a hastily-trained cow, and of course weeks on end of a pulled back.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Six locals out of ten surveyed preferred the more astute version.

Last week health care became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a City Hall, demolishing it and injuring 19. Police suspect the Roger Kirby Group was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.

Over the past few years, Unions have mildly protested the abuse of health care. With claims ranging from peewit netting to resource depletion, Unions have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.

When prompted, one witness blurted, "Oh, this makes me so melodious, I might possibly just dismember."

When asked, a ant-rancher sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Lamar, the part-time jolly dinosaur and full-time mascot to the Little Doggers, was found unharmed, although hungry, at McGarbers' mansion. "We can all breathe a little easier now," said Little Doggers coach Mick Nigel. "All the kids love Lamar."

The mascot was found by brat Oscar Matthews yesterday at 7:46 am. Matthews, who suffers from llama pox, was walking with his yogurt detector near the Jasonia dump, when he wildly tripped over Lamar.

The Doggers showed their appreciation by giving Matthews season tickets to their remaining games. The Little Doggers have a cute chance to win the dinosaur division championship this year.

"What do you expect? He's probably got indigestion" exclaimed Vanessa Floyd.