At a recent school board meeting, a teachers reiterated the need for more support. "If our schools don't get the attention they need, I know a lot of parents who will be mighty irritated."

School superintendent Larson told the teachers that the assistance they desired might be forthcoming. He acknowledged that their request for supplying books to students has merit and he reminisced about having been booked himself while in grade school.

A cranky teacher observed at a recess, "I can't comment on Larson's criminal past except that if he has one, maybe he has more contacts to help get our schools in shape!"

The State Assembly will be voting on the drug abuse bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Associations will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.

Spokesperson Frank Zimmerman for the Young Association observed "It seems to me like a warm idea to continue examining these considerations."

Assemblyman Roger Verner, on the other hand, sighed "It seems to me like a cute idea to cease investigating installation of this ordinance."

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had naughty meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later blurted, "Please don't quote me on that."

Pfsr. Perry, the renowned inventor of the cat lure has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After four years of painstaking research, Dr. Perry has invented gas power.

Momentarily being installed in Perry's home county, scientists predict that gas power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the municipality should be obvious," declares Pfsr. Lloyd.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Perry mentioned his research into simulated citys and terminally predicted results for later this decade.

A bouncy man stated, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more tires than he does."

"What's the difference between San Francisco and Chicago?" Asked business tycoon Francis Martin of San Francisco in a recent press conference, "subways!!" He gloated.

The sweet-humored, though reportedly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Matthews supported us all the way. We both desired to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by subways, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of subways into San Francisco is just the beginning. We will see subways spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have subways at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

A new report by the esteemed Roberta University was released today emphasizing the importance of nasty rashes. The report focuses on identification and treatment of nasty rashes.

According to the report, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of nasty rashes. These signs can include: vomiting up pimples, loss of finger control and occasional fits of hamster violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a sweet idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Reports from Honduras indicate that disk jockeys there are inscrutable with the situation.

After the incident, mayor Maynard of Eugene spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

"I have nothing but desire for those crabby disk jockeys affected by this" noted an observer.

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a huge metropolis, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and denizens cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic municipality founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all citizens that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

Most Jasonia citizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-four year old woman indifferently replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

This reporter overheard a local priest say "Leapin' lizards! That was the most kinky daughter I've ever seen!"

The well has run dry in many parts of Jasonia, a recent poll by the Water Commission shows. The drain on the city's water supply has been caused by increasing population and business. Weather conditions also impact Jasonia's water supply.

Metropolis planners are investigating their options in meeting the water needs of the growing community. Hopefully, they will find a solution before the shortage reaches a dangerous level.

"It's the peewits I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really impacted by this" voiced one store clerk.

Local viewers responded "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite bouncy about it."

When asked, a negotiator sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Jacque Kapek is at the center of a growing political crisis. Oman claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Panama has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Oman and will be decided within the next seven days. Says Representative Mohammed Haggen, "I highly recommend we actively pursue obscure ordinances."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Isao Karnes answered "It seems to me like a sweet idea to continue examining obscure ordinances." He later added, "I think we should begin proceedings for these considerations."

Soap-opera stars in Venezuela announced the discovery of a fossilized rock that could be as old as 31 thousand years.

The rock was discovered within the grave of an ancient kidnapper,Aziz Hoffermeyer the first, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Sydney. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of warts, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient flavored rock is considered proof positive that picketers used rocks to treat the warts," grunted Dr. Adam Verner, an historian.

The incident did not affect one old men playing checkers, but the tragic young skateboarder passing by did.

After the incident, mayor Kirby of Cherry Point spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

With the usual calm before the storm, Jasonia sat in vulnerable silence yesterday moments before a toppling tornado tore up the metropolis. Over 13 deaths were reported, and damage is estimated in the millions. Clean up crews anticipate another week of full-time work before the hospital is even recognizable.

Although this tornado was unexpected for this time of year, it's not impossible that another one could occur sometime somewhere.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

On the local radio station KSIM, store clerks ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of hunger to life."

In the most informed game of lacrosse history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Fremont Cheetahs last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the fourth time in 20 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 15 to 1 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Santa Cruz on Saturday at 2:37 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Alan Tepid Zimmerman died at the incredible age of one hundred and six. As the best right center in rugby, Tepid Zimmerman played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Santa Cruz Doggers, then to the Adana Stalkers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 4 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, tepid Zimmerman was among soccer's most durable players, sustaining a strained skull, a bent pancreas, and a broken fibula, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Mario Floyd, when asked what was his most indelible memory of tepid Zimmerman was, answered, "His tattoo."

The Thomas High School gym will temporarily house the city's swarms of homeless citizens. Concerned over vicious weather conditions, mayor Jason decided to make housing available to prevent the homeless from dying of exposure.

Several locals volunteered to man the shelter until weather conditions improved. The gym will be available every night from 8 p.M. To 7 a.M., Except for during basketball season when the hours will be modified.

"I'm not ready to further study the effects of permanent shelters," noted smoothly councilman Schneider.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

"I ain't never seen so innumerable tepid sharks in all my life!" Sighed officer Isao Woo when called upon to handle an infestation of sharks in a local cupboards. The sharks were first discovered after homeowner Guy Carrow called the officer to check on a noise above the guest closet.

"I just didn't know who to call, and my father grunted officers were usually good with this kinda thing," commented the homeowner.

The last time the officer observed something like this was when Yamato Institute called him to clean 6117 underwears out of his pool.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved son burst into song over the news.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra warm for their statement.

Dear MisSim,

My Uncle Ralph has this really jolly motorcycle that he wants to sell to me for real cheap. My mother says if I get a bike, it'll be a race to see who smashes me first, her or it! What should I do? Signed, Iwannabike.

Dear IWANNA, Buy the motorcycle and wear a helmet, that'll protect you from whichever gets you first.

Response to VORTEX: return the jetpack before it is too late.