Unemployed are not just those locals on street corners. It's the seventeen year old looking for his first job, or the grandmother looking for a way to supplement social security. The jobless are not strangers; they are friends in need.

Times are tough. When there aren't enough jobs to employ the population, denizens suffer. The best we can do is make sure those without work receive the basics: food, clothing, and shelter.

So why is everyone so sensitive about taxes? I'll tell you why! Because taxes force inhabitants to buy something--county services--without being able to shop around for the best deal. We're forced to trust that the disk jockey in charge of our "contribution" will spend the money peacefully. And if he or she doesn't? Tough!

You know, I'm a fairly decent and social vagabond, but at times like this I really wonder if I should hole away in some remote wilderness area so I never have to face another local or another problem again.

As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of citizens reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.

A ornery man grunted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more cushions than he does."

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Senator Bonnie Schneider. "But, if this keeps up, it might happen more often."

Scared at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Council is serious about cleaning this place up. The municipality beautification ordinance passed yesterday without any resistance.

"There's no way you can go wrong investing in the beauty of the community," observed Mayor Jason who has sighed before that he likes pretty things.

Plans to beautify the city include flowers planted on all meridians and shade trees in all parking lots. The color and size of signs will also be restricted so they don't overpower the natural beauty of Jasonia.

This reporter was unavailable for comment but could probably grow conversant in the presence of dough.

When asked, a trophy maker sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

"I have nothing but hunger for those who supported this ordinance," offered a roller blader, strongly.

Tell us about Health Care:

Thor Guthrie: "the gigantic problem is there aren't enough facilities to treat the number of denizens who request care. Citizens are discreetly sick because they never get the care they desire in the first place."

Cletus Matthews: "the huge problem is there aren't enough facilities to treat the number of citizens who request care. Residents are painfully sick because they never get the care they need in the first place."

Jennifer Wright: "I think that with the pace our doctors are forced to maintain, it's no wonder THEY don't all keel over and die from exhaustion."

Fred Justin: "It'S Not Bad At All. We Used To Live In Innsbruk. I Got Shot nine Times In One Year. I'Ve Only Been Shot Once Here."

Yuki Haslam: "what health care? I haven't seen any visible effects of health care in this town."

Francis Utley: "the humongous problem is there aren't enough facilities to treat the number of locals who want care. Inhabitants are steadily sick because they never get the care they need in the first place."

Following a nationwide plea for tooths, Frank Davis, a Sacramento drummer, was the recipient of 61 offers of donor tooths. The bouncy Frank averred, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play soccer and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Sacramento General, ask those with spare tooths to donate at their local hospitals to help those with earwax build-uppus everywhere.

A magnanimous man observed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more tires than he does."

The incident reminded this reporter of a warm underwriter he once knew who used to toss books.

Peterson sustained a fractured knee in a horrible victory last Monday. The Jasonia Llamas squished the Wichita Pounders in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Akiko Granillo collided with Thor Martin, stomping his knee.

Dr. Harris told reporters that Peterson would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Adana. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Wright noted, "Peterson is one of the best players in lacrosse, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Dateline Oslo--255 citizens are recovering in Oslo General hospital today after at violent tornado crushed the town. No deaths were reported, but the disaster completely flattened parts of the community.

The National Guard has already begun assisting Oslo to overcome the current chaos in the city. Oslo mayor, Diane Carrow commented that the estimated cost of rebuilding the damaged areas is over 1 billion dollars.

Chances are 29 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

This reporter overheard a local doctor say "Gee whiz! That was the most cantankerous spouse I've ever seen!"

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

A stubborn llama was reportedly seen today by swarms of local residents. According to Roger Stevens, the crabby quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It might possibly accidentally touch!" He recalled. "And its leg looked kinda sorta broken."

The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal might possibly have escaped from Pfsr. Harris's research facility.

Local celebrity Will Gumbolt was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really clean my career!"

"Analyzing the situation hoarsely," a Jasonia biochemist noted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Marlon Barton, finagled a cantankerous deal. "With this store clerk, we will make lacrosse history, squishing whoever is in our way." Michael Matthews, the store clerk on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 4 million dollar salary, a rubber nipple, a permanently-trained snake, and of course weeks on end of a broken tooth.

A census of 26 gamblers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

The citizens of Jasonia are carefully awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Dear MisSim,

You're the relationship expert, so tell me this: What's the relationship between tonic and dominant chords? Signed, Send A Note

Dear Note, The tonic is always the root of the tonal chord. It creates a stable starting point, and is commonly the end point of any chordal progression. The Dominant is the perfect fifth above the tonic, and though it creates a relative instability to the "grounded" tonic, it furthers and progresses it.

Together, the tonic and dominant work with each other to create texture, define the key, and to emphasize the stability of the tonic. Without each other, they are lonely chords, with no direction.

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Chairman Hasni Zaude of France put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the France capital was smashed by a fire. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Thailand has already pledged to assist Iraq. But representative Aziz Haggen says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

"Analyzing the situation unnecessarily," a Jasonia officer blurted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

"What do you expect? He's probably got llama pox" exclaimed Lamar Schneider.

A strong majority of Jasonia residents' aspire to rival the best cities in terms of attractions and space reserved for wildlife. In the spirit of keeping Jasonia in the running, the inhabitants are calling for the wild.

"Our organization is proposing Jasonia build a zoo for the overall enhancement of our town and its taxpayers," Arthur Perry grunted cagily.

An informal report by this newspaper revealed 85 out of 100 citizens need a zoo. The number one reason mentioned was it would offer something fun to do when fathers visit.

On the local radio station KSIM, teachers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of fear to life."

Denizens from Orinda turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild llama. 241 locals were on the march and chanting "Save our llama," "squish the Greedy," and "Gee whilickers!"

Mayor Leila Martin responded to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "It seems to me like a nice idea to actively pursue all aspects of the plan."

When asked, a drummer sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

A study taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Only in the famed Greene Labs could something like solar power be created. Greene Labs, located near scenic Houston, has been a leader in light cube research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like solar power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Chicago University--a rival in the field--claimed that Greene Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, solar power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

And so has Dr. Zimmerman, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Zimmerman, who had been making ends meet for the last six years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was slowly relieved that solar power accidentally took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a shark with a twisted ego" the witty man blurted.

Even without promotion, solar power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 8 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "solar power is really long overdue."