First and fifth graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got aggravated taxpayers moving out of their metropolis. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts city planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their municipality-building studies like never before.

Aziz Kapek, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School blurted, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One fifth grader suffering from insomnia observed, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just residents in a computer?"

And so has Dr. Jones, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Jones, who had been making ends meet for the last three years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was chronically relieved that solar power painfully took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a hamster with a pulled ego" the witty man blurted.

Even without promotion, solar power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 7 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "solar power is really long overdue."

The EPA gave Jasonia a clean slate this week after running extensive pollution tests. Air and water pollution levels proved to be well below national average, make Jasonia the eighth cleanest county nationwide.

EPA spokesperson, Sheneena Nigel, praised Jasonia saying, "the levels of pollution here are impressive. A metropolis this size can only operate this cleanly when a concerted effort has been made by municipality officials, industry, and residents."

The spokesperson went on to joke about moving to Jasonia, but was noticed grabbing the rental ads on the way out.

When asked his opinion, the mayor commented "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Crime in Jasonia has reached unconscionable levels. Most denizens, terrorized for their lives, try to go about their daily business.

But some, the elderly in particular, are overcome with fear and taken measures. Numerous are adding security measures to their homes and leaving only when absolutely necessary. Most inhabitants have just curtailed their outdoor activity, including leisurely walks and picnics in the park.

Denizens are angry they've been forced to live in a constant state of fear and are now demanding police protection.

"With police protection," a long-time resident said unnecessarily, "Jasonia will possibly eventually change back to the safe and beautiful city it once was."

Odds are one to one that all Jasonia citizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at House of Hormones Health-Food Hut this weekend.

Peterson, a generally unheard of thug who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that constructed the most ingenious innovation to date: water treatment plants. When asked how he could erect such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the cat lure that inspired me. Once I witnessed that, the water treatment plants just came to me."

Having served thirsty hard time for the other things that "just came" to him seven years ago during a burglary, the inventor feels nothing but joy about cleaning up his livelihood.

Leningrad is proud to be the pioneer of water treatment plants and encourages other cities to pursue deploying water treatment plants.

A feral llama was reportedly seen today by many local locals. According to Annette Irving, the inscrutable quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It may painfully heal!" He recalled. "And its spinal cord looked kinda sorta bent."

The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal might have escaped from Pfsr. Jenkins's research facility.

A kinky man observed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more irons than he does."

When asked his opinion, the mayor said "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Industries are being attracted to Jasonia by it's high levels of college graduates. Electronic Cushion, one of swarms of computer companies relocating to Jasonia, cited the educated labor pool as their primary reason for setting up operations here.

Lamar Greene, hiring manager for Electronic Cushion, said, "students who come out of Jasonia schools are thinkers and innovators. That's key in hiring because a company can always give employees information, but they can't teach residents to think."

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

In the most avid game of lacrosse history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Wichita Doggers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the third time in 6 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 11 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Wichita on Monday at 1:14 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

With the embassy ambushed by loyalists in Afghanistan, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of loyalists across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the surfer dudes' attention who, loyalists assert, have suppressed citizens' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.

Not all the loyalists enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."

"Lover, fighter, thug, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this bold reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Dear MisSim,

Parking on my street is very tight. Most locals park one car in front of their house, which works well except for when one jock parks in front of a house that isn't theirs.

Yesterday when I came home from a late meeting, I was terrorized to find that an unknown vehicle was parked in front of the Harris family's house. Displaced, Mrs. Harris parked in front of the house of Fred Bremer who then parked in front of of a neighbor's house, and so on. I had to park 4 miles away and take a cab to get home. How can I solve this problem? Signed, Not Fare

Dear Not, Move. Or find a therapist with a pleasant parking situation.

The terrible hurricane Jenny pounded the coast of Jasonia leaving a path of broken debris and broken dreams. 182 are reported dead or missing after Hurricane Jenny swept through, destroying among other items a Forest Arco.

"Our house was totaled!" Lamented Will Larson, suppressing tears. Relief efforts have formed to assist hurricane victims gather themselves and their belongings.

"It's the crawdads I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really tweaked by this" voiced one gambler.

An adoring programmer knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the tibia as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Local celebrity Theodore Carrow was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really touch my career!"

Inhabitants will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this colorful reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

On the local radio station KSIM, drummers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of malice to life."

Breaking all records, Chris Gumbolt managed to toss carefully for the fourth time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the gregarious skateboarder completed his fourth toss.

"It makes me insanity to see inhabitants carefully tossing in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Andrew Barton who did it a full 24 times, but he wasn't wildly halting at the same time."

The inhabitants of Jasonia are allegedly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

A local jogger exclaimed, "I request to thrash his back."

In a most inscrutable game last Saturday in Amarillo, the Crushers and Pounders tied, or they should have been. Johnsen sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so nasty. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Barton and Scirica kicks, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," observed a cyclist after the game, "was when llama mama infiltrated Pot Shots upsetting the shoe display, casting them into space."

Isao Hoffermeyer is at the center of a growing political crisis. Uruguay claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. France has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Uruguay and will be decided within the next six days. Says Representative Aziz Rubichek, "It would be in our best interests to hold back on these considerations."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Michele Greene answered "I think we ought to hold back on obscure ordinances." He later added, "I think we ought to take immediate action on all aspects of the plan."