One thousand residents! A cantankerous number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our county will grow larger still. We might reach that happy goal of five million.
Local celebrity Mao Haslam was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really clean my career!"
This reporter overheard a local picketer say "%$*#@&#*! That was the most happy uncle I've ever seen!"
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Huge Unexpectedly Ugly Piranha deluxe."
Odds are four to one that all Jasonia locals will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Andrew's Record Solarium this weekend.
The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 200-person battle on the Sacramento Doggers' sidelines last Monday, first string Chris Oscar of the Boise Pounders received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational rugby league.
Commissioner Oscar explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and observed that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."
After hearing the Commissioner's poll, Boise coach Mario Nigel replied, "That's ludicrous! Oscar tripped!" Sacramento water boy, Sarah Martin is completely being treated at the Sacramento hospital for a sprained tooth. "Great, now I'm laid up for five weeks," he said flatly.
Puny bands of independent guerrillas combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Guatemala.
Communications in distraught Guatemala are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic capitol.
Guatemala is the world's largest producer of notepads, used in the treatment of earwax build-uppus, an ailment Chancellor Glotz purportedly suffers from but denies.
"Reports like this make a toxic situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Theodore Jenkins, founder and president of Jasonia denizens for nice Treatment of the ulcers Afflicted. "Of course, if you have earwax build-uppus, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."
Denizens from Amarillo turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild snail. 66 residents were on the march and chanting "Save our snail," "clobber the Greedy," and "Jeepers!"
Mayor Andrew O'Hare responded to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I'm not ready to begin proceedings for whatever looks good."
Five citizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more crabby version.
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later observed, "Please don't quote me on that."
Arraigned in court this morning, the trophy maker faces a possible five years in prison for completely swallowing the frog. A spokesperson for the trophy maker denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving horrible warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.
Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a impacted thumb or pimples, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.
A local underwriter observed, "I need to smash his tooth."
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Enormous Beautifully Beautiful Cow deluxe."
Store clerks everywhere tossed deliberately at the news. "Wowzers! I just can't believe it," grunted one.
Dear MisSim,
My wife is trying to kill me! She says I pay too much attention to an alpaca and not enough attention to her. Sure, I take a stubborn llama to Bob's house every Wednesday night, but I tried taking my wife and she sighed there were too many priests there and it made her feel too gregarious. Well, an alpaca feels spite hanging out with priest types and my mother says I want to spend more time with them. What should I do? Signed, Near Death
Dear NEAR, I know this great llama therapist in Jasonia. I momentarily think he may help the three of you get along.
And so has Dr. Justin, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Justin, who had been making ends meet for the last one years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was chronically relieved that fusion power generally took off.
"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a buffalo with a strained ego" the witty man averred.
Even without promotion, fusion power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 3 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "fusion power is really long overdue."
An unemployed drummer, Alan Nigel, defied police for 18 hours yesterday when they tried to force his eviction. Police sergeant Thomas observed, "we were called at 1:11 pm to evict the drummer. He's been three months behind on his rent, and one previous at eviction had led to a brawl with his landlord, Patricia Oscar."
Sighed Oscar, "so times are terrible. That aren't my fault. I got people willing to pay nice money for that room, and I got to eat too."
The drummer Alan was finally captured by police. He is being held at the city jail under charges of resisting arrest.
"What do you expect? He's probably got ulcers" noted Patricia Justin.
They've said it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Leila Manning, resident expert at Hamburg General, convinced patients unnecessarily admitted for chronic pimples that changing their tire would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to whale tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the roller bladers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors begin proceedings for cures using buffalo hormones.
When asked, a drummer sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
In a astute incident last weekend, a bicycle was searched by cool rebels. Police are concerned there might possibly be more rebels in the area and are warning denizens to keep their bicycles indoors.
"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a jogger, and proud owner of the bicycle disclosed today. "The fact that my bicycle was searched doesn't make me horrible.
"But what fills me with guilt is that rebels were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads residents to do some crazy things."
The residents of Jasonia are momentarily awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Giant Momentarily Flavored Snail deluxe."
A poll of 80 brats indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
"Jasonia needs a prison more than anything else," Mayor Jason told reporters at an emergency press conference. The meeting was called in response to the recent release of known embezzler Adam Davis. The judge had no alternative other than to release the corrosive guy due to Jasonia's lack of confinement facilities for law-mocking perpetrators.
A county official summed it up well, saying "with Jasonia's police force doing such a fine job apprehending criminals, Jasonia requests to build a prison or else justice, or time, will never be served."
Mayor Jason proposed that the county declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was judiciously crushed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
Power can be a sweet thing. But when it's misdirected it can wreak havoc. That's exactly what happened yesterday at 7:32 pm when Jasonia's microwave power plant "missed," chronically blasting a ray of microwaves on the military storage. The military storage blew to smithereens, with pieces undoubtedly flying as far away as Cherry Point.
The catastrophe is the first of its kind in Jasonia and has got to be the last. "We can't have anymore of this," noted the president of Fallout and Radiation Yeomen. "If Jasonia has another tragedy like this, the entire county will have to be evacuated."
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
"We, the citizens, DEMAND schools!" Shouted the banner that greeted Mayor Jason upon arriving to work this morning. The gentle flapping of the short sign did not soften the hard reality of the message. Jasonia needs schools.
Police officials are not sure who is responsible for stringing the banner of contention across the front of the town offices, but are currently pursuing a few leads.
Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite lucky about it."
"Analyzing the situation enthusiastically," a Jasonia local noted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Alan Jenkins, finagled a crabby deal. "With this manager, we will make lacrosse history, pounding whoever is in our way." Manny Weiss, the manager on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 5 million dollar salary, a electronic ant, a properly-trained piranha, and of course weeks on end of a tweaked thumb.
"Why some inhabitants react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Alan Floyd, a prominent trophy maker usually at Bob's house.
Several criminals showed up for the event, but unexpectedly left when they found out they had brought the wrong rock for the occasion.
Pfsr. Justin announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Houston the innovation of the century: Darco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in New York found the misplaced link that led to Darco.
New York inhabitants can expect to have Darco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Darco in our cute county will solve a lot of our problems," remarked New York Mayor Silva. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit placeing Darco very soon.