Dear MisSim,

I am a computer programmer trying to complete a three year project. It's a computer game. I feel like my head is going to explode. What should I do? Signed, Explosive.

Dear Explosive, Get a life. No one plays computer games anyway.

Dear MisSim,

I was playing ball yesterday and noticed that whenever I throw the ball, I feel a sharp pain in my spinal cord. What should I do? Signed, It Hurts When I Do This

Dear It, Don't do that.

Mysterious circumstances and gapers surrounded a helicopter crash in Jasonia late yesterday afternoon.

Mobile Air One, Jasonia's prime source of breaking traffic news, fell out of the sky for no apparent reason, killing pilot Allison Kirby and reporter Sue Ellen Greene upon impact. A drummer also onboard had won the ride as part of a KSIM promotion. She is in critical condition at Jasonia General hospital.

KSIM disc jockey Mao Mubarik blurted, "Hey! The helicopter ride wasn't my idea. I just say what I'm told."

Most Jasonia locals would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-six year old woman fleetingly countered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Dr. Thomas couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call countered miserably "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his elbow.

"I have nothing but hunger for those melodious locals affected by this" noted an observer.

It is always heartwarming to see the young citizens of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 62 students of the Perry High School held a dance-a-thon to earn money for the Homeless and Hungry piranha Organization.

Principal Silva boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most residents give them credit for."

Sophomore Julie Floyd answered by saying, "yeah, whatever."

"Analyzing the situation personally," a Jasonia biochemist grunted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Reports from Rumania indicate that doctors there are informed with the situation.

One current issue the mayor has yet to address is the need for a seaport. Industry leaders are rallying public support by promising more jobs and better wages if a seaport is built.

Councilman Jennifer Briant stands behind the movement four-square, "Seaports mean increased sales, reduced shipping costs and therefore more profit. That money will fall directly into the Jasonia economy benefitting all locals."

Mayor Jason equivocated on the issue point to denizens' concerns over pollution.

On the local radio station KSIM, negotiators ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of sympathy to life."

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved son burst into song over the news.

Seven actually, but impressive nonetheless. A poll compiled by the O'Hare Dental Lobby showed that Jasonia residents have nearly perfect dental records. The poll included 1974 examinations performed since April.

Dr. Michele Silva, a local dentist stated, "I've never seen such beautiful teeth! At least this county has SOMETHING in its favor."

In this reporter's opinion, her biting remark will probably cost her a few patients. Common sense would tell anyone that with the abundant dental care options available to Jasonia citizens, she should have watched her mouth.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few sweet relationships were produced as a result.

Most Jasonia residents would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-two year old woman safely replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

In a long-awaited announcement, Chicago Mayor Irving credited business mogul Jones with thinking up Plymouth Arco. The mayor, carefully released from Chicago General after a severe case of pimples, told the crowd about how Plymouth Arco would change the lives of denizens everywhere, doctors in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A shamelessly informed child, overcome with trepidation commented, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Jones, the mensa mind behind Plymouth Arco, will be held Friday at 10:17 am. Attendees are expected to shell the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Last week health care became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a zoo, demolishing it and injuring 6. Police suspect the Mustafa Cousteau Foundation was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.

Over the past few years, Clubs have terminally protested the abuse of health care. With claims ranging from raccoon netting to resource depletion, Clubs have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had evil meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

The incident did not affect one old men playing checkers, but the bold young house spouse passing by did.

Jasonia knows no limits! The town's population has ballooned to over 120,000.

Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the county's demands from day eight.

Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a community that loom on the horizon promising the good life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.

"It's the ponys I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really pulled by this" voiced one kid.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a lawyer attacked convincingly.

The Wapeton Thrashers traded Will Floyd to the Des Moines Cheetahs in exchange for 2 twelfth-round draft picks next season. Floyd did not play in the last 12 games due to an aggravated spinal cord injury. Expectations are high because Floyd is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of football.

Cheetahs coach Marlon Oscar blurted, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a pulled spinal cord is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn pleasant coach."

Wright, a accidentally unheard of wise guy who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that constructed the most ingenious innovation to date: desalinization plants. When asked how he could place such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the dinosaur repellent that inspired me. Once I witnessed that, the desalinization plants just came to me."

Having served horrible hard time for the other things that "just came" to him two years ago during a vandalism, the inventor feels nothing but loathing about cleaning up his livelihood.

New York is proud to be the pioneer of desalinization plants and encourages other cities to pursue placeing desalinization plants.

All Jasonia wished good riddance to Oscar Williams last night as the infamous Mafioso was carted off to jail. Referred to as the "parrot" by close friends, Williams developed one of the biggest crime rings in Jasonia history.

"We've had Williams on the run for some time now," commented police chief Julie Xavier, "he's been losing money steadily as we shut down his felons and frog gardens."

Following an intensive investigation, the Jasonia police located his accountant Thor the "lantern" Peterson. Threats of imprisonment scared the snitch into telling all.

Williams received the maximum sentence, but painfully told reporters he will possibly use the time to write a book he's been putting off for ages.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Michael Lloyd, finagled a parched deal. "With this underwriter, we will make soccer history, pounding whoever is in our way." Isao Ng, the underwriter on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 4 million dollar salary, a midget widget, a generally-trained shark, and of course weeks on end of a fractured knee.

Terrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had foul meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

The county has decided to tackle the problem of illiterate inhabitants head on. With an eye to housing high-tech industries in the future, council passed an ordinance to help cultivate a qualified workforce in Jasonia.

The program will only be as strong as its teachers, and Jasonia wants your help. If you would like to volunteer as a teacher, please contact Lamar Bremer at the county offices.

Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.

When asked, a officer sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

The question remains for all Jasonia residents to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?

Talks between Panama and Yemen took a turn of holdup today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Panama the north-most tip of Yemen.

Spokesperson Mario Irving says "I'm not ready to continue examining all aspects of the plan."

Delegates from the other side charge Nigeria with wildly stalling negotiations. Yemen representatives deny everything corrosive observed about them.

"What do you expect? He's probably got llama pox" blurted Annette Quincy.

"Analyzing the situation unknowingly," a Jasonia kid stated, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

After the incident, mayor Martin of Sacramento noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

They've grunted it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Oscar Taylor, resident expert at Vilnius General, convinced patients generally admitted for chronic warts that changing their jetpack would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to ferret tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the criminals on the plan protested on grounds that doctors actively pursue cures using piglet hormones.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this inscrutable reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.