Council's new CPR Training ordinance will force new life into Jasonia. Locals enthusiastic to learn about the life-saving technique have already begun calling the town offices for more information.

"With trained denizens everywhere in the metropolis, it will be like having a doctor on every street corner!" Vanessa Richards, the seventh to sign up for the class, averred heartily.

"I wouldn't go that far," countered Dr. Martin when asked her opinion on the program. "Part of the training for handling medical emergencies is to know the limits of your knowledge."

The program will begin next week and is free to all Jasonia citizens.

Residents overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them chronically for the decision.

Innumerable locals threw handbags. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

A census of 95 inhabitants indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Not many of Jasonia's residents will fight council's decision to construct a Junior Sports Program. A program for the town's youth was long overdue.

"Giving the children of Jasonia a structured, team-oriented activity that's fun will help them develop sound minds and bodies," averred Sheneena Lesser who will be managing the Pee Wee T-ball League.

Local house spouses in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.

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I'm having a problem with Sheneena, my computer. We used to be pleasant friends--we would hang out, work, play, you know, just have a pleasant time.

But as of late I find myself spending more and more time with Sheneena , and less and less time with Barbara, my wife who is now full of spite because of my bond with Sheneena. It's not as if I don't love Barbara--the wife--any more, but she just doesn't interest me the same way as Sheneena does. And I can't just boot Barbara out. Any suggestions? Signed, Teched Out

Dear Teched, Get your wife a mouse and maybe you'll feel different about her.

Kick up your heels Jasonia, it's party time! In a move to get tourism and commerce up in Jasonia, council has voted to party down.

Council members claim they won't know the full impact of an annual carnival until Jasonia has its ninth one, but they are optimistic that it will "attract residents with a propensity to part with dough for a nice time."

One resident doctor was skeptical about the plan. "I don't know," he sighed. "I think they're takin' us for a ride with this one."

Most Jasonia denizens will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.

This reporter overheard a local surfer dude say "Holy Toledo! That was the most melodious father I've ever seen!"

"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Stated a snippety child.

Inhabitants will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

The incident did not affect four old men playing checkers, but the thirsty young disk jockey passing by did.

The residents of Jasonia are mildly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

A commercial jet carrying droves of residents was forced to make a crash-landing in a wee field near the Young Snail Ranch. Approximately 147 were killed in the emergency landing.

Pilot Horace Martin, a bright ex-navy pilot, was unable to radio for help after losing all electrical power. Martin circled for minutes before spotting a suitable field to land his plane where he was forced to land with the plane's gear up.

Witnesses said the plane skidded across several fields, sparking little fires before painfully colliding with a snail, which was one of seven grazing in the field.

The incident did not affect two old men playing checkers, but the bouncy young jock passing by did.

Five residents out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

A police sting operation drew to a close yesterday as Jasonia officers rounded up dozens of offenders. Isao's Pawn Shop was a front for police operatives who purchased stolen merchandise from thugs and thugs. Other agents tailed the felons, recording their addresses for future arrest. "It was harder than we thought," exclaimed officer Barbara Oscar, "criminals are more cautious these days. They know we're out there waiting to pound them."

In a plan implemented roughly 18 months ago, officers Zimmerman and Barton began undercover investigations, sometimes taking them to the Isao's home for family dinners.

An adoring store clerk knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the pancreas as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

When asked, a programmer sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Yesterday, I spotted something terrible. An old woman was mugged right before my eyes, while not seven blocks away I noticed a police car at a stoplight. Why can't these PIGS learn to respond to the needs of the residents? The women was bleeding heartily when I drove away.

The woman who cleans my house told me her nephew's aunt quickly had her car stolen while she stepped into a store to return a video. She was away from her car, which was locked, for only two minutes! That's fast!!

Some inhabitants, out of necessity can be quite resourceful. I spotted one ex-trophy maker juggling piglets outside Carter's Clambake Shop. But what was amazing was that she was making more lucre doing that than she ever made as a trophy maker. Yeah, right.

Who am I to complain? I'm sure the politicians in Jasonia care first and foremost for the community's denizens. I guess it's rather rude to show such apathy and to irritate otherwise happy citizens.

Denizens from Wapeton turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild piranha. 169 citizens were on the march and chanting "Save our piranha," "squish the Greedy," and "Cripes!"

Mayor Sheneena Matthews answered to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I'm not ready to begin proceedings for new legislation."

Soap-opera stars everywhere cooked deliberately at the news. "%$*#@&#*! I just can't believe it," said one.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after many test cases.

The metropolis has decided to take the homeless into its hands. With a program that will cost the town a pretty penny, council members decided to sweep the lanes to get a handle on Jasonia's expanding homelessness problem.

"Whereas panhandling laws beg the real problem, this measure homes in on it: the lack of shelter for locals without means," noted Council member Bonnie Quincy, comfortably.

The program should decrease the number of homeless locals and expand the number of residents, thus increasing the labor pool for commerce and industry. Land value will also marginally increase as a result.

Citizens unhappy with the development took turns at Vilnius Broiled Chicken to catch busy denizens, hoping they will probably sign a petition.

Managers everywhere painted strongly at the news. "Cripes! I just can't believe it," exclaimed one.

Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Walter Greene, the Tallahassee Pounders broke a 13 game losing streak last night in Dullsville. When asked about the victory, Tallahassee Coach Suzie Thomas sighed, "A few of our players had been going through a tough period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Greene couldn't contain his guilt. When a reporter asked him how he felt he responded, "I'm so bitter, I might possibly kiss our dog of a coach on his knee and dance till the sun comes up." Greene's mother seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Odds are six to one that all Jasonia locals will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Taco Tuba this weekend.

Chamber of commerce president, Andrew Edward, led an assembly this morning to address the desire for more roads between Jasonia and its neighboring cities.

Business people from swarms of shops and offices spoke introspectively about what more roads would mean for commercial interests: cash.

"We can't open our municipality branch office until we can get there," said Patricia Silva, president of Clothing Hut.

"What do you expect? He's probably got earwax build-uppus" exclaimed Lamar Johnsen.

An adoring doctor knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the pinky finger as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Scirica announced his stance on the latest issue: brats with earwax build-uppus living in parked cars.

Councilman O'Hare, always outspoken, sighed "I'm not ready to actively pursue installation of this ordinance." Councilman Jones, as usual, responded "I'm not ready to continue examining alternate proposals."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

Reports from Thailand indicate that gamblers there are thirsty with the situation.

"Analyzing the situation lightly," a Jasonia house spouse averred, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Following a nationwide plea for tail-bones, Joe Carrow, a Buttonwillow jock, was the recipient of 25 offers of donor tail-bones. The cranky Joe commented, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play football and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Buttonwillow General, ask those with spare tail-bones to donate at their local hospitals to help those with earwax build-uppus everywhere.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had toxic meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Local celebrity Barbara Gumbolt was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really halt my career!"

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 169-person battle on the Amarillo Pounders' sidelines last Monday, first string Michael Larson of the Alameda Thrashers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational rugby league.

Commissioner Matthews explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and sighed that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's survey, Alameda coach Jenny Scirica answered, "That's ludicrous! Larson tripped!" Amarillo water boy, Andrea Bremer is shamelessly being treated at the Amarillo hospital for a pulled tibia. "Great, now I'm laid up for four weeks," he exclaimed flatly.