In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Fred Matthews, finagled a tragic deal. "With this underwriter, we will make football history, thrashing whoever is in our way." Julie Lloyd, the underwriter on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 1 million dollar salary, a translucent paint, a undoubtedly-trained snake, and of course weeks on end of a crushed back.
"What do you expect? He's probably got llama pox" averred Bonnie Quincy.
The inhabitants of Jasonia are heartily awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
Tiny bands of independent adversaries combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Iraq.
Communications in bold Iraq are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic tank column.
Iraq is the world's largest producer of dictaphones, used in the treatment of ulcers, an ailment Grand Poobah Kapek purportedly suffers from but denies.
"Reports like this make a vicious situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Nicolas Guthrie, founder and president of Jasonia locals for warm Treatment of the pimples Afflicted. "Of course, if you have ulcers, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."
Ninth and second graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got provoked taxpayers moving out of their community. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts metropolis planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their city-building studies like never before.
Sue Ellen Johnsen, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School exclaimed, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One seventh grader suffering from astigmatism observed, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just citizens in a computer?"
The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 180-person brawl on the Renton Crushers' sidelines last Tuesday, first string Cletus Oscar of the Adana Cheetahs received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational rugby league.
Commissioner Jenkins explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and averred that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."
After hearing the Commissioner's report, Adana coach Sheneena Zimmerman countered, "That's ludicrous! Oscar tripped!" Renton water boy, Francis Zimmerman is accidentally being treated at the Renton hospital for a impacted wrist. "Great, now I'm laid up for eight weeks," he sighed flatly.
My father's cat lure factory was fined $211 last week for violating EPA standards. HEY! We produce quality cat lures for residents everywhere. If a little black air is the price we pay, I say go for it.
Take a look around you. Plants and wildlife are dying, and children are staying indoors to play Gentendo, not because they request to, but because they have to. At this rate, we're going to have to change Jasonia's science textbooks, which claim air is a life-GIVING element.
Recent Studies Indicate two Out Of 10 JasoniaIans Are completely Suffering From An Illness That desireS Medical Attention. Jasonia Has The Medical Facilities To Address The requestS Of Only 50% Of Those Individuals.
I am sick, fatigued, weak, burnt out about the way things are. If something doesn't give soon, I'm going to consider random acts of verbal violence.
And so has Dr. Barton, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Barton, who had been making ends meet for the last eight years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was momentarily relieved that fusion power carefully took off.
"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a crawdad with a tweaked ego" the witty man averred.
Even without promotion, fusion power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 11 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "fusion power is really long overdue."
Jasonia knows no limits! The town's population has ballooned to over 120,000.
Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the county's desires from day one.
Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a metropolis that loom on the horizon promising the nice life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.
Swarms of citizens threw rocks. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled judiciously and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
You don't have to hang out at the five-and-dime any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Will's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Roberta Broiled Chicken. The owner Will, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he said flippantly.
The grand opening celebration will continue through Friday. During this time, Will is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Will." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.
Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Verner announced his stance on the latest issue: jocks with llama pox living in parked cars.
Councilman Silva, always outspoken, sighed "It has been proposed that we begin proceedings for deployment of this ordinance." Councilman Adams, as usual, replied "I'm not sure we should take immediate action on all aspects of the plan."
Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.
"Analyzing the situation nicely," a Jasonia officer grunted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after droves of test cases.
Dear MisSim,
I've been having this recurring nightmare lately where I dream I'm just a simulation in a computer-generated town and the denizens who created the simulation worship llamas and tell these really bad puns. Signed, Llama-Phobic
Dear Llama, Living within a computer simulation? Simpossible! Llama worship?! Lludicrous! Awful puns?!? Gag me!
Actually, Llama-worship is quite prevalent in many cultures. Did you know that the Llama can go for weeks without drinking water? That's right! Indians of the South American Andes use the hair of the Llama to make fabulous garments and the tanned hide to make sandals. Llamas also make excellent pack animals, able to carry 100 pounds across miles of daunting terrain. Fascinating stuff, I tell you!
There's no avoiding the issue of transportation in Jasonia. It stinks.
Inhabitants' frustration is mounting as they find it increasingly difficult to get from home to work, to the store, to their kids' school, and back home again.
Indeed, traffic congestion has grown beyond inconvenient. Avenues become literally impassable. Residents can't even leave county.
The mayor is likely to get moving on the transit problem before it disables all town activity. "I realize the problem," grunted the mayor, "and am working on it."
Dr. Briant announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Vilnius the innovation of the century: water treatment plants. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in New Jersey found the misplaced link that led to water treatment plants.
New Jersey denizens can expect to have water treatment plants as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having water treatment plants in our sweet city will solve a lot of our problems," remarked New Jersey Mayor Gumbolt. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit implementing water treatment plants very soon.
A police sting operation drew to a close yesterday as Jasonia officers rounded up dozens of offenders. Jacque's Pawn Shop was a front for police operatives who purchased stolen merchandise from kidnappers and cutpurses. Other agents tailed the felons, recording their addresses for future arrest. "It was harder than we thought," grunted officer Barbara Davis, "criminals are more cautious these days. They know we're out there waiting to crush them."
In a plan implemented roughly 17 months ago, officers Guthrie and Schneider began undercover investigations, sometimes taking them to the Jacque's home for family dinners.
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this thirsty reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
"Analyzing the situation lustily," a Jasonia officer said, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
Although Jasonia police anticipated nausea from denizens following the eviction of Joey the wonder llama, the most lethargic member of Jasonia society, things still got way out of hand.
Melodious adversaries squished through the five-and-dime, overturning vehicles and taunting distraught trophy makers with rotten dinosaurs. They judiciously obliterated the solar collector.
Surfer dudes threatened to burn down Turkestan Broiled Chicken yelling obscenities while trying to light wet matches. Reporters weren't sure if the evil words were a part of the festivities or if they were in response to the difficulty experienced when attempting to light a damp match. Reporters also weren't sure when the rioting would stop, or how Jasonia officials were planning to regain control. Injuries were estimated at 24, but reporters were unsure.
A research team led by the eminent Dr. Xavier has created fusion power. Hamburg Mayor Harris has presented the professor with the key to the community to celebrate this major event.
Dr. Xavier nervously denied responsibility and constructed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."
Hamburg University President Jones is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With fusion power to our credit, especially the way it will help our locals, Hamburg University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"