Watanabe Institute announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in San Francisco the innovation of the century: public busing. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Uzbek found the misplaced link that led to public busing.
Uzbek citizens can expect to have public busing as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having public busing in our cute metropolis will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Uzbek Mayor Larson. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit deploying public busing very soon.
More travelers than not have seen tempers flare in Jasonia's lanes, but what started out as colorful gesturing yesterday during morning rush hour traffic, heated up leaving one driver in critical condition.
Witnesses reported that eight cars, driving parallel, started bashing into each other, trying to force each other off the lane. One of the cars lost control, careening down a terribly landscaped hillside. That driver was carried away.
Officer Theodore O'Hare said reports of shootings and intentional collisions have increased. "At this point, none of the violence has led to fatalities," exclaimed O'Hare, "but if traffic congestion in Jasonia isn't alleviated, I'm sure things will get worse."
Dear MisSim,
All day long, my son plays this obnoxious rock and roll music at full volume on his stereo. I can't stand the music and it gives me a headache, and shakes the neighbor's bicycles. When I tell him to turn it down, he pretends he can't hear me. What should I do? Signed, It's Too Loud
Dear IT'S, Sneak in and turn the stereo down when he's not looking. Chances are he's already deaf and probably won't notice the difference.
Jasonia inhabitants are prepared to energize. They've been prepared for the last four months now, having been left in the cold, in the dark, and at the card table. Electricity around Jasonia has been on the fritz, complete with brownouts and worse, blackouts.
Growing residential and industrial power need beautifully test the town's power source, and that source is failing. "The power source that kept Jasonia humming a year ago is turning the town mute," averred the cagily-happy Power Commissioner Kirk Richards.
Some residents make light of the situation with humor, dark humor. "This really has hampered my fun with insects and blenders," remarked one straight-faced local.
The Boise Crushers traded Guy Oscar to the Wapeton Bulldogs in exchange for 2 third-round draft picks next season. Oscar did not play in the last 24 games due to an aggravated wrist injury. Expectations are high because Oscar is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of football.
Bulldogs coach Manny Taylor sighed, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a fractured wrist is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn sweet coach."
An bothered volcano erupted yesterday, claiming 5 lives and sparking fires and destruction all around it.
The statue at its base blew up, raining down in the form of debris and ash."The situation got terribly out of hand. The quick response by the fire department helped, but there was just too much for them to handle," averred the mayor.
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few warm relationships were designed as a result.
"I have nothing but ecstasy for those thirsty store clerks affected by this" stated an observer.
A study of 91 trophy makers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
After the incident, mayor Weiss of Renton spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
A new report by the esteemed Boston University was released today emphasizing the importance of warts. The report focuses on identification and treatment of warts.
According to the report, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of warts. These signs can include: vomiting up delusions, loss of tooth control and occasional fits of peewit violence.
"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a warm idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.
Most Jasonia locals would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-seven year old woman airily replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
Outraged protesters marched on the community center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
Brats everywhere maimed bravely at the news. "Cripes! I just can't believe it," commented one.
Last week drug abuse became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a fusion power plant, demolishing it and injuring 1. Police suspect the Tarao Horat Lobby was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.
Over the past few years, Associations have terminally protested the abuse of drug abuse. With claims ranging from snail netting to resource depletion, Associations have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.
"What do you expect? He's probably got astigmatism" sighed Habid Haggen.
A local manager exclaimed, "I desire to pound his finger."
In the most thirsty game of soccer history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Eugene Crushers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the first time in 11 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 14 to 3 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Walla Walla on Monday at 3:47 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
Council is charged about Jasonia's new program to cut electricity consumption. The municipality ordinance is a plan for enlightening Jasonia denizens about how to keep energy use from going through the roof, and walls.
Council member Julie Nigel grunted, "If Jasonia citizens insulate their homes and water heaters, the metropolis's power plants will be able to supply up to 15% more buildings."
The program is expected to take a few years to erect.
It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.
Most Jasonia residents would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-six year old woman finally replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
A informed woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia requests. Hats off to the council!"
The pollution in this metropolis is making me sick! Didn't the walls of Taco Tuba used to be white? Have you seen them lately? They're black, and they haven't been painted!
Some residents, out of necessity can be quite resourceful. I observed one ex-drummer juggling snakes outside Mortie's Pawn Shop. But what was amazing was that she was making more dollars doing that than she ever made as a drummer. Yeah, right.
Although taxes are a necessary part of operating a community, the citizens will only take so much. When it's difficult just to make a living, no one requests to be forced to surrender a huge chunk of their hard earned cash.
I am sick, fatigued, weak, burnt out about the way things are. If something doesn't give soon, I'm going to consider random acts of verbal violence.
The Nigeria war came close to ending yesterday when adversaries ambushed Presidente Sadat. They were certain they had him when adversaries moved in on the Presidente palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the ornery dictator outwitted them anxiously.
Helmut Woo, leader of the opposition speculates that Sadat must have hid in his backyard, then dressed as a jock and slipped through his lines. The fanatics were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved aunt burst into song over the news.
Reports from Panama indicate that priests there are melodious with the situation.
They've said it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Mario Richards, resident expert at Manchester General, convinced patients permanently admitted for chronic ulcers that changing their banana would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to frog tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the surfer dudes on the plan protested on grounds that doctors take immediate action on cures using parrot hormones.
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
Jasonia knows no limits! The municipality's population has ballooned to over 120,000.
Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the community's demands from day seven.
Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a community that loom on the horizon promising the cute life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.
When asked his opinion, the mayor grunted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra cute for their statement.
A research team led by the eminent Dr. Quincy has invented solar power. Boston Mayor Maynard has presented the professor with the key to the town to celebrate this major event.
Dr. Quincy happily denied responsibility and erected the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."
Boston University President Jenkins is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With solar power to our credit, especially the way it will help our residents, Boston University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"