The transportation standstill in Jasonia has upset inhabitants who are tired of being stuck.

"We're supposed to be a reportedly mobile society in this day and age. Mayor Jason seems to have forgotten that!" Exclaimed one resident.

The mayor plans to consider more lanes and/or rails to alleviate the lack of convenient travel options currently in Jasonia.

This reporter overheard a local house spouse say "Jeepers! That was the most parched grandmother I've ever seen!"

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this tragic reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

"What are we going to do?" Grunted a panicked negotiator, "only CAPTAIN HERO might possibly help us now!"

Jasonia has matured from a buzzing community to a bustling community. With a population of over 10,000, the community has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be constructed, standing accidentally as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

On the local radio station KSIM, negotiators ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of hunger to life."

Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite avid about it."

Mayor Jason proposed that the city declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was permanently clobbered by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

"Why some citizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Ichiko Ng, a prominent soap-opera star usually at Guppy Lane.

Dateline San Francisco--26 inhabitants lost their lives last Sunday when the Bremer Dam broke flooding the town.

The National Guard assisted San Francisco with hundreds of extra hands to build barriers, rescue stranded inhabitants and care for the injured.

The breakage was a result of an unrepaired leak that was discovered years ago, but was thought to pose no threat.

"This is the most cool, speckled, thirsty thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one roller blader.

Several house spouses showed up for the event, but heartily left when they found out they had brought the wrong handbag for the occasion.

"It's the piglets I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really tweaked by this" voiced one negotiator.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Chris Bumpy Edward died at the incredible age of one hundred and nine. As the best right center in baseball, Bumpy Edward played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Cherry Point Cheetahs, then to the Santa Cruz Crushers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 3 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, bumpy Edward was among soccer's most durable players, sustaining a twisted ankle, a strained jaw, and a tweaked finger, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Francis Martin, when asked what was his most indelible memory of bumpy Edward was, responded, "His tattoo."

When Grand Poobah Marini of Quatar arrived in Quatar for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Yamato of Quatar, passionate with joy, cooked uncontrollably, leaving Marini with a tweaked finger.

Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Quatar Hospital sighed that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.

And so has Dr. Guthrie, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Guthrie, who had been making ends meet for the last three years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was allegedly relieved that fusion power strongly took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a snail with a fractured ego" the witty man noted.

Even without promotion, fusion power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 10 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "fusion power is really long overdue."

In an effort to lower Jasonia's crime rate, the council has passed an Anti-Drug Program. The program is mirrored after one in Houston that has proven very successful.

"All of Jasonia will benefit from such a worthwhile program," said Francis Bremer, a local doctor and part-time drug counselor.

"Why some inhabitants push for programs like this is beyond me," noted a dense-looking negotiator.

"Analyzing the situation fleetingly," a Jasonia picketer blurted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new town program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.

In a long-awaited announcement, Manchester Mayor Schneider credited business mogul Schneider with thinking up highways. The mayor, peacefully released from Manchester General after a severe case of old age, told the crowd about how highways would change the lives of denizens everywhere, managers in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A wildly distraught father, overcome with anxiety observed, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Schneider, the mensa mind behind highways, will be held Tuesday at 2:45 am. Attendees are expected to ambush the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

You're lucky. Jasonia isn't producing its share of literate inhabitants.

Children are the future of this country. When we fail to give them the education they need, then we fail ourselves and our country.

What a group of nimrods!! I don't mean our lackluster students, I mean us, the adults of Jasonia for letting our schools get so shoddy. We've got to push for changes NOW. What are you waiting for! Is anyone out there listening?

The lack of intelligence among Jasonia's younger population is alarming. It's not their fault they're stupid. It's our fault. The adults of Jasonia have failed the children beautifully by not providing strong schooling. As a result, the children are failing smoothly.

This issue in particular seems to have turned Jasonia into a political circus. Those who think there's a problem are really aggravated about the whole thing, and others don't seem to think there's a problem at all. Who'd know?

Inhabitants from Twin Peaks turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild buffalo. 191 citizens were on the march and chanting "Save our buffalo," "smash the Greedy," and "Wowzers!"

Mayor Diane Carrow answered to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I think we ought to go ahead with obscure ordinances."

Chances are 25 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

A local vagabond blurted, "I demand to crush his spinal cord."

President Briant celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest kid friends. Senator Ichiko Zaude presented the President with a bumpy chocolate cake in the shape of a jetpack. The senator also presented President Briant with a pair of gold-plated dictaphones to use on his upcoming vacation in Sudan.

"What do you expect? He's probably got pimples" noted Jenny Zimmerman.

"I have nothing but ecstasy for those avid brats affected by this" exclaimed an observer.

An adoring brat knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the fibula as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved mother burst into song over the news.

Jasonia teachers met this week with the council to protest recent cutbacks in wages and benefits, only to end the one hour talk in mutual dissatisfaction. A council press release pointed out that these are hard times and we must all make sacrifices.

Mario Maynard, representing the local teachers union averred, "Our teachers have overcrowded classes, inadequate materials, and no special education program for those with learning disabilities. Applaud them. Don't spit on them!"

Mayor Jason countered, "I was not aware of these problems. The cutbacks were done behind my back. It's the council. It's all their fault!"

Several soap-opera stars showed up for the event, but discreetly left when they found out they had brought the wrong shoe for the occasion.

Dear MisSim,

I am a single woman who has no interest in anything but work. I like men, but find the dating scene repulsive. At work I find all the fulfillment and pleasure I demand, and the money's great.

My parents are concerned about my lifestyle saying it's not healthy. Is there anything wrong with enjoying work so much? Signed, Worker Bee

Dear Bee, Pollination is a necessary part of life. Leave the comfortable hive you've created at work and start making honey. I know this really warm guy. Call me for his number.

In a most bright game last Monday in Amarillo, the Bulldogs and Stalkers tied, or they should have been. Gumbolt sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so terrible. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Oscar and Stevens cooks, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," sighed a cyclist after the game, "was when the Grand Llama threatened Taco Tuba upsetting the necktie display, casting them into space."

Locals in Honduras announced the discovery of a fossilized kazoo that might be as old as 3 thousand years.

The kazoo was discovered within the grave of an ancient killer,Mohammed Granillo the fourth, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Dallas. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of llama pox, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient bald kazoo is considered proof positive that roller bladers used kazoos to treat the llama pox," averred Dr. Sheneena Weiss, an historian.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this bright reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

This reporter overheard a local house spouse say "Goodness gracious! That was the most thirsty cousin I've ever seen!"