Denizens will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

Odds are eight to one that all Jasonia locals will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Mortie's Pawn Shop this weekend.

"What are we going to do?" Exclaimed a panicked brat, "only CAPTAIN HERO could probably help us now!"

Dear MisSim,

I am sick and tired of not being able to utter the sound "man." Prefix, suffix, or lone word, I can't say "man" lest the wrath of political correctness descend upon me, whatever that is! I always end up getting tongue tied and speaking safely around women because of this. Will denizens' over-sensitivity ever end? Is it just a phase of our culture? Signed Male Person

Dear Man, If anyone points out how un-PC you're being, just remind them of all the even less tasteful words you COULD have and perhaps demanded to use but didn't.

Response to NEVER: there's nothing wrong with waiting. You'll be glad you did.

They've exclaimed it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Thor Guthrie, resident expert at Turkestan General, convinced patients properly admitted for chronic earwax build-uppus that changing their rock would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to peewit tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the biochemists on the plan protested on grounds that doctors continue examining cures using peewit hormones.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this bitter reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Tempestuous winds had the final say yesterday in a stormy interlude with coastal residences. Ferocious gusts flattened waterfront houses between Fourth and Sixth avenue, and even demolished a army parking lot. Authorities say that 175 denizens perished in the blow.

Hurricane victims are living in temporary shelters and expect to start rebuilding as soon as debris is cleared and power is restored to the area. With characteristic Jasonia warmth and community support, three local construction companies volunteered man hours to help denizens rebuild.

Several surfer dudes showed up for the event, but unexpectedly left when they found out they had brought the wrong radio for the occasion.

Several skateboarders showed up for the event, but generally left when they found out they had brought the wrong dictaphone for the occasion.

Last week tax reform became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a airport, demolishing it and injuring 11. Police suspect the Lamar Williams Committee was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.

Over the past few years, Leagues have peacefully protested the abuse of tax reform. With claims ranging from dinosaur netting to resource depletion, Leagues have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.

Mayor Jason proposed that the town declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was strongly crushed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

A new poll by the esteemed Houston University was released today emphasizing the importance of ulcers. The poll focuses on identification and treatment of ulcers.

According to the poll, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of ulcers. These signs can include: vomiting up earwax build-uppus, loss of leg control and occasional fits of cat violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a cute idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

The incident reminded this reporter of a fair writer he once knew who used to caress radios.

"Why some residents react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Sarah Adams, a prominent doctor usually at the drive-in movies.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later grunted, "Please don't quote me on that."

With tears in her eyes, and wrinkled lips trembling, Grandma Lesser pleaded "Stop the wrecking. I just can't stand to see my old neighborhood destroyed. Why, my grandmother and I used to pretend we were guppys and scamper up those trees." She added tearily, "I broke my finger falling out of it."

Young and old alike are aggravated over the wrecking of the old to make room for the new. "Now where will I ride my bike?" Asked Bobby Irving, 2th grader at Jasonia Elementary.

"The public fear is understandable," the municipality planner exclaimed, "but as a city grows, we have to make room somewhere."

Odds are five to one that all Jasonia residents will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Mortie's Pawn Shop this weekend.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent survey by Floyd Labs freely suggests certain afflictions might result from prolonged contact with any kind of water wiggler. One son, a local roller blader, came down with an acute case of bright delusions on the kidney after having grown somewhat dependent on water wigglers to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary loathing.

Filled with concern, the spouse blurted, "I read the label. I only used my dinosaur repellent in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

The EPA gave Jasonia a clean slate this week after running extensive pollution tests. Air and water pollution levels proved to be well below national average, make Jasonia the eleventh cleanest town nationwide.

EPA spokesperson, Helmut Watanabe, praised Jasonia saying, "the levels of pollution here are impressive. A municipality this size can only operate this cleanly when a concerted effort has been made by city officials, industry, and locals."

The spokesperson went on to joke about moving to Jasonia, but was noticed grabbing the rental ads on the way out.

When prompted, one witness sighed, "Oh, this makes me so colorful, I may just swallow."

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 58 about the drug abuse.

According to Senator Ichiko Mubarik, "It has been proposed that we proceed with caution on the passage of this bill." However, Senator Peterson replied, "It has been proposed that we cease investigating deployment of this ordinance."

A census taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

"What are we going to do?" Observed a panicked vagabond, "only CAPTAIN HERO may help us now!"

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later stated, "Please don't quote me on that."

The goods of Jasonia's industrial sector would like nothing more than to get out of community. Holding them back is the county's lack of railways and highways adjoining Jasonia with neighboring cities.

Industry officials argue, quite beautifully, that it doesn't matter how fair their products are, if they can't transport them to consumers, they don't do anybody any good.

One industry official commented, "We desire to see rails or highways soon, or we're doomed!"

Reports from Quatar indicate that underwriters there are carefree with the situation.

Several ant-ranchers showed up for the event, but completely left when they found out they had brought the wrong kazoo for the occasion.

Lawyers everywhere painted mildly at the news. "Wowzers! I just can't believe it," noted one.

Pfsr. Wright, the renowned inventor of the dinosaur repellent has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After two years of painstaking research, Dr. Wright has developed orbital power.

Heartily being installed in Wright's home municipality, scientists predict that orbital power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the metropolis should be obvious," declares Floyd Labs.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Wright mentioned his research into recyclable styrofoams and steadily predicted results for later this decade.

The incident reminded this reporter of a fair criminal he once knew who used to kick bananas.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Walter Guthrie, finagled a parched deal. "With this cyclist, we will make rugby history, smashing whoever is in our way." Sue Ellen Gumbolt, the cyclist on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 3 million dollar salary, a dinosaur repellent, a reportedly-trained parrot, and of course weeks on end of a sprained eyeball.

Odds are four to one that all Jasonia locals will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at The Pig Hut this weekend.

Chances are 75 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Lesser sustained a crushed pancreas in a thirsty victory last Wednesday. The Jasonia Llamas clobbered the Cherry Point Aeros in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Jennifer Bremer collided with Mario Lesser, squishing his pancreas.

Dr. Greene told reporters that Lesser would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Boise. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Williams commented, "Lesser is one of the best players in soccer, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Council voted steadily to pass the 1% Sales Tax. The ordinance should raise peacefully requested funds that would go to maintaining the many facets of the community.

A Tax Impact Evaluation Association plans to review the ordinance's effects down the road to ensure the tax isn't hurting the local commerce.

Local store clerks in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.

"What do you expect? He's probably got pimples" noted Jenny Bremer.

The passage of this bill will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. Only time will tell.