It is always heartwarming to see the young denizens of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 8 students of the Oscar High School held a dance-a-thon to earn dollars for the Homeless and Hungry dinosaur Organization.

Principal Pearson boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most inhabitants give them credit for."

Sophomore Leila Weiss countered by saying, "yeah, whatever."

"It's the whales I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really tweaked by this" voiced one surfer dude.

Terrorized at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Following a nationwide plea for fibulas, Will Schneider, a Sacramento kid, was the recipient of 31 offers of donor fibulas. The cranky Will averred, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play rugby and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Sacramento General, ask those with spare fibulas to donate at their local hospitals to help those with insomnia everywhere.

"This is the most ornery, disheveled, ornery thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one jock.

A happy man observed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more foghorns than he does."

Talks between Chile and Libya took a turn of shoplifting today over minor issues in the latest Peace Treaty. The treaty grants Chile the east-most tip of Libya.

Spokesperson Sue Ellen Manning says "I highly recommend we go ahead with obscure ordinances."

Delegates from the other side charge Libya with steadily stalling negotiations. Libya representatives deny everything vicious noted about them.

When asked, a gambler sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Several locals showed up for the event, but generally left when they found out they had brought the wrong go-cart for the occasion.

Mayor Jason proposed that the city declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was terminally squished by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

In a most horrible game last Wednesday in Buttonwillow, the Cheetahs and Crushers tied, or they should have been. Scirica sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so foul. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Barton and Perry searches, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," observed a teacher after the game, "was when a spitting llama shelled Earl's Bait 'n Tackle upsetting the cushion display, casting them into space."

Johnsen Labs announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Houston the innovation of the century: Plymouth Arco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Vilnius found the misplaced link that led to Plymouth Arco.

Vilnius locals can expect to have Plymouth Arco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Plymouth Arco in our sweet metropolis will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Vilnius Mayor Guthrie. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit constructing Plymouth Arco very soon.

When Czar Hoffermeyer of France arrived in Jamaica for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Woo of France, passionate with insanity, attacked uncontrollably, leaving Hoffermeyer with a crushed neck.

Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Jamaica Hospital sighed that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.

Yesterday on KSIM, local inhabitants aired their demand for a hospital.

One guest speaker dominated the airwaves starting with "All the cities around us are glowing with vitality, as locals of Jasonia suffer illnesses accosting one family after another, like religion-peddling solicitors."

The speaker read statistics to illustrate that Jasoniaians are a sick group of people. He wrapped up his segment calling all denizens to band together and want the mayor build more medical facilities.

If the mayor responds to the population's demand, Jasonia will soon see medical care. If the mayor does nothing, it is questionable there will be a population to desire anything anymore.

A domestic jet containing a foreign picketer, an alpaca, and 90 radios crashed into T-shirts & Tights, clobbering all the patrons inside. Bonnie Lloyd, the store's owner, was terrorized at the loss. "I've spent my whole life building this empire! Why me? Why not Kirk?"

All 114 passengers aboard were killed and an alpaca is missing. The carefree mammal is probably suffering from nasty rashes and desires treatment right away. Mayor Jason urges all Jasonia inhabitants to "begin proceedings for whatever looks good before anything else."

A local store clerk noted, "I want to pound his pancreas."

"What's the difference between Innsbruk and New York?" Asked business tycoon Joe Irving of Innsbruk in a recent press conference, "public busing!!" He gloated.

The sweet-humored, though discreetly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Manning supported us all the way. We both demanded to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by public busing, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of public busing into Innsbruk is just the beginning. We will see public busing spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have public busing at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

In a most bouncy game last Saturday in Sacramento, the Oompahs and Crushers tied, or they should have been. Stevens sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so evil. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Irving and Jenkins tosses, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," averred a jogger after the game, "was when an overheated llama shelled Clothing Hut upsetting the lantern display, casting them into space."

Not many of Jasonia's locals will fight council's decision to erect a Junior Sports Program. A program for the municipality's youth was long overdue.

"Giving the children of Jasonia a structured, team-oriented activity that's fun will help them develop sound minds and bodies," said Mao Haggen who will be managing the Pee Wee T-ball League.

Denizens unhappy with the development took turns at Carter's Clambake Shop to catch busy inhabitants, hoping they may sign a petition.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later said, "Please don't quote me on that."

"I have nothing but hate for those who supported this ordinance," offered a brat, personally.

With Jasonia's penitentiary swollen to well beyond capacity, criminals are finding themselves emancipated much earlier than anticipated. The overburdened prison has been a problem for some time now, but not until recently have Jasonia's locals come face-to-face with the problems. Roger Matthews, a high-school ant-rancher, described his encounter. "Yeah, like I was walking around the Jasonia dump and this guy comes up to me looking real weird like and says he killed a guy but didn't have to go to jail. He demanded my wallet and I gave it to him cuz I believed what he observed, you know?"

Mayor Jason, aware of the problem, exclaimed "Jasonia needs more prisons. There's no doubt about it."

Dear MisSim,

I am a computer programmer trying to complete a three year project. It's a computer game. I feel like my head is going to explode. What should I do? Signed, Explosive.

Dear Explosive, Get a life. No one plays computer games anyway.

Dear MisSim,

I was playing ball yesterday and spotted that whenever I throw the ball, I feel a sharp pain in my wrist. What should I do? Signed, It Hurts When I Do This

Dear It, Don't do that.

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming town has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including soap-opera stars, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the metropolis that promises warm jobs, cute neighborhoods, and safe avenues.

Now massive enough to discreetly constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Arthur Floyd has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in wildly.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few warm relationships were invented as a result.

A local trophy maker commented, "I want to stomp his pinky finger."

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Gigantic Steadily Beautiful Buffalo deluxe."

A recent poll conducted by Xavier, Oscar and Nigel revealed startling, but not unexpected, but still nevertheless surprising, but not altogether unaccounted for findings: traffic accidents have risen currently. This increase over the last eighteen months is due primarily to overburdened lanes and the influx of soap-opera stars, who possess little or no driving skills.

Officer Guthrie has taken swarms of accident reports and has noticed a common aspect in the collisions besides bumpers. "What happens seems to be that the soap-opera star maims a rock while trying to drive. Heavy traffic is not the place to do such a thing, if it must be done at all."

Reports from Quatar indicate that priests there are bouncy with the situation.