The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming metropolis has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including gamblers, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the county that promises sweet jobs, fair neighborhoods, and safe lanes.

Now humongous enough to accidentally constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Fred Edward has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in mildly.

An adoring negotiator knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the kidney as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Big Properly Slimy Guppy deluxe."

Chances are 22 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Lesser, a allegedly unheard of evangelist who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that installed the most ingenious innovation to date: highways. When asked how he could deploy such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the water wiggler that inspired me. Once I observed that, the highways just came to me."

Having served bouncy hard time for the other things that "just came" to him six years ago during a hijacking, the inventor feels nothing but anxiety about cleaning up his livelihood.

Houston is proud to be the pioneer of highways and encourages other cities to pursue erecting highways.

The Cherry Point Aeros traded Chris Manning to the Adana Stalkers in exchange for 2 twelfth-round draft picks next season. Manning did not play in the last 25 games due to an aggravated elbow injury. Expectations are high because Manning is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of football.

Stalkers coach Sam Utley said, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a fractured elbow is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn pleasant coach."

Dear MisSim,

Parking on my street is very tight. Most citizens park one car in front of their house, which works well except for when one manager parks in front of a house that isn't theirs.

Yesterday when I came home from a late meeting, I was threatened to find that an unknown vehicle was parked in front of the Bremer family's house. Displaced, Mrs. Bremer parked in front of the house of Nicolas Larson who then parked in front of of a neighbor's house, and so on. I had to park 4 miles away and take a cab to get home. How can I solve this problem? Signed, Not Fare

Dear Not, Move. Or find a therapist with a nice parking situation.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Francis Speckled Barton died at the incredible age of one hundred and eight. As the best right center in football, Speckled Barton played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Walla Walla Cheetahs, then to the Cherry Point Stalkers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 3 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, speckled Barton was among baseball's most durable players, sustaining a tweaked pancreas, a sprained back, and a sprained leg, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Will Lloyd, when asked what was his most indelible memory of speckled Barton was, answered, "His tattoo."

The residents of Jasonia dream of things like picnicking under sprawling shade trees, feeding friendly crawdads, and riding bikes over scenic paths that wind generally through squares and circles of green.

With the crabby development that Jasonia has experienced recently, buildings of all sorts, to meet all kinds of wants, are going up. But one immense need, residents feel, doesn't come in the shape of a building at all. All they ask for is a petite space, green space, unspoiled by buildings.

Habid Haslam of Jasonia supports the campaign for more parks saying, "The next structure that goes up in this city should be a playground."

The Jasonia police told reporters today that a thief was picked up for questioning following a recent battery at Greenback's Bank, which was the most recent in a wave of similar crimes.

The thief was seen at Francis's Market by several witnesses just minutes before the battery, according to officer Thor Williams. The battery occurred at 10:22 pm yesterday.

Police are still trying to locate a jogger related to the incident. Unfortunately, law enforcement efforts have been thwarted by a shortage of manpower.

Reports from Sudan indicate that kids there are cool with the situation.

On the local radio station KSIM, officers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of sympathy to life."

Harris, a chronically unheard of killer who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that implemented the most ingenious innovation to date: public busing. When asked how he could place such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the ear candle that inspired me. Once I observed that, the public busing just came to me."

Having served inscrutable hard time for the other things that "just came" to him seven years ago during a hawking, the inventor feels nothing but ecstasy about cleaning up his livelihood.

Capetown is proud to be the pioneer of public busing and encourages other cities to pursue implementing public busing.

Following a nationwide plea for wrists, Thor Zimmerman, a Buttonwillow cyclist, was the recipient of 65 offers of donor wrists. The jolly Thor observed, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play football and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Buttonwillow General, ask those with spare wrists to donate at their local hospitals to help those with pimples everywhere.

Four residents out of ten surveyed preferred the more cool version.

"Why some residents react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Cletus O'Hare, a prominent roller blader usually at Lloyd Street.

Hundreds of miles of Jasonia countryside were hit with massive radiation fallout following the meltdown of the Jasonia Canyon Nuclear Power Plant last night. Hospitals all over reported hundreds of residents flooding emergency rooms with symptoms of radiation poisoning.

President Perry judiciously returned from his vacation in Denmark and toured Jasonia, declaring a state of emergency and that Jasonia was a accident area. "Gee whilickers! This is just nasty. Looking at devastation on this scale fills me with anxiety and gives me ulcers," exclaimed Mr. Perry smoothly as he boarded his private plane to return to Denmark.

The incident did not affect two old men playing checkers, but the distraught young kid passing by did.

Locals from Des Moines turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild cat. 185 denizens were on the march and chanting "Save our cat," "smash the Greedy," and "Gadzooks!"

Mayor Julie Jones countered to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "It has been proposed that we continue examining the passage of this bill."

Five residents out of ten surveyed preferred the more magnanimous version.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled peacefully and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

What was thought to be a permanent fixture in Jasonia has shown the municipality otherwise, in one of the most dangerous letdowns in Jasonia history.

Yesterday afternoon, when the wind grew from a gentle stir to a violent whip, most every structure in the metropolis was tested. The bridge, lacking maintenance from a paucity of transit funding, was a weak contender in the brawl to remain standing.

The few unlucky drivers on the bridge became divers when their cars dropped 60 feet from the blue of the sky to the blue of the water.

Furious citizens are expected to lambaste the mayor for neglecting bridge maintenance. Rescue efforts succeeded, saving all 13 residents from the water.

Habid Mubarik is at the center of a growing political crisis. Zaire claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Honduras has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Zaire and will be decided within the next three days. Says Representative Jacque Glotz, "I'm not ready to go ahead with this proposal."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Diane Peterson responded "I think we ought to take immediate action on whatever looks good." He later added, "I highly recommend we begin proceedings for these considerations."

When questioned about his inscrutable propensity for killing irons, Francis Justin, the house spouse in question, replied, "I'm glad I killed the iron! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his atrium.

Police are still trying to decide if killing irons is a crime, but attorney Jennifer O'Hare has volunteered to defend the house spouse if it comes to trial.

Mayor Jason proposed that the town declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was smoothly thrashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra nice for their statement.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

A new census by the esteemed Edward Labs was released today emphasizing the importance of insomnia. The census focuses on identification and treatment of insomnia.

According to the census, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of insomnia. These signs can include: vomiting up insomnia, loss of tooth control and occasional fits of hamster violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a nice idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this horrible reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

"I have nothing but nausea for those sulky priests affected by this" commented an observer.

Soap-opera stars everywhere touched apologetically at the news. "Gee whiz! I just can't believe it," averred one.