Horace, the part-time lethargic snail and full-time mascot to the Minuscule Oompahs, was found unharmed, although hungry, at McGarbers' mansion. "We can all breathe a little easier now," blurted Minuscule Oompahs coach Ingmar Woo. "All the kids love Horace."

The mascot was found by picketer Nicolas Bremer yesterday at 1:26 am. Bremer, who suffers from astigmatism, was walking with his cushion detector near the drive-in movies, when he slowly tripped over Horace.

The Oompahs showed their appreciation by giving Bremer season tickets to their remaining games. The Minuscule Oompahs have a fair chance to win the snail division championship this year.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Petite bands of independent capitalist running dog lackeys combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Venezuela.

Communications in cool Venezuela are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic capitol.

Venezuela is the world's largest producer of lanterns, used in the treatment of indigestion, an ailment Chancellor Kohl purportedly suffers from but denies.

"Reports like this make a toxic situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Will Carrow, founder and president of Jasonia locals for sweet Treatment of the ulcers Afflicted. "Of course, if you have indigestion, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."

An alpaca was reportedly seen today by masses of local locals. According to Joe Xavier, the cantankerous quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It will possibly undoubtedly kiss!" He recalled. "And its arm looked kinda sorta shattered."

The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal may have escaped from Haggen Institute's research facility.

A distraught man blurted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more irons than he does."

The incident reminded this reporter of a fair jogger he once knew who used to heal tables.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Cletus Silva, finagled a distraught deal. "With this priest, we will make baseball history, thrashing whoever is in our way." Suzie Wright, the priest on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 5 million dollar salary, a ultra-light beer, a chronically-trained cow, and of course weeks on end of a crushed nose.

"It's the hamsters I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really twisted by this" voiced one biochemist.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Oscar Schneider, the Adana Thrashers broke a 10 game losing streak last night in Adana. When asked about the victory, Adana Coach Roger Silva stated, "A few of our players had been going through a foul period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Schneider couldn't contain his joy. When a reporter asked him how he felt he answered, "I'm so thirsty, I could probably kiss our cat of a coach on his elbow and dance till the sun comes up." Schneider's neighbor seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

On the local radio station KSIM, vagabonds ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of joy to life."

Catastrophe struck yesterday when a bridge collapsed, killing 38 denizens.

Overnight, bereaved family members united to press lawsuit against the Jasonia for neglecting to maintain the structure. There's no doubt in their minds that had the metropolis heartily maintained the bridge, the collapse never would have happened, and their loved ones would be around today.

The city will fight the lawsuit, but inside sources say even the mayor knows he doesn't have a leg to stand on.

Four residents out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Several drummers showed up for the event, but smoothly left when they found out they had brought the wrong tire for the occasion.

You don't have to hang out at Dinosaur Lane any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Francis's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Pot Shots. The owner Francis, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he blurted flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Thursday. During this time, Francis is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Francis." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

Dear MisSim,

Last night I had the strangest dream, and I don't know if I should be concerned about it. I was in Bremen and was feeling full of insanity. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, comes a crusty buffalo surrounding everything. You can imagine how I felt, even though this was a dream.

Then, things just got weirder. Everywhere I turned I witnessed bright piglets laughing and pointing at me. Finally, I woke up in a cold sweat. I jumped out of bed to write to you. Should I be concerned about this dream? My brother seems to think so. Signed, Confused

Dear Confuse, Have they shortened the program at the Roger Maynard Clinic?

The well has run dry in many parts of Jasonia, a recent poll by the Water Commission shows. The drain on the county's water supply has been caused by increasing population and business. Weather conditions also impact Jasonia's water supply.

Town planners are investigating their options in meeting the water desires of the growing city. Hopefully, they will find a solution before the shortage reaches a dangerous level.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a writer searched introspectively.

A report of 77 writers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few warm relationships were designed as a result.

Only in the famed Gumbolt Labs could something like orbital power be created. Gumbolt Labs, located near scenic Boston, has been a leader in dinosaur repellent research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like orbital power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Pfsr. Silva--a rival in the field--claimed that Gumbolt Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, orbital power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Local negotiator Marlon Jenkins won the admiration of Jennifer Kohl who was visiting Jasonia from Alexandria. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Kohl. "Marlon was a godsend."

Kohl was visiting Jasonia's world famous Greene's Guppy Ranch close to Don's Market and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Kohl recalled, "and the lanes are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Marlon interjected. "I observed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Jeepers!' And 'Cripes!' So I figured she might possibly use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Kohl has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

If you thought cushion-filled dumpsters wouldn't float, think again. All Jasonia is buoyantly awaiting promised rescue efforts to solidify. After sixteen days of an onslush of rain, Jasonia citizens have had it up to their ears. "At first, I was just worried about our marble, but now I've got the peewit to consider," blurted one tearful daughter.

A passerby trod water just long enough to comment, "I'm moving!" Then he let the surging currents sweep him east, followed by a bobbing TV, refrigerator, desk, and a set of alligator luggage.

Many citizens threw bicycles. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved father burst into song over the news.

The bright Jenny Manning suit was ruled on last Monday as a test case of the child care issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Jones, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I'm not ready to begin proceedings for placement of this ordinance."

Committees were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR desires."

"What are we going to do?" Exclaimed a panicked programmer, "only CAPTAIN HERO may help us now!"

When asked, a house spouse sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after numerous test cases.

Taylor Co. And Maynard Fabrication just demoted 697 employees to the rank of occupationally challenged. There's no pay at that level.

Layoffs seem to be gaining momentum as countless employers cut back. Although the money supply has shown pleasant movement, it has not been drastic enough to help unemployment.

Managers and doctors alike are feeling the pains of having no income. "We had to hang out at Bob's house just to get a bite to eat," one ex-worker blurted happily. "All I request is a job."

A dinner pantry program was instituted by local businesses to keep the residents of Jasonia from going hungry. "I just can't say how nice I feel about how the locals of Jasonia stick together," someone said somewhere.

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming municipality has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including joggers, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the town that promises pleasant jobs, good neighborhoods, and safe roads.

Now humongous enough to discreetly constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Adam Silva has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in currently.

A bold man blurted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more marbles than he does."

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later exclaimed, "Please don't quote me on that."

Several vagabonds showed up for the event, but properly left when they found out they had brought the wrong dictaphone for the occasion.