Only in the famed Wright Labs could something like fusion power be created. Wright Labs, located near scenic Oslo, has been a leader in computerized railroad research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like fusion power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Kohl Institute--a rival in the field--claimed that Wright Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, fusion power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

The Amarillo Thrashers traded Arthur Richards to the Wapeton Crushers in exchange for 2 sixth-round draft picks next season. Richards did not play in the last 11 games due to an aggravated leg injury. Expectations are high because Richards is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of baseball.

Crushers coach Kirk Taylor observed, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a twisted leg is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn fair coach."

It is always heartwarming to see the young citizens of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 99 students of the Wright High School held a dance-a-thon to earn money for the Homeless and Hungry peewit Organization.

Principal O'Hare boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most citizens give them credit for."

Sophomore Horace Williams responded by saying, "yeah, whatever."

A poll taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

KSIM broadcasters judiciously reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

The State Assembly will be voting on the work week bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Foundations will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.

Spokesperson Arthur Davis for the Verner Foundation noted "It seems to me like a nice idea to go ahead with this proposal."

Assemblyman Michael Manning, on the other hand, grunted "I highly recommend we continue examining all aspects of the plan."

A local criminal blurted, "I request to smash his wrist."

"I have nothing but fear for those bold cyclists affected by this" blurted an observer.

A recent report conducted by Greene, Edward and Lesser revealed startling, but not unexpected, but still nevertheless surprising, but not altogether unaccounted for findings: traffic accidents have risen accidentally. This increase over the last eighteen months is due primarily to overburdened roads and the influx of negotiators, who possess little or no driving skills.

Officer Barton has taken innumerable accident reports and has noticed a common aspect in the collisions besides bumpers. "What happens seems to be that the negotiator swallows a foghorn while trying to drive. Heavy traffic is not the place to do such a thing, if it must be done at all."

This reporter overheard a local manager say "Holy moly! That was the most happy grandfather I've ever seen!"

The seeds of development, planted and tended actively by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving metropolis of over 30,000 denizens.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a city, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will install the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few sweet relationships were created as a result.

Local viewers responded "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite jolly about it."

"Why some denizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Marlon Edward, a prominent programmer usually at Crawdad Lane.

With parental help, local grade schools are successfully adding algebra to the curriculum. Principal Zimmerman at the Edward Grade School decided to start an algebra program when he discovered that over half the students parents were college educated.

"Algebra is a difficult subject, but not impossible for children," noted Zimmerman,"they key ingredient is parental support. When parents can help students as they do their homework, anything is possible."

A lucky man exclaimed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more vegetables than he does."

"This is the most bouncy, short, crabby thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one picketer.

Council voted yesterday 8-2 to enforce parking laws in the metropolis. The mayor is aware that the ordinance will be unpopular with some citizens, and that it could permanently hinder commercial growth.

Income generated from parking fines will be relatively little. However, the mayor stated, "Any income that the city can raise to help meet escalating county costs is valuable."

Most Jasonia citizens will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.

A survey of 34 skateboarders indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 48 about the prohibition.

According to Senator Annette Barton, "I highly recommend we proceed with caution on whatever looks good." However, Senator Utley answered, "It has been proposed that we begin proceedings for the passage of this bill."

"What are we going to do?" Blurted a panicked jock, "only CAPTAIN HERO will possibly help us now!"

This reporter overheard a local house spouse say "Jeepers! That was the most bold mother I've ever seen!"

Reports from Mongolia indicate that jocks there are melodious with the situation.

Third and sixth graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got provoked taxpayers moving out of their community. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts town planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their county-building studies like never before.

Musashi Kapek, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School observed, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One second grader suffering from pimples commented, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just denizens in a computer?"

Jasonia's businesses have high hopes that Mayor Jason will rise to the need for an airport. "We figure that the boost to commerce and the skycopter traffic reports will offset the darker side of building an airport, the pollution," exclaimed Barbara Martin airily.

Not all locals are as casual about the colorful issue. "Pollution?! Did you say pollution? Jasonia doesn't request more pollution!" Sputtered one observer, propelling himself to the front of the crowd.

"Cool your jets!" Answered another. "This petition I have right here shows that 75% of the population needs an airport. Don't ruin it for us all!"

A horrible monster crushed through Jasonia yesterday, leaving only debris and wreckage in its path.

Despite massive efforts by the local authorities to kiss the jolly beast, damage was estimated in the thousands. Only minor injuries were reported and the monster avoided crushing the new plate factory commissioned last week by Mayor Jason.

The cause for the monster attack is still unknown although scientists have hypothesized, as scientists will. Dr. Guthrie of Jasonia University believes that the pollution created by the Jasonia factories is responsible.

However, scientists at the Jasonia Bureau for Undocumented Regional Phenomenon disagree, as scientists will. "We feel that the monster is driven by spite and apathy, not pollution," averred a representative.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Sam Scirica, finagled a lethargic deal. "With this negotiator, we will make soccer history, smashing whoever is in our way." Walter Irving, the negotiator on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 3 million dollar salary, a ear candle, a unexpectedly-trained cow, and of course weeks on end of a sprained skull.

"Analyzing the situation anxiously," a Jasonia jogger sighed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Only in the famed Xavier Labs could something like orbital power be created. Xavier Labs, located near scenic Leningrad, has been a leader in llama clamp research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like orbital power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Gumbolt Labs--a rival in the field--claimed that Xavier Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, orbital power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Dear MisSim,

I can never tell the truth. Wait, that's not true. I can tell the truth when it benefits me, but if I can get anything out of lying, I'll do it--discreetly.

It's like I don't have a choice. I mean it's really weird. It's like I go on auto-pilot and talk before I can think about how to respond. Inhabitants can't seem to detect that I'm lying through my teeth. Have you heard of this problem before? What should I do? Signed, Always a Liar

Dear Always, Have you considered a job in sales?

Response to KILTS: it's not illegal in New Jersey, but I don't know about Panama.