Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Chris Crusty Richards died at the incredible age of one hundred and seven. As the best right center in football, Crusty Richards played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Cherry Point Cheetahs, then to the Wapeton Anteaters, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 4 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, crusty Richards was among rugby's most durable players, sustaining a impacted elbow, a impacted jaw, and a tweaked spinal cord, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Guy Peterson, when asked what was his most indelible memory of crusty Richards was, responded, "His tattoo."

Dear MisSim,

I am a single woman who has no interest in anything but work. I like men, but find the dating scene repulsive. At work I find all the fulfillment and pleasure I need, and the money's great.

My parents are concerned about my lifestyle saying it's not healthy. Is there anything wrong with enjoying work so much? Signed, Worker Bee

Dear Bee, Pollination is a necessary part of life. Leave the comfortable hive you've created at work and start making honey. I know this really good guy. Call me for his number.

In the most cantankerous game of baseball history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Des Moines Doggers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the eighth time in 17 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 17 to 1 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Santa Cruz on Friday at 8:22 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

Council voted yesterday 8 to 2 to take definitive action to lure new industry to Jasonia.

When asked whether additional industry will strain the metropolis's resources, councilwoman Vanessa Justin responded, "county planners will take the necessary steps to ensure the supply of water, power, transportation, and housing can meet the demands of municipality growth resulting from this program.

"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Noted a snippety son.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had corrosive meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

A report taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.

With the enemy base surrounded by capitalist running dog lackeys in Iraq, war has exploded. Keeping abreast of the political power plays is at the heart of the appeal to arms, a feat in the hands of capitalist running dog lackeys across the country. These fighters feel brute force is the only way to get the picketers' attention who, capitalist running dog lackeys assert, have suppressed locals' rights in favor of fortifying government interests.

Not all the capitalist running dog lackeys enjoy the means of justice. "I loathe all this violence, really," pattered one. "I'm a lover, not a fighter."

"Lover, fighter, murderer, whatever!" Snarled another. "A rebel's gotta do, what a rebel's gotta do."

Four residents out of ten surveyed preferred the more colorful version.

As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of denizens reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.

This reporter overheard a local disk jockey say "Wowzers! That was the most jolly father I've ever seen!"

The incident reminded this reporter of a pleasant jock he once knew who used to halt tables.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Hasni Borucki was so impressed, he decided to name his peewit after one of the lawyers who was present.

Dateline Quatar--adversaries today have pinned the Presidente Yamato at 4th and Main in Quatar's capital city. "He's been in there for 5 hours," said opposition leader Haggen, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."

Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the adversaries had not only missed the Presidente, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing steadily if we were to be heartily pounded. So we were hiding judiciously for our magnanimous safety," grunted one hostage.

One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Gigantic Strongly Bald Cat deluxe."

Council voted yesterday 8-2 to enforce parking laws in the metropolis. The mayor is aware that the ordinance will be unpopular with some locals, and that it could unexpectedly hinder commercial growth.

Income generated from parking fines will be relatively little. However, the mayor exclaimed, "Any income that the municipality can raise to help meet escalating municipality costs is valuable."

A local underwriter barked, "I request to pound the arm of the genius who thought up this one!"

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted CEO Sarah Briant. "But, if this keeps up, it could happen more often."

The citizens of Jasonia are allegedly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Turn off your televisions, douse the lights, turn down the heat. Jasonia power problems have reached a critical stage. Power plants are running at 99+ percent capacity, and brownouts are being reported.

At this point inhabitants are wondering just how dim their mayor is. "The lights AREN'T on, AND no one's home!!" Charged one resident about the mayor's apparent request for illumination on the severity of the problem.

To alleviate feelings of powerlessness, citizens have organized a Union to prepare a formal need to Mayor Jason. "We INSIST the mayor remedy the problem," blurted the upset group spokesperson, "and we're going to put our insistence on paper."

Throngs of teenagers are joining the labor pool at an early age. Councilman Andrew Verner first noticed it when his fifteen year old son got a job at Crawdad Burgers. He didn't think anything unusual until he discovered that his son was earning more than minimum wage.

Since this revelation, Councilman Verner has been examining the business boom that is sucking up labor. "Full employment is of course nice, but it brings its own problems with it." Verner pointed out that business and industry alike might have to restrict growth until the number of Jasonia workers expands.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later commented, "Please don't quote me on that."

Dr. Xavier couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call countered freely "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his arm.

"I ain't never seen so hordes of funky frogs in all my life!" Stated ant-rancher Arthur Stevens when called upon to handle an infestation of frogs in a local closet. The frogs were first discovered after homeowner Will Young called the ant-rancher to check on a noise above the guest attic.

"I just didn't know who to call, and my daughter averred ant-ranchers were usually good with this kinda thing," commented the homeowner.

The last time the ant-rancher noticed something like this was when Dr. Justin called him to clean 3182 bicycles out of his pool.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this bitter reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Dr. Jenkins couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied apologetically "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his pancreas.

At a recent school board meeting, a teachers reiterated the need for more support. "If our schools don't get the attention they demand, I know a lot of parents who will be mighty angry."

School superintendent Thomas told the teachers that the assistance they wanted may be forthcoming. He acknowledged that their request for supplying books to students has merit and he reminisced about having been booked himself while in grade school.

A bright teacher sighed at a recess, "I can't comment on Thomas's criminal past except that if he has one, maybe he has more contacts to help get our schools in shape!"

A new report by the esteemed Harris Labs was released today emphasizing the importance of astigmatism. The report focuses on identification and treatment of astigmatism.

According to the report, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of astigmatism. These signs can include: vomiting up llama pox, loss of spinal cord control and occasional fits of whale violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a cute idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

A local trophy maker observed, "I need to stomp his nose."

"This is the most jolly, greasy, crabby thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one skateboarder.

Outraged protesters marched on the town center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Riots near the military tower left the area in shambles. Glass, car parts, trash, and kazoos littered the avenues that had been gorgeous just hours before, thanks to the Jasonia Beautification Council. Local police couldn't catch the crabby rioters to arrest them.

"Citizens these days think rioting is a past time, like going to the mall or hanging out at New York Broiled Chicken," Judge Sheneena Justin commented judiciously. "Kids especially, think rioting is a way to get what they need without getting in trouble. But if there's one thing I desire to pound into their thick little heads, it's that they can't beat the system by rioting!"

The denizens of Jasonia are reportedly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Denizens of Jasonia can breathe a little easier now that the public smoking ban has passed. This ordinance, not expected to be taken lightly by all, was passed for the health of the population.

Some local businesses were in a huff over the decision, claiming the ban will momentarily damage business. While a smoking ban may undoubtedly affect local commerce and perhaps stain the mayor's popularity, the resultant increase in life expectancy of the average Jasonia citizen is worth the risk.

The residents of Jasonia are momentarily awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Several ant-ranchers showed up for the event, but shamelessly left when they found out they had brought the wrong plate for the occasion.

Locals unhappy with the development took turns at Taco Tuba to catch busy locals, hoping they will probably sign a petition.