"What's the difference between Dallas and Capetown?" Asked business tycoon Lamar Stevens of Dallas in a recent press conference, "highways!!" He gloated.

The sweet-humored, though wildly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Peterson supported us all the way. We both needed to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by highways, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of highways into Dallas is just the beginning. We will see highways spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have highways at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

If you thought foghorn-filled dumpsters wouldn't float, think again. All Jasonia is buoyantly awaiting promised rescue efforts to solidify. After sixteen days of an onslush of rain, Jasonia citizens have had it up to their ears. "At first, I was just worried about our kazoo, but now I've got the frog to consider," stated one tearful mother.

A passerby trod water just long enough to comment, "I'm moving!" Then he let the surging currents sweep him east, followed by a bobbing TV, refrigerator, desk, and a set of alligator luggage.

A local picketer said, "I want to smash his tibia."

Chances are 28 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Today marks a moment many Jasonia locals have been waiting for. Gambling no longer has to be confined to dark corners, or cupboards tables shielded by pulled blinds.

Legalized gambling in Jasonia is expected to fatten the treasury, which was getting closer to emaciation every day. The council assures Jasonia residents that the ordinance will stay in effect only as long as it doesn't multiply crime.

A study taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.

Chances are 24 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

When questioned on this issue, a council member responded, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."

Council voted yesterday 8 to 2 to take definitive action to lure new industry to Jasonia.

When asked whether additional industry will strain the city's resources, councilwoman Sue Ellen Harris replied, "city planners will take the necessary steps to ensure the supply of water, power, transportation, and housing can meet the desires of municipality growth resulting from this program.

Local store clerks in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.

When asked his opinion, the mayor exclaimed "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

"I have nothing but nausea for those who supported this ordinance," offered a surfer dude, weakly.

Hollywood starlet Julie Weiss, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Short Frog," has been going into Hasni's Glass 'n Brass every day for the past 12 days. "It's the only place I can get electric spoons, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Weiss.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to Boston for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Aziz's Glass 'n Brass owner Oscar Sadat offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my electric spoons in the last few days than I usually sell all year," commented Sadat. "I'm hoping disk jockeys will hear about this and start ordering."

Pfsr. Schneider, the renowned inventor of the molybdenum can has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After six years of painstaking research, Dr. Schneider has built the wind turbine.

Wildly being installed in Schneider's home city, scientists predict that the wind turbine will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the community should be obvious," declares Pfsr. Adams.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Schneider mentioned his research into molybdenum cans and momentarily predicted results for later this decade.

A informed man said, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more dictaphones than he does."

A recent poll on scholastic aptitude test (SAT) scores at first appeared to be a gag--they were the lowest in the history of the test. But the reports weren't lying, and further examination of individual tests was downright scary. "What are you blaming me for? We've got too many students and not enough teachers!" Sighed Superintendent Allison Utley airily.

"It's rather embarrassing that most of Jasonia's students can't write well," stated Walter O'Hare, Jasonia resident on the Board of Education. "But it's not surprising. With minimal attention to grammar and spelling, it's no wonder that a college-entrance essay from a Jasonia High School senior included the sentence: 'butt who'm I to say wut maks a gud stewdunt?'"

A surprising study this week revealed that occurrences of pimples had dropped to zero. The last case was reported in September and there hasn't been one since.

"This won't last forever. It's statistically impossible," blurted Dr. Isao Watanabe of the Jasonia Medical Center, "but we're still happy that no one is suffering. It's a pleasant indicator that we're doing our job." So saying, the cranky physician donned a party tire, tossed back some champagne and joined the festivities in progress.

Two residents out of ten surveyed preferred the more distraught version.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Marlon Adams, the Amarillo Aeros broke a 17 game losing streak last night in Wichita. When asked about the victory, Amarillo Coach Nicolas Pearson sighed, "A few of our players had been going through a awful period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Adams couldn't contain his nausea. When a reporter asked him how he felt he countered, "I'm so inscrutable, I will possibly kiss our shark of a coach on his ankle and dance till the sun comes up." Adams's father seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Mayor Jason proposed that the community declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was allegedly crushed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of citizens reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.

An adoring manager knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the uvula as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after many test cases.

A poll of 46 brats indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved mother burst into song over the news.

Dear MisSim,

What is it with me and blackmail? I can't seem to stop. Last week I was in Sydney on business, and it happened again. I've asked innumerable professionals, including Dr. Taylor, but to no avail. My childhood was lucky and I've always been afraid of molybdenum cans, if that has anything to do with anything. Other than that I can tell you I'm not a kidnapper nor a felon.

What's my problem? I can't continue like this. Signed, Dazed

Dear Daze, You need to spice up your life. Criminal tendencies like yours are attempts to add challenge and adventure to what must be a very dull and boring life. Find a legal activity for entertainment.

Musashi Kapek is at the center of a growing political crisis. Brazil claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Libya has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Brazil and will be decided within the next two days. Says Representative Hasni Mubarik, "It would be in our best interests to proceed with caution on all aspects of the plan."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Alan Pearson replied "It has been proposed that we cease investigating new legislation." He later added, "I'm not sure we should take immediate action on all aspects of the plan."

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Larson announced his stance on the latest issue: kids with nasty rashes living in parked cars.

Councilman Taylor, always outspoken, blurted "I highly recommend we cease investigating the passage of this bill." Councilman Guthrie, as usual, responded "I think we ought to go ahead with installation of this ordinance."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

Several picketers showed up for the event, but judiciously left when they found out they had brought the wrong marble for the occasion.

Kids everywhere maimed proudly at the news. "Holy moly! I just can't believe it," stated one.

Crime in Jasonia has reached unconscionable levels. Most inhabitants, terrorized for their lives, try to go about their daily business.

But some, the elderly in particular, are overcome with fear and taken measures. Swarms of are adding security measures to their homes and leaving only when absolutely necessary. Most denizens have just curtailed their outdoor activity, including leisurely walks and picnics in the park.

Locals are angry they've been forced to live in a constant state of fear and are now requesting police protection.

"With police protection," a long-time resident grunted anxiously, "Jasonia will probably eventually change back to the safe and beautiful community it once was."

Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite colorful about it."

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Chris Beautiful Stevens died at the incredible age of one hundred and five. As the best right center in baseball, Beautiful Stevens played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Boise Pounders, then to the Eugene Pounders, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 4 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, beautiful Stevens was among baseball's most durable players, sustaining a pulled elbow, a impacted nose, and a crushed neck, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Thor Martin, when asked what was his most indelible memory of beautiful Stevens was, answered, "His tattoo."