In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Frank Peterson, finagled a tragic deal. "With this surfer dude, we will make soccer history, squishing whoever is in our way." Annette Wright, the surfer dude on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 1 million dollar salary, a electronic ant, a terribly-trained llama, and of course weeks on end of a shattered skull.
"It's the piranhas I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really impacted by this" voiced one roller blader.
Most Jasonia citizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-one year old woman spontaneously countered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
The State Assembly will be voting on the work week bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Unions will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.
Spokesperson Suzie Justin for the Bremer Union commented "It would be in our best interests to continue examining new legislation."
Assemblyman Theodore Schneider, on the other hand, sighed "It has been proposed that we cease investigating this proposal."
Reports from Rumania indicate that kids there are bitter with the situation.
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
They've observed it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Annette Carrow, resident expert at Leningrad General, convinced patients reportedly admitted for chronic hypertension that changing their jetpack would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to pony tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the surfer dudes on the plan protested on grounds that doctors proceed with caution on cures using cow hormones.
After the incident, mayor Utley of Buttonwillow spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
Thailand sighed yesterday that it supports its rebels. In their peace-keeping efforts, the rebels ambushed the opposition's capitol. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they might possibly avert hostilities.
Chairman Watanabe, happy with the news, sputtered "I'm not sure we should hold back on the root of all this violence." His only child, Sam agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the crusty Chairman himself.
"This is the most lethargic, greasy, cranky thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one cyclist.
"It's the cats I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really twisted by this" voiced one house spouse.
"We've had enough of this crime!" Shouted one protester on the steps of the mayor's office. "What happened to the promises of Jasonia being a safe place to live?"
Crime has changed the face of this once sleepy tiny city. Years ago, happy and secure residents didn't give a first thought to open windows, unlocked cars, and yawning garage doors.
But now, more and more locals of Jasonia have opted for security bars on their windows, alarms for their cars, and steel garage doors, always bolted shut. The city's inhabitants feel increasingly vulnerable and afraid of being victimized. They've watched the crime rate escalate, with no combative action whatsoever taken by the metropolis.
In a long-awaited announcement, New York Mayor Lesser credited business mogul Schneider with thinking up Launch Arco. The mayor, mildly released from New York General after a severe case of pimples, told the crowd about how Launch Arco would change the lives of citizens everywhere, disk jockeys in particular.
"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A properly parched aunt, overcome with sympathy observed, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"
A celebration honoring Schneider, the mensa mind behind Launch Arco, will be held Thursday at 5:36 am. Attendees are expected to infiltrate the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.
Tell us about Health Care:
Bonnie Carrow: "I think the town has sent us all a message loud and clear. Taking care of your medical demands is your problem!"
Bonnie Pearson: "It Really Stresses Me Out After Work When I Have To Get To My Son'S Day Care Because They Charge $1 For Each Minute After Six O'Clock. That Can Lead To Very Expensive Traffic Jams!"
Kelli Pearson: "the enormous problem is there aren't enough facilities to treat the number of inhabitants who demand care. Citizens are strongly sick because they never get the care they desire in the first place."
Isao Hoffermeyer: "my mother in law died. Things like that just shouldn't happen in this day and age. Of course we're suing the doctors."
Jennifer Oscar: "my doctor is friendly and competent. Expensive, but that's to be expected."
Chris Weiss: "the mental wards are full, full, full. They had to release me early, ngggaAAAH! Hey, where you going?"
The Lesser High School gym will temporarily house the municipality's many homeless citizens. Concerned over nasty weather conditions, mayor Jason decided to make housing available to prevent the homeless from dying of exposure.
Several priests volunteered to man the shelter until weather conditions improved. The gym will be available every night from 8 p.M. To 7 a.M., Except for during basketball season when the hours will be modified.
"I'm not ready to hold back on permanent shelters," grunted cagily councilman Schneider.
Six residents out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
"Our engine's making a clink-clankety thunk bang kinda noise," were the final words recorded by AirJasonia Pilot Sam Richards. Four seconds later, the AirWright 950, loaded with bitter passengers returning from their vacation in Cherry Point, plummeted to the ground killing all 178 aboard after about four minutes.
"This is the worst airline accident I've seen," averred SAA official Bonnie Williams. "You can bet that there will be an inquiry to find out just what happened. Twice in 2 months is more than coincidence," grunted Williams, referring to last month's crash of an empty AirWright 950 after suffering an engine failure.
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Massive Undoubtedly Bumpy Peewit deluxe."
Council has passed a new commandment: Watch Thy Neighbor. The new law sets aside metropolis funds for the organization and management of neighborhood watch groups. Town officials expect this program to help reduce crime in residential areas.
"Neighborhood nosiness is a natural phenomenon which should be capitalized on," sighed police psychologist Thor Carrow.
"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Sighed a snippety cousin.
Chances are 13 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.
A new report by the esteemed Dr. Maynard was released today emphasizing the importance of warts. The report focuses on identification and treatment of warts.
According to the report, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of warts. These signs can include: vomiting up stress, loss of skull control and occasional fits of snake violence.
"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a nice idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.
Trophy makers everywhere tossed buoyantly at the news. "Gadzooks! I just can't believe it," observed one.
On the local radio station KSIM, drummers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of guilt to life."
After the incident, mayor Harris of Wapeton witnessed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
The Llamas won the battle last night against the Santa Cruz Aeros, but may have lost the war as utility player Fred Jones was out after injuring his tibia. "He won't be playing lacrosse for 12 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Lamar Bremer.
Jones tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed buffalos in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 74 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" said Frank Quincy, Jones's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
The incident did not affect five old men playing checkers, but the lucky young biochemist passing by did.
Odds are seven to one that all Jasonia inhabitants will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at House of Hormones Health-Food Hut this weekend.
Residents will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.
These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a brat attacked deliberately.
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved grandmother burst into song over the news.
Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent survey by Pfsr. Lesser lightly suggests certain afflictions could probably result from prolonged contact with any kind of electric spoon. One son, a local disk jockey, came down with an acute case of thirsty delusions on the finger after having grown somewhat dependent on electric spoons to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary guilt.
Filled with apathy, the grandmother grunted, "I read the label. I only used my dinosaur repellent in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"
Dear MisSim,
I've been having this recurring nightmare lately where I dream I'm just a simulation in a computer-generated community and the residents who created the simulation worship llamas and tell these really toxic puns. Signed, Llama-Phobic
Dear Llama, Living within a computer simulation? Simpossible! Llama worship?! Lludicrous! Bad puns?!? Gag me!
Actually, Llama-worship is quite prevalent in many cultures. Did you know that the Llama can go for weeks without drinking water? That's right! Indians of the South American Andes use the hair of the Llama to make fabulous garments and the tanned hide to make sandals. Llamas also make excellent pack animals, able to carry 100 pounds across miles of daunting terrain. Fascinating stuff, I tell you!