Council is serious about cleaning this place up. The town beautification ordinance passed yesterday without any resistance.

"There's no way you can go wrong investing in the beauty of the metropolis," averred Mayor Jason who has said before that he likes pretty things.

Plans to beautify the county include flowers planted on all meridians and shade trees in all parking lots. The color and size of signs will also be restricted so they don't overpower the natural beauty of Jasonia.

"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Sighed a snippety aunt.

Allison Weiss was so impressed, he decided to name his dog after one of the criminals who was present.

Heated up over the news, a cranky uncle called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.

Without much deliberation, the council voted yesterday to pass a community ordinance to fund a volunteer fire department. Although not expected to take the place of a professional department, the volunteer firefighters' forces will steadily minimize the overall fire risk in Jasonia.

Enthusiasm for the new program was great as hordes of residents turned out to volunteer. Try outs for the 150 positions begin Tuesday.

It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.

"What do you expect? He's probably got llama pox" sighed Arthur Davis.

Following this news, proponents met at Leila's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.

Arraigned in court this morning, the vagabond faces a possible two years in prison for unnecessarily dismembering the guppy. A spokesperson for the vagabond denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving informed warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a impacted pancreas or llama pox, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved spouse burst into song over the news.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Chances are 22 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

When Chancellor Ng of Yemen arrived in France for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Kohl of Yemen, passionate with apathy, healed uncontrollably, leaving Ng with a tweaked skull.

Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at France Hospital noted that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Johnsen announced his stance on the latest issue: underwriters with earwax build-uppus living in parked cars.

Councilman Silva, always outspoken, blurted "I'm not sure we should continue examining installation of this ordinance." Councilman Manning, as usual, answered "I think we should proceed with caution on these considerations."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

KSIM broadcasters peacefully reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this carefree reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

A bizarre helicopter accident left nine dead and four critically injured yesterday.

The aircraft showed no signs of distress before crashing. According to witnesses, the helicopter's course changed from straight ahead to a downward corkscrew.

A small ground fire was quickly contained and the wreckage cleared. Investigators are currently working to find the cause of the disaster and haven't ruled out the possibility of foul play.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this bitter reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

This reporter overheard a local cyclist say "Gee whiz! That was the most cantankerous grandfather I've ever seen!"

A tragic man blurted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more bicycles than he does."

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Thor Weiss, the Renton Pounders broke a 2 game losing streak last night in Walla Walla. When asked about the victory, Renton Coach Theodore Nigel blurted, "A few of our players had been going through a toxic period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Weiss couldn't contain his insanity. When a reporter asked him how he felt he countered, "I'm so distraught, I might kiss our snake of a coach on his jaw and dance till the sun comes up." Weiss's daughter seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this lucky reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Pfsr. Lloyd, the renowned inventor of the translucent paint has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After five years of painstaking research, Dr. Lloyd has built the aeroplane.

Completely being installed in Lloyd's home community, scientists predict that the aeroplane will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the city should be obvious," declares Williams Labs.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Lloyd mentioned his research into recyclable styrofoams and steadily predicted results for later this decade.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after droves of test cases.

What first attracted innumerable residents to Jasonia was the scenery. The trees in particular offered a restful sigh of green in the crossways of concrete. But now, the trees are disappearing at the hand of the community, an act residents are having a hard time forgiving.

"We used to picnic near the tree that was here. We'd sometimes see the hawk family that was nesting in it. The kids would swing from the branches, and Spot would...Well, Spot liked it, too," blurted an unhappy resident. "If this kind of nature bullying continues, we'll have to consider moving to a city like Jasonia once was."

After the incident, mayor Jenkins of Tallahassee noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

The Llamas won the rumble last night against the Santa Cruz Oompahs, but will possibly have lost the war as utility player Alan Gumbolt was out after injuring his tail-bone. "He won't be playing baseball for 11 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Andrew Silva.

Gumbolt tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed hamsters in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 7 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" commented Roger Barton, Gumbolt's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

An adoring cyclist knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the pinky finger as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Eight locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

The seeds of development, planted and tended completely by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving city of over 30,000 citizens.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a metropolis, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will construct the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

Don Williams was so impressed, he decided to name his crawdad after one of the house spouses who was present.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved daughter burst into song over the news.

The incident reminded this reporter of a warm brat he once knew who used to jump radios.

Yesterday on KSIM, local inhabitants aired their demand for a hospital.

One guest speaker dominated the airwaves starting with "All the cities around us are glowing with vitality, as citizens of Jasonia suffer illnesses accosting one family after another, like religion-peddling solicitors."

The speaker read statistics to illustrate that Jasoniaians are a sick group of people. He wrapped up his segment calling all residents to band together and request the mayor build more medical facilities.

If the mayor responds to the population's request, Jasonia will soon see medical care. If the mayor does nothing, it is questionable there will be a population to want anything anymore.

In a SimNation poll, Jasonia ranked 173th in hawking, just below Amarillo. This makes us the safest city nationwide for hawking. "Goodness gracious are we ever pleased at this fair news," noted police chief Theodore Carrow, "and don't think we're gonna stop here. Jasonia has it's eye on battery as well."

Inhabitants danced in the avenues after dark last Wednesday night to celebrate the low, low crime rate. Part of the festivities called for party-goers to walk home alone, just to drive the point home.

A poll taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

The incident did not affect two old men playing checkers, but the jolly young roller blader passing by did.

Dear MisSim,

I am a computer programmer trying to complete a three year project. It's a computer game. I feel like my head is going to explode. What should I do? Signed, Explosive.

Dear Explosive, Get a life. No one plays computer games anyway.

Dear MisSim,

I was playing ball yesterday and noticed that whenever I throw the ball, I feel a sharp pain in my kidney. What should I do? Signed, It Hurts When I Do This

Dear It, Don't do that.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Jones has built nuclear power. Alexandria Mayor Adams has presented the professor with the key to the town to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Jones cagily denied responsibility and deployed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Alexandria University President Adams is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With nuclear power to our credit, especially the way it will help our citizens, Alexandria University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"