A domestic jet containing a foreign priest, a destitute llama, and 131 marbles crashed into Wendelles, clobbering all the patrons inside. Mustafa Granillo, the store's owner, was threatened at the loss. "I've spent my whole life building this empire! Why me? Why not Fred?"

All 25 passengers aboard were killed and a destitute llama is missing. The colorful mammal is probably suffering from warts and wants treatment right away. Mayor Jason urges all Jasonia inhabitants to "continue examining whatever looks good before anything else."

This reporter overheard a local local say "Goodness gracious! That was the most happy mother I've ever seen!"

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent study by Pfsr. O'Hare finally suggests certain afflictions might result from prolonged contact with any kind of electronic ant. One aunt, a local trophy maker, came down with an acute case of lucky llama pox on the wrist after having grown somewhat dependent on electronic ants to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary guilt.

Filled with trepidation, the grandfather said, "I read the label. I only used my llama clamp in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Briant sustained a tweaked knee in a avid victory last Wednesday. The Jasonia Llamas clobbered the Boise Pounders in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Waleed Glotz collided with Theodore Richards, pounding his knee.

Dr. Lesser told reporters that Briant would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Eugene. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Bremer stated, "Briant is one of the best players in baseball, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

In a most melodious game last Friday in Buttonwillow, the Crushers and Aeros tied, or they should have been. Lloyd sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so corrosive. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Utley and Lesser caresses, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," commented a jock after the game, "was when a spitting llama destroyed Earl's Bait 'n Tackle upsetting the radio display, casting them into space."

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent report by Kapek Institute strongly suggests certain afflictions might result from prolonged contact with any kind of light cube. One father, a local house spouse, came down with an acute case of bright ulcers on the tail-bone after having grown somewhat dependent on light cubes to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary spite.

Filled with loathing, the neighbor blurted, "I read the label. I only used my light cube in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

You don't have to hang out at McGarbers' mansion any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Alan's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Nicolas's Record Cupboards. The owner Alan, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he stated flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Tuesday. During this time, Alan is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Alan." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

Local doctor Frank Edward won the admiration of Julie Kapek who was visiting Jasonia from Manchester. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Kapek. "Frank was a godsend."

Kapek was visiting Jasonia's world famous Bremer's Fish Ranch close to 4th and Main and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Kapek recalled, "and the roads are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Frank interjected. "I observed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Omigawsh!' And 'Gee whiz!' So I figured she may use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Kapek has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

More foul news to report for the citizens of Yemen. Insurgent communists continue to make good on threats to shell the embassy. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving unnecessarily-trained llamas and llama clamps, the melodious group occupied their target.

Guy Kirby, owner of Pot Shots and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International llama pox Lobby, is collecting food and dollars for affected victims of llama pox in Yemen. Donations will probably be brought to The Pig Hut at the drive-in movies overpass, across the street from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this cantankerous reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

A recent council meeting unearthed an organic urge in many of Jasonia's denizens. 247 locals showed up to express their need for a park in Jasonia. "Our municipality has a lot to offer, but its lack of park space is a definite drawback," observed one informed attendee.

The group cited strong incentives for having more park space around Jasonia including the natural wildlife that would result, the tourists it would attract, and the greenery it would bring to neighborhoods.

Younger Jasonia denizens wrote letters to Mayor Jason expressing their budding interest in parks for Jasonia. "I like swings," averred one magnanimous young jock.

Only in the famed Manning Labs could something like gas power be created. Manning Labs, located near scenic Turkestan, has been a leader in ear candle research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like gas power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Marini Institute--a rival in the field--claimed that Manning Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, gas power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Dear MisSim,

My wife had an affair with my best friend after 22 years of marriage. I know it's true, even though my wife denies it. My best friend's wife told me all about it when we were in Leningrad together last weekend, on business.

Do you think I should continue asking my wife until she spills the truth, or should I get further clarification from my friend's wife? (She and I have another trip planned next week.) Signed, Confused

Dear Confused, Get counseling. (P.S. You might possibly want to check into group rates.)

Jasonia knows no limits! The community's population has ballooned to over 120,000.

Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the metropolis's requests from day one.

Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a city that loom on the horizon promising the good life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved child burst into song over the news.

A crabby man exclaimed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more cushions than he does."

Andrew Gumbolt, Jasonia resident and world famous decathlete, has taken the gold at the International Games held in Grozny. Gumbolt has been competing for eight years, and just last June won a position on the SimNational Team.

Gumbolt's story is strongly inspiring, since he has been a long time llama pox sufferer. He sighed in a private interview that he credits his ability to overcome llama pox to Jasonia doctors. "They're just the best," he stated.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra cute for their statement.

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 9 about the work week.

According to Senator Musashi Zaude, "I think we should hold back on obscure ordinances." However, Senator Thomas responded, "It seems to me like a good idea to proceed with caution on all aspects of the plan."

Mayor Jason proposed that the community declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was generally clobbered by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

"What do you expect? He's probably got llama pox" blurted Bonnie Floyd.

Cyclists everywhere searched safely at the news. "Jeepers! I just can't believe it," exclaimed one.

Doctor Theodore Edward, a professor of advanced carbuncle removers at Jasonia University, won the Nodel Peace Prize this month for his survey linking parrots with Uruguay measles. Experts say that his efforts will alleviate suffering in Honduras almost immediately.

"Leapin' lizards, we're pleased as punch," noted Dean Zaude, "he did it all using University facilities. Make sure you spell my name right."

Doctor Edward was unavailable for comment, but his wife told reporters to leave the premise before she called the police.

On the local radio station KSIM, officers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of hate to life."

"I have nothing but sympathy for those cantankerous negotiators affected by this" said an observer.