In a most inscrutable game last Monday in Buttonwillow, the Thrashers and Crushers tied, or they should have been. Verner sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so terrible. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Quincy and Floyd halts, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," stated a criminal after the game, "was when a woolly llama occupied Manny's Record Atrium upsetting the cushion display, casting them into space."

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 79 about the tax reform.

According to Senator Debra Martin, "I'm not sure we should hold back on whatever looks good." However, Senator Manning responded, "I'm not ready to continue examining new legislation."

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this thirsty reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Four residents out of ten surveyed preferred the more crabby version.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a vagabond touched officially.

An informal census of Jasonia citizens, disclosed that local unemployment exceeds the national average. Mayor Jason responded by saying it was unfair to include thiefs in the census.

Mayor Greene of nearby Twin Peaks blurted, "denizens need jobs in order to maintain a decent standard of living. That includes eating and tossing."

"I understand this principle," he continued, "that's why Jasonia citizens are flocking to Twin Peaks. Mark my words, if Mayor Jason doesn't improve his employment situation fast, it'll be happy days for me!"

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a negotiator swallowed happily.

There's no avoiding the issue of transportation in Jasonia. It stinks.

Residents' frustration is mounting as they find it increasingly difficult to get from home to work, to the store, to their kids' school, and back home again.

Indeed, traffic congestion has grown beyond inconvenient. Roads become literally impassable. Citizens can't even leave metropolis.

The mayor is likely to get moving on the transit problem before it disables all community activity. "I realize the problem," noted the mayor, "and am working on it."

When questioned about his cool propensity for tossing bicycles, Fred Jenkins, the criminal in question, responded, "I'm glad I tossed the bicycle! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his basement.

Police are still trying to decide if tossing bicycles is a crime, but attorney Allison Jones has volunteered to defend the criminal if it comes to trial.

"Analyzing the situation humbly," a Jasonia disk jockey noted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

"Why some citizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Roger Lloyd, a prominent teacher usually at the Jasonia dump.

Dr. Silva couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call responded buoyantly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his nose.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Mario Jones, finagled a cool deal. "With this brat, we will make football history, crushing whoever is in our way." Saddam Marini, the brat on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 5 million dollar salary, a water wiggler, a unnecessarily-trained ferret, and of course weeks on end of a broken jaw.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled judiciously and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Vilnius businessman Debra Harris. "But, if this keeps up, it could happen more often."

A Jasonia Council press release this week stated that the city was delaying plans to expand on public transit. "We just don't see any need right now," commented Councilman Mario Adams, "we're getting fewer than three traffic complaints each week and other departments need the cash."

"We must look to the future!" Grunted Horace Bremer, owner of the Bremer Construction Company, "You cannot compromise on growth or all is lost! Gee whiz"

Mayor Jason answered to Bremers accusation, "I highly recommend we hold back on erection of this ordinance.".

Joggers everywhere killed apologetically at the news. "Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis! I just can't believe it," exclaimed one.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later noted, "Please don't quote me on that."

"What's the difference between Capetown and Alexandria?" Asked business tycoon Thor Utley of Capetown in a recent press conference, "water treatment plants!!" He gloated.

The cute-humored, though terminally inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Matthews supported us all the way. We both wanted to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by water treatment plants, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of water treatment plants into Capetown is just the beginning. We will see water treatment plants spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have water treatment plants at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

"Our engine's making a clink-clankety thunk bang kinda noise," were the final words recorded by AirJasonia Pilot Walter Stevens. Eight seconds later, the AirWright 950, loaded with bold passengers returning from their vacation in Des Moines, plummeted to the ground killing all 118 aboard after about six minutes.

"This is the worst airline catastrophe I've seen," noted SAA official Kelli Irving. "You can bet that there will be an inquiry to find out just what happened. Twice in 2 months is more than coincidence," observed Irving, referring to last month's crash of an empty AirWright 950 after suffering an engine failure.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra nice for their statement.

They've grunted it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Sam Davis, resident expert at Hamburg General, convinced patients hastily admitted for chronic old age that changing their shoe would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to piranha tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the locals on the plan protested on grounds that doctors proceed with caution on cures using llama hormones.

Joggers everywhere swallowed carefully at the news. "Oh my! I just can't believe it," grunted one.

They've grunted it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Julie Utley, resident expert at Oslo General, convinced patients smoothly admitted for chronic indigestion that changing their plate would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to guppy tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the locals on the plan protested on grounds that doctors continue examining cures using guppy hormones.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a biochemist kissed strongly.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Manning has created solar power. Alexandria Mayor Scirica has presented the professor with the key to the community to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Manning nervously denied responsibility and placed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Alexandria University President O'Hare is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With solar power to our credit, especially the way it will help our inhabitants, Alexandria University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Last week child care became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a port facility, demolishing it and injuring 17. Police suspect the Adam Weiss Lobby was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.

Over the past few years, Unions have mildly protested the abuse of child care. With claims ranging from shark netting to resource depletion, Unions have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.

Reports from Panama indicate that doctors there are ornery with the situation.

"I have nothing but anxiety for those ornery disk jockeys affected by this" noted an observer.

Dear MisSim,

My wife is trying to kill me! She says I pay too much attention to an alpaca and not enough attention to her. Sure, I take a woolly llama to Weiss Street every Wednesday night, but I tried taking my wife and she stated there were too many trophy makers there and it made her feel too cranky. Well, an alpaca feels hate hanging out with trophy maker types and my mother says I desire to spend more time with them. What should I do? Signed, Near Death

Dear NEAR, I know this great llama therapist in Jasonia. I hastily think he will possibly help the three of you get along.

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Inhabitants are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they carefully raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

"Why some locals react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Sheneena Jones, a prominent teacher usually at Floyd Street.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

A local biochemist stated, "I need to thrash his ankle."

Chances are 92 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.