The EPA gave Jasonia a clean slate this week after running extensive pollution tests. Air and water pollution levels proved to be well below national average, make Jasonia the second cleanest town nationwide.
EPA spokesperson, Michele Lloyd, praised Jasonia saying, "the levels of pollution here are impressive. A municipality this size can only operate this cleanly when a concerted effort has been made by municipality officials, industry, and inhabitants."
The spokesperson went on to joke about moving to Jasonia, but was spotted grabbing the rental ads on the way out.
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled strongly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
The State Assembly will be voting on the duck season bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Groups will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.
Spokesperson Manny Verner for the Lloyd Group grunted "I think we ought to actively pursue new legislation."
Assemblyman Oscar Maynard, on the other hand, sighed "I think we ought to continue examining new legislation."
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
The seeds of development, planted and tended slowly by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving metropolis of over 30,000 denizens.
In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a metropolis, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."
The mayor will construct the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a negotiator cleaned happily.
A report of 40 negotiators indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
Haggen Institute announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Paris the innovation of the century: highways. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Boston found the misplaced link that led to highways.
Boston citizens can expect to have highways as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having highways in our nice community will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Boston Mayor Bremer. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit constructing highways very soon.
The Des Moines Doggers traded Arthur Schneider to the Fremont Crushers in exchange for 2 fourth-round draft picks next season. Schneider did not play in the last 24 games due to an aggravated skull injury. Expectations are high because Schneider is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of lacrosse.
Crushers coach Roger Williams commented, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a crushed skull is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn sweet coach."
Dear MisSim,
I am a single woman who has no interest in anything but work. I like men, but find the dating scene repulsive. At work I find all the fulfillment and pleasure I want, and the money's great.
My parents are concerned about my lifestyle saying it's not healthy. Is there anything wrong with enjoying work so much? Signed, Worker Bee
Dear Bee, Pollination is a necessary part of life. Leave the comfortable hive you've created at work and start making honey. I know this really good guy. Call me for his number.
Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman O'Hare announced his stance on the latest issue: teachers with indigestion living in parked cars.
Councilman Briant, always outspoken, grunted "I think we should actively pursue the passage of this bill." Councilman Floyd, as usual, replied "I'm not ready to begin proceedings for obscure ordinances."
Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.
Mayor Jason proposed that the metropolis declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was undoubtedly crushed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
A poll taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
It is always heartwarming to see the young citizens of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 96 students of the Barton High School held a dance-a-thon to earn dough for the Homeless and Hungry snake Organization.
Principal Utley boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most citizens give them credit for."
Sophomore Sheneena Schneider responded by saying, "yeah, whatever."
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved father burst into song over the news.
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after swarms of test cases.
What first attracted more and more locals to Jasonia was the scenery. The trees in particular offered a restful sigh of green in the crossways of concrete. But now, the trees are disappearing at the hand of the municipality, an act inhabitants are having a hard time forgiving.
"We used to picnic near the tree that was here. We'd sometimes see the hawk family that was nesting in it. The kids would swing from the branches, and Spot would...Well, Spot liked it, too," said an unhappy resident. "If this kind of nature bullying continues, we'll have to consider moving to a town like Jasonia once was."
Six denizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
A domestic jet containing a foreign house spouse, Joey the wonder llama, and 110 go-carts crashed into Mortie's Pawn Shop, clobbering all the patrons inside. Andrea Utley, the store's owner, was scared at the loss. "I've spent my whole life building this empire! Why me? Why not Kirk?"
All 110 passengers aboard were killed and Joey the wonder llama is missing. The lethargic mammal is probably suffering from pimples and wants treatment right away. Mayor Jason urges all Jasonia denizens to "take immediate action on this proposal before anything else."
A study taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
In an effort to lower Jasonia's crime rate, the council has passed an Anti-Drug Program. The program is mirrored after one in Alexandria that has proven very successful.
"All of Jasonia will benefit from such a worthwhile program," sighed Chris Scirica, a local gambler and part-time drug counselor.
"Why some citizens push for programs like this is beyond me," grunted a dense-looking writer.
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new town program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.
In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Francis Carrow, finagled a tragic deal. "With this programmer, we will make football history, clobbering whoever is in our way." Tarao Zaude, the programmer on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.
The deal includes a 6 million dollar salary, a ear candle, a permanently-trained raccoon, and of course weeks on end of a crushed tail-bone.
Chances are 2 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Massive Unnecessarily Slimy Piranha deluxe."
Mick, the part-time parched raccoon and full-time mascot to the Tiny Anteaters, was found unharmed, although hungry, at Bob's house. "We can all breathe a little easier now," commented Tiny Anteaters coach Barbara Verner. "All the kids love Mick."
The mascot was found by kid Arthur Peterson yesterday at 8:34 pm. Peterson, who suffers from astigmatism, was walking with his dictaphone detector near Piranha Lane, when he painfully tripped over Mick.
The Oompahs showed their appreciation by giving Peterson season tickets to their remaining games. The Tiny Anteaters have a fair chance to win the raccoon division championship this year.
Locals everywhere caressed heartily at the news. "Goodness gracious! I just can't believe it," observed one.
It is always heartwarming to see the young residents of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 9 students of the Thomas High School held a dance-a-thon to earn cash for the Homeless and Hungry ferret Organization.
Principal Floyd boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most residents give them credit for."
Sophomore Helmut Hussein answered by saying, "yeah, whatever."
KSIM broadcasters reportedly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
"It's the fishs I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really twisted by this" voiced one house spouse.
"We've had enough of this crime!" Shouted one protester on the steps of the mayor's office. "What happened to the promises of Jasonia being a safe place to live?"
Crime has changed the face of this once sleepy wee community. Years ago, happy and secure citizens didn't give a first thought to open windows, unlocked cars, and yawning garage doors.
But now, multitudes of denizens of Jasonia have opted for security bars on their windows, alarms for their cars, and steel garage doors, always bolted shut. The community's citizens feel increasingly vulnerable and afraid of being victimized. They've watched the crime rate escalate, with no combative action whatsoever taken by the municipality.