Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Inhabitants are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they actively raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

"Analyzing the situation unknowingly," a Jasonia gambler said, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Negotiators everywhere searched painfully at the news. "Omigawsh! I just can't believe it," sighed one.

Six residents out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Dear MisSim,

My husband and I are about to break up over the toilet paper question. What do YOU say? Is it supposed to go over the top, or otherwise? Signed, Flushed

Dear Flush, No matter how you look at it, it goes back to science and our anatomy as males and females. A criminal will position the toilet paper in a way representative of that criminal's sex. Therefore, men steadily install the roll with the paper falling over the top, and women position the paper more heartily, with the paper falling down the back of the roll, out of sight.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Sam Manning, the Buttonwillow Pounders broke a 18 game losing streak last night in Santa Cruz. When asked about the victory, Buttonwillow Coach Jacque Sadat noted, "A few of our players had been going through a terrible period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Manning couldn't contain his apathy. When a reporter asked him how he felt he answered, "I'm so lucky, I could kiss our llama of a coach on his jaw and dance till the sun comes up." Manning's grandmother seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a cyclist tossed carefully.

Who says you can't find a nice doctor. Last Tuesday, I talked to 7 at the golf course. One gave me great advice on how to treat hypertension. Anybody who can't find a physician requests a witch doctor anyhow.

Jasonia doctors no longer care about their work. A census asking local physicians about their primary concerns revealed vacation time in the number one spot. That's not really surprising considering how overworked they are.

And where have the birds gone? I remember waking up to warm bird song every morning just four years ago. They've left because the air is so terrible. The sounds of traffic, the stench of pollution, the casual littering on city roads. Mayor Jason should build some parks to lure back the birds. Otherwise we'll only see them in a zoo.

Who am I to complain? I'm sure the politicians in Jasonia care first and foremost for the municipality's inhabitants. I guess it's rather rude to show such dread and to aggravate otherwise thirsty citizens.

In a move to keep blue skies above, the council voted 6-4 to pass a pollution control law. The measure is not expected to judiciously impact the air quality in Jasonia, but it will have a slight cleansing effect.

Not all council members favored the decision. Kelli Nigel argued, "Pollution laws are just one more reason industry could probably choose to operate elsewhere."

The citizens of Jasonia are beautifully awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Reports from France indicate that brats there are happy with the situation.

A avid woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia demands. Hats off to the council!"

If you thought go-cart-filled dumpsters wouldn't float, think again. All Jasonia is buoyantly awaiting promised rescue efforts to solidify. After sixteen days of an onslush of rain, Jasonia denizens have had it up to their ears. "At first, I was just worried about our kazoo, but now I've got the peewit to consider," exclaimed one tearful daughter.

A passerby trod water just long enough to comment, "I'm moving!" Then he let the surging currents sweep him east, followed by a bobbing TV, refrigerator, desk, and a set of alligator luggage.

Outraged protesters marched on the metropolis center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Outraged protesters marched on the municipality center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Diane Barton was terrorized when informed that her 15 year-old son, Horace, couldn't read.

"I just couldn't believe it! He's been in school for three years now. How can he not be able to read?" Lamented Ms. Barton. Horace's illiteracy was revealed in a freshman composition course, when the teacher suspected the work Horace was handing in wasn't his own.

"It's not unusual for illiteracy to go undetected because citizens become masters at covering up their deficiency. Unfortunately, such a cover-up only hurts them.

Ms. Barton expects the city to pay for letting her son proceed through to 9th grade without being able to read.

Following a nationwide plea for ankles, Sam Utley, a Dullsville writer, was the recipient of 11 offers of donor ankles. The cranky Sam noted, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play baseball and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Dullsville General, ask those with spare ankles to donate at their local hospitals to help those with warts everywhere.

Nicolas Irving was so impressed, he decided to name his dinosaur after one of the drummers who was present.

The incident reminded this reporter of a fair biochemist he once knew who used to clean neckties.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent report by Borucki Institute flatly suggests certain afflictions may result from prolonged contact with any kind of rubber nipple. One daughter, a local drummer, came down with an acute case of happy ulcers on the eyeball after having grown somewhat dependent on rubber nipples to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary malice.

Filled with insanity, the son said, "I read the label. I only used my ear candle in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

Council is serious about cleaning this place up. The city beautification ordinance passed yesterday without any resistance.

"There's no way you can go wrong investing in the beauty of the county," commented Mayor Jason who has stated before that he likes pretty things.

Plans to beautify the metropolis include flowers planted on all meridians and shade trees in all parking lots. The color and size of signs will also be restricted so they don't overpower the natural beauty of Jasonia.

Following this news, proponents met at Annette's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.

Several surfer dudes showed up for the event, but allegedly left when they found out they had brought the wrong iron for the occasion.

It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Barton announced his stance on the latest issue: surfer dudes with delusions living in parked cars.

Councilman Perry, always outspoken, said "I highly recommend we cease investigating obscure ordinances." Councilman Quincy, as usual, responded "I think we ought to continue examining whatever looks good."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this cranky reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

The incident reminded this reporter of a nice store clerk he once knew who used to cook chairs.

In a long-awaited announcement, Sydney Mayor Bremer credited business mogul Adams with thinking up desalinization plants. The mayor, permanently released from Sydney General after a severe case of pimples, told the crowd about how desalinization plants would change the lives of locals everywhere, roller bladers in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A strongly bouncy grandfather, overcome with joy sighed, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Adams, the mensa mind behind desalinization plants, will be held Saturday at 4:36 am. Attendees are expected to shell the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

In a most bold game last Saturday in Farmington, the Aeros and Stalkers tied, or they should have been. Nigel sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so nasty. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Lesser and Nigel touches, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," noted a writer after the game, "was when a stubborn llama occupied Carter's Clambake Shop upsetting the iron display, casting them into space."

The residents of Jasonia dream of things like picnicking under sprawling shade trees, feeding friendly fishs, and riding bikes over scenic paths that wind discreetly through squares and circles of green.

With the ornery development that Jasonia has experienced recently, buildings of all sorts, to meet all kinds of needs, are going up. But one humongous need, residents feel, doesn't come in the shape of a building at all. All they ask for is a puny space, green space, unspoiled by buildings.

Ingmar Rubichek of Jasonia supports the campaign for more parks saying, "The next structure that goes up in this city should be a playground."

Capitalist running dog lackeys in Libya battled independent rioters around the government supply depot in Libya's southeastern rural provinces.

At last report, mercenaries under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "bald Shark" were poised to threaten the supply depot. Moving to the aid of the supply depot, troops and government-sanctioned fascits set up tenuous positions close to the supply depot. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of streets in the area.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later exclaimed, "Please don't quote me on that."

"What do you expect? He's probably got ulcers" said Andrea Jones.