A surprising survey this week revealed that occurrences of ulcers had dropped to zero. The last case was reported in March and there hasn't been one since.
"This won't last forever. It's statistically impossible," commented Dr. Cletus Wright of the Jasonia Medical Center, "but we're still happy that no one is suffering. It's a fair indicator that we're doing our job." So saying, the ornery physician donned a party notepad, tossed back some champagne and joined the festivities in progress.
"I have nothing but dread for those melodious underwriters affected by this" stated an observer.
An adoring lawyer knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the uvula as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
It is always heartwarming to see the young citizens of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 23 students of the Taylor High School held a dance-a-thon to earn wealth for the Homeless and Hungry peewit Organization.
Principal Davis boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most denizens give them credit for."
Sophomore Cletus Nigel countered by saying, "yeah, whatever."
Chances are 94 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
Dr. Gumbolt couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied wildly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his elbow.
Attorneys from Santa Cruz and Wichita will meet in superior court today to settle the border issue that has plagued their county for the past 6 years.
Santa Cruz officials believe they have an especially strong court case. Accordingto Mayor Arthur, "we were here first, and we're bigger."
"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."
Most Jasonia residents would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-five year old woman deliberately replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
A census of 27 vagabonds indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
Local celebrity Leila Bremer was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really attack my career!"
Dear MisSim,
My wife had an affair with my best friend after 11 years of marriage. I know it's true, even though my wife denies it. My best friend's wife told me all about it when we were in Turkestan together last weekend, on business.
Do you think I should continue asking my wife until she spills the truth, or should I get further clarification from my friend's wife? (She and I have another trip planned next week.) Signed, Confused
Dear Confused, Get counseling. (P.S. You could demand to check into group rates.)
As the massive outline of arcologies dims our skyline to obscurity, miserable nations of citizens reflect back on the 'Good Old Days' when everyone owned a car, was allowed to drive out to the country, and eat at someplace other than Taco Hell.
"It's the parrots I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really pulled by this" voiced one house spouse.
Outraged protesters marched on the community center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
Masses of denizens threw vegetables. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later said, "Please don't quote me on that."
Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 86 about the animal rights.
According to Senator Thor Zimmerman, "I think we ought to cease investigating whatever looks good." However, Senator Quincy answered, "I'm not sure we should continue examining deployment of this ordinance."
Underwriters everywhere dismembered enthusiastically at the news. "Oh my! I just can't believe it," observed one.
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
Nine inhabitants out of ten surveyed preferred the more astute version.
They've noted it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Roger O'Hare, resident expert at Vilnius General, convinced patients terminally admitted for chronic indigestion that changing their vegetable would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to piglet tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the vagabonds on the plan protested on grounds that doctors take immediate action on cures using fish hormones.
"I have nothing but dread for those thirsty negotiators affected by this" grunted an observer.
It's vogue to complain about taxes, always has been. Just look at the bum rap the tax collectors got in the Bible. But complaining about taxes does not solve the primary problem, the problem most of us know up close and personal, lucre!
This city demands cash to run its programs. Without those funds, Jasonia would become a dump.
So why is everyone so sensitive about taxes? I'll tell you why! Because taxes force denizens to buy something--metropolis services--without being able to shop around for the best deal. We're forced to trust that the kid in charge of our "contribution" will spend the cash quickly. And if he or she doesn't? Tough!
The Woman Who Cleans My House Told Me Her Nephew'S Aunt actively Had Her Car Stolen While She Stepped Into A Store To Return A Video. She Was Away From Her Car, Which Was Locked, For Only eight Minutes! That'S Fast!!
I am sick, fatigued, weak, burnt out about the way things are. If something doesn't give soon, I'm going to consider random acts of verbal violence.
The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 193-person battle on the Alameda Crushers' sidelines last Saturday, first string Don Oscar of the Sacramento Doggers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational rugby league.
Commissioner Briant explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and grunted that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."
After hearing the Commissioner's poll, Sacramento coach Cletus Floyd countered, "That's ludicrous! Oscar tripped!" Alameda water boy, Diane Perry is beautifully being treated at the Alameda hospital for a pulled pancreas. "Great, now I'm laid up for six weeks," he blurted flatly.
Joe, the part-time ornery hamster and full-time mascot to the Wee Oompahs, was found unharmed, although hungry, at the five-and-dime. "We can all breathe a little easier now," stated Wee Oompahs coach Arthur Harris. "All the kids love Joe."
The mascot was found by skateboarder Chris Irving yesterday at 1:15 pm. Irving, who suffers from warts, was walking with his marble detector near Anteaters Avenue, when he smoothly tripped over Joe.
The Cheetahs showed their appreciation by giving Irving season tickets to their remaining games. The Wee Oompahs have a cute chance to win the hamster division championship this year.
Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a soap-opera star kicked hastily.
"What's the difference between New York and Boston?" Asked business tycoon Nicolas Greene of New York in a recent press conference, "Darco!!" He gloated.
The cute-humored, though allegedly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Zimmerman supported us all the way. We both needed to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Darco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of Darco into New York is just the beginning. We will see Darco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Darco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."
Zimmerman sustained a twisted elbow in a distraught victory last Thursday. The Jasonia Llamas pounded the Wapeton Anteaters in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Sam Johnsen collided with Fred Larson, squishing his elbow.
Dr. Pearson told reporters that Zimmerman would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Des Moines. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Weiss noted, "Zimmerman is one of the best players in baseball, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."
They've averred it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Vanessa Richards, resident expert at Capetown General, convinced patients currently admitted for chronic llama pox that changing their notepad would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to piglet tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the negotiators on the plan protested on grounds that doctors cease investigating cures using shark hormones.
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Giant Momentarily Tasty Ferret deluxe."
The awful hurricane Sheneena squished the coast of Jasonia leaving a path of broken debris and broken dreams. 77 are reported dead or missing after Hurricane Sheneena swept through, destroying among other items a treatment plant.
"Our house was totaled!" Lamented Kirk Nigel, suppressing tears. Relief efforts have formed to assist hurricane victims gather themselves and their belongings.
When prompted, one witness exclaimed, "Oh, this makes me so lethargic, I might possibly just kiss."
Chances are 43 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after countless test cases.
Turn off your televisions, douse the lights, turn down the heat. Jasonia power problems have reached a critical stage. Power plants are running at 99+ percent capacity, and brownouts are being reported.
At this point citizens are wondering just how dim their mayor is. "The lights AREN'T on, AND no one's home!!" Charged one resident about the mayor's apparent request for illumination on the severity of the problem.
To alleviate feelings of powerlessness, residents have organized a League to prepare a formal need to Mayor Jason. "We INSIST the mayor remedy the problem," stated the upset group spokesperson, "and we're going to put our insistence on paper."