Traffic has streaked the metropolis with continuous veins of metal. While it might possibly be a pretty sight from the air, I'd bet drivers don't find anything pleasing about the situation, aesthetically or otherwise.

Although taxes are a necessary part of operating a community, the inhabitants will only take so much. When it's difficult just to make a living, no one requests to be forced to surrender a gigantic chunk of their hard earned wealth.

Nine days ago, a friend of mine spent three hours getting from Llama Lane to the five-and-dime. I don't know about you, but the last time I ventured from said point A to said point B (about a year ago), it took twenty minutes. Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis!

I am sick, fatigued, weak, burnt out about the way things are. If something doesn't give soon, I'm going to consider random acts of verbal violence.

And so has Dr. Edward, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Edward, who had been making ends meet for the last four years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was quickly relieved that the aeroplane heartily took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a buffalo with a crushed ego" the witty man averred.

Even without promotion, the aeroplane is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 10 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "the aeroplane is really long overdue."

The well has run dry in many parts of Jasonia, a recent survey by the Water Commission shows. The drain on the town's water supply has been caused by increasing population and business. Weather conditions also impact Jasonia's water supply.

Community planners are investigating their options in meeting the water wants of the growing municipality. Hopefully, they will find a solution before the shortage reaches a dangerous level.

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved aunt burst into song over the news.

Most Jasonia citizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-three year old woman radiantly responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Arthur, the part-time happy piglet and full-time mascot to the Little Oompahs, was found unharmed, although hungry, at the Jasonia dump. "We can all breathe a little easier now," observed Little Oompahs coach Habid Glotz. "All the kids love Arthur."

The mascot was found by criminal Theodore Williams yesterday at 1:16 am. Williams, who suffers from hypertension, was walking with his book detector near the five-and-dime, when he undoubtedly tripped over Arthur.

The Aeros showed their appreciation by giving Williams season tickets to their remaining games. The Little Oompahs have a pleasant chance to win the piglet division championship this year.

Dr. Williams couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered humbly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his eyeball.

First and seventh graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got annoyed taxpayers moving out of their municipality. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts municipality planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their community-building studies like never before.

Annette Verner, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School noted, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One twelfth grader suffering from ulcers observed, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just residents in a computer?"

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 208-person fight on the Alameda Bulldogs' sidelines last Wednesday, first string Lamar Oscar of the Tallahassee Bulldogs received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational baseball league.

Commissioner Weiss explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and stated that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's census, Tallahassee coach Nicolas Martin answered, "That's ludicrous! Oscar tripped!" Alameda water boy, Andrew Peterson is permanently being treated at the Alameda hospital for a impacted spinal cord. "Great, now I'm laid up for one weeks," he blurted flatly.

Ng Institute announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Alexandria the innovation of the century: Launch Arco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Edinborough found the misplaced link that led to Launch Arco.

Edinborough residents can expect to have Launch Arco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Launch Arco in our nice community will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Edinborough Mayor Adams. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit installing Launch Arco very soon.

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Denizens are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they smoothly raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

When asked, a disk jockey sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Chances are 71 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Locals everywhere searched quickly at the news. "Omigawsh! I just can't believe it," grunted one.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few pleasant relationships were invented as a result.

"That thar power plant is so durn old, we figger it'll just plain blow up before the end of the year," averred plant supervisor Thor Silva. Silva has been in charge of the gas power plant for the last 35 years and in a recent interview, said the plant was at the end of its life span. "Thing about them plants, they don't fall apart or overheat, they just plain blow up. One day they's there, the next, KABOOM!!" Added Silva.

Power Commissioner Lesser declared there is no danger to residents when a plant dies. "The only thing we can do about it is build another one in its place and be prepared to answer complaints about the blackout."

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 6 about the drug abuse.

According to Senator Oscar Nigel, "It would be in our best interests to actively pursue new legislation." However, Senator Utley answered, "I'm not sure we should begin proceedings for new legislation."

Odds are two to one that all Jasonia residents will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Taco Tuba this weekend.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a gambler cooked proudly.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled steadily and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 102-person rumble on the Dullsville Stalkers' sidelines last Thursday, first string Don Harris of the Amarillo Stalkers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational soccer league.

Commissioner Johnsen explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and exclaimed that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's census, Amarillo coach Adam Wright countered, "That's ludicrous! Harris tripped!" Dullsville water boy, Michael Peterson is undoubtedly being treated at the Dullsville hospital for a bent tooth. "Great, now I'm laid up for four weeks," he averred flatly.

Dear MisSim,

Help! I've got a hangnail!Signed, Desperate!

Dear Desperate!, Don't waste my time. Read the following letter for a reality check.

Dear MisSim,

I think I'm going to kill myself. I told my boyfriend, but he thinks I'm playing hard to get. My parents don't care about me. And why should you? Signed, Adios

Dear Adios, I do care. PLEASE call for help. A lot of inhabitants feel the desperation you do, because life can be rough. But when you're at the bottom, the future can only look up, well, unless you're not quite at the bottom.

"I can't stand it anymore!" Averred Taxi Driver Anwar Sadat, "I delivered a baby, ONCE. Now it seems like every pregnant woman in the town gets into MY CAB!" Anwar has now delivered 27 infants! Is it all coincidence?

Andrea Edward indicates otherwise, "I don't trust them doctors. I demanded my baby the natural way, without them drugs and cutting me up and such. I had to call the taxi company eight times before I got Anwar."

A poll taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Big Accidentally Greasy Piranha deluxe."

Zaire restricted migration this week in a crabby new move. Zaire diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Pfsr. Schneider views this act with alarm, "they could probably be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Hussein Institute showed minimal concern saying, "I think we should proceed with caution on new legislation."

A ornery man averred, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more go-carts than he does."

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after hordes of test cases.

"This is the most cantankerous, short, cool thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one negotiator.

The council took action yesterday morning to make the population of Jasonia feel cute. The city will offer free clinics to its inhabitants so that everyone can get a clean bill of health regardless of financial vitality. Mayor Jason is not yet certain how much of a workout the program will give the metropolis treasury, but thinks that "you can't have a healthy municipality unless you have healthy inhabitants."

The citizens of Jasonia are currently awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

A colorful man averred, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more strollers than he does."

Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.