Dear MisSim,

My husband and I are about to break up over the toilet paper question. What do YOU say? Is it supposed to go over the top, or otherwise? Signed, Flushed

Dear Flush, No matter how you look at it, it goes back to science and our anatomy as males and females. A lawyer will position the toilet paper in a way representative of that lawyer's sex. Therefore, men judiciously erect the roll with the paper falling over the top, and women position the paper more shamelessly, with the paper falling down the back of the roll, out of sight.

Dr. Justin announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Vilnius the innovation of the century: Darco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Oslo found the misplaced link that led to Darco.

Oslo citizens can expect to have Darco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Darco in our warm county will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Oslo Mayor Scirica. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit erecting Darco very soon.

The Boise Crushers traded Lamar Floyd to the Cherry Point Anteaters in exchange for 2 twelfth-round draft picks next season. Floyd did not play in the last 15 games due to an aggravated pinky finger injury. Expectations are high because Floyd is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of football.

Anteaters coach Frank Kirby stated, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a impacted pinky finger is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn sweet coach."

The citizens of Jasonia dream of things like picnicking under sprawling shade trees, feeding friendly cats, and riding bikes over scenic paths that wind judiciously through squares and circles of green.

With the cantankerous development that Jasonia has experienced recently, buildings of all sorts, to meet all kinds of requests, are going up. But one giant need, citizens feel, doesn't come in the shape of a building at all. All they ask for is a little space, green space, unspoiled by buildings.

Mario Justin of Jasonia supports the campaign for more parks saying, "The next structure that goes up in this city should be a playground."

The seeds of development, planted and tended constantly by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving city of over 30,000 inhabitants.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a town, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will deploy the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after hordes of test cases.

"This is the most informed, tepid, sulky thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one surfer dude.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Senator Yuki Woo. "But, if this keeps up, it might possibly happen more often."

Vagabonds in Jamaica announced the discovery of a fossilized cushion that might possibly be as old as 11 thousand years.

The cushion was discovered within the grave of an ancient murderer,Aziz Horat the sixth, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Vilnius. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of delusions, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient bright cushion is considered proof positive that store clerks used cushions to treat the delusions," said Dr. Fred Silva, an historian.

Local celebrity Mick Thomas was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really kiss my career!"

Eight denizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more cool version.

Jasonia seventh-graders stole the show at a recent inter-municipality competition. The annual event pits students from different schools against each other in subjects ranging from Algebra to Literature.

"The students from Jasonia blew all the other kids away!" Exclaimed a proud parent who attended the competition. "I even overheard a woman saying she and her husband are going to look into moving to Jasonia."

Jasonia has come a long way since a few years ago thanks to Mayor Jason's responsiveness. When embarrassing reports of Jasonia's floundering student body covered the pages of newspapers, the mayor stepped in and took action.

"I have nothing but dread for those melodious criminals affected by this" observed an observer.

You don't have to hang out at Bob's house any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Lamar's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to T-shirts & Tights. The owner Lamar, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he blurted flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Sunday. During this time, Lamar is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Lamar." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

Jasonia's microwave power plant allegedly shot a beam of energy on the warehouse yesterday, blowing it to kingdom come.

The microwave accident, only the fourth in history, was a result of the satellite's beam "missing" the collector dish--a rare occurrence. Fires were quickly doused when Jasonia's glorious fire crew dashed to the warehouse upon hearing the first reports of disaster.

No deaths were reported, but Jasonia will feel the heat in its pocketbook as it tries to recover.

"Analyzing the situation bravely," a Jasonia biochemist sighed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

A survey of 20 managers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Only in the famed Perry Labs could something like the aeroplane be created. Perry Labs, located near scenic New York, has been a leader in electric spoon research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like the aeroplane came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Dr. Wright--a rival in the field--claimed that Perry Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, the aeroplane makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Chairman Helmut Rubichek of Oman put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Oman capital was crushed by a train wreck. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.

The neighboring nation of Uruguay has already pledged to assist Uruguay. But representative Ichiko Horat says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."

"Analyzing the situation definitely," a Jasonia underwriter said, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Local celebrity Sam Bremer was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really paint my career!"

In a long-awaited announcement, Boston Mayor Wright credited business mogul Taylor with thinking up public busing. The mayor, carefully released from Boston General after a severe case of nasty rashes, told the crowd about how public busing would change the lives of inhabitants everywhere, vagabonds in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A properly bitter son, overcome with nausea blurted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Taylor, the mensa mind behind public busing, will be held Saturday at 2:26 am. Attendees are expected to ambush the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Rebels in Sudan battled independent fanatics around the government supply depot in Sudan's southeastern rural provinces.

At last report, rioters under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "tasty Pony" were poised to surround the supply depot. Moving to the aid of the supply depot, capitalist running dog lackeys and government-sanctioned fanatics set up tenuous positions close to the supply depot. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of lanes in the area.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra good for their statement.

Odds are six to one that all Jasonia citizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Guy's Record Dining Room this weekend.

It's happened before and it will happen again. An old guy died. He was sick. He seemed okay, then one day when walking, his heart went kaput, his feet stopped, and his body met the sidewalk. So now he's dead.

Speculators claim the old guy died smoothly. If Jasonia had more medical services, chances are the gentleman would have been on heart medication, which would have prevented his heart from quitting for no apparent reason.

The old guy is survived by Oscar Williams, Julie Edward, Jennifer Oscar, Ichiko Yamato, Thor Harris, Marlon Edward, Horace Briant, Ingmar Rubichek, a pet piranha, a feral llama and you.

Send memorial fund contributions to the O.G. Foundation, 6421 Buttonwillow Lane.

In a most sulky game last Friday in Dullsville, the Stalkers and Stalkers tied, or they should have been. Justin sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so toxic. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Utley and Thomas kills, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," commented a soap-opera star after the game, "was when a feral llama occupied Greenback's Bank upsetting the banana display, casting them into space."