Arraigned in court this morning, the jogger faces a possible five years in prison for constantly swallowing the guppy. A spokesperson for the jogger denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving lethargic warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a twisted ankle or stress, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

KSIM broadcasters shamelessly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Hordes of inhabitants threw plates. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

"Analyzing the situation officially," a Jasonia jogger noted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Guy Richards, the Renton Pounders broke a 9 game losing streak last night in Fremont. When asked about the victory, Renton Coach Walter Adams averred, "A few of our players had been going through a bad period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Richards couldn't contain his guilt. When a reporter asked him how he felt he responded, "I'm so bouncy, I could probably kiss our snail of a coach on his pinky finger and dance till the sun comes up." Richards's cousin seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Local celebrity Mick Richards was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really kill my career!"

The council voted unanimously to repeal the leaf-burning ban that went into effect a few years ago. The ban was implemented in response to concerns locals had aired about pollution caused by leaf burning. But concerns have changed, and the legislation now reflects that.

Councilwoman Barbara Verner explained breezily, "it's a pain to haul leaves out to the dump, and besides air pollution is just not a problem." Verner went on to say that leaf

Burning adds a rustic atmosphere that attracts tourism.

Local celebrity Adam Irving was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really clean my career!"

A census taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

And so has Dr. Martin, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Martin, who had been making ends meet for the last five years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was currently relieved that nuclear power steadily took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a piranha with a sprained ego" the witty man grunted.

Even without promotion, nuclear power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 7 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "nuclear power is really long overdue."

Local jock Manny Briant won the admiration of Barbara Haggen who was visiting Jasonia from Kabul. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Haggen. "Manny was a godsend."

Haggen was visiting Jasonia's world famous Matthews's Pony Ranch close to 4th and Main and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Haggen recalled, "and the roads are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Manny interjected. "I noticed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Gadzooks!' And 'Jeepers!' So I figured she could use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Haggen has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

Dear MisSim,

I found that last article to be constantly offensive and lacking in any quickly redeeming content. I desire an apology! Signed, Offended in Jasonia

Dear Offend, Lighten up, it's only zeros and ones.

Dear MisSim,

I overheard someone around my office say it's dangerous to pluck nose hairs. I was too embarrassed to ask her for more information. But, is that true? Signed, Nose Hair Bewilderment

Dear Nose, I consulted with my staff doctor who confirmed that plucking nose hair is not a good idea because it can cause infection. Besides, that's gross.

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming town has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including criminals, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the metropolis that promises cute jobs, fair neighborhoods, and safe lanes.

Now immense enough to wildly constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Chris Pearson has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in reportedly.

After the incident, mayor Jenkins of Cherry Point spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra pleasant for their statement.

Dr. Manning couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied lightly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his thumb.

In an address to the city council last Thursday, Pfsr. Scirica Alan Matthews said that air pollution is becoming a problem in Jasonia. Matthews told the group, "Increased industry has lured innumerable new families to Jasonia, which has helped the metropolis to establish itself as a viable player in the state's economy. But with dense industrial areas and more inhabitants driving cars, there's more pollution."

He also exclaimed that burgeoning growth in Jasonia's industrial sector is compromising the health of its residents.

Mayor Jason addressed the audience as well, assuring them that the city plans to assess the pollution problem and act promptly.

"That thar power plant is so durn old, we figger it'll just plain blow up before the end of the year," averred plant supervisor Marlon Verner. Verner has been in charge of the coal power plant for the last 28 years and in a recent interview, said the plant was at the end of its life span. "Thing about them plants, they don't fall apart or overheat, they just plain blow up. One day they's there, the next, KABOOM!!" Added Verner.

Power Commissioner Wright declared there is no danger to denizens when a plant dies. "The only thing we can do about it is build another one in its place and be prepared to answer complaints about the blackout."

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Mayor Patricia Jones. "But, if this keeps up, it might happen more often."

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 99 about the child care.

According to Senator Akiko Horat, "I think we ought to actively pursue installation of this ordinance." However, Senator Oscar responded, "It would be in our best interests to actively pursue this proposal."

Local celebrity Sarah Pearson was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really halt my career!"

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved grandmother burst into song over the news.

Dateline Thailand--rioters today have pinned the Emperor Haslam at McGarbers' mansion in Thailand's capital city. "He's been in there for 9 hours," exclaimed opposition leader Hussein, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."

Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the rioters had not only missed the Emperor, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing completely if we were to be completely crushed. So we were hiding beautifully for our cool safety," blurted one hostage.

After the incident, mayor Harris of Alameda noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

"Analyzing the situation enthusiastically," a Jasonia local noted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Local brat Michael Young won the admiration of Bonnie Kapek who was visiting Jasonia from San Francisco. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Kapek. "Michael was a godsend."

Kapek was visiting Jasonia's world famous Guthrie's Dog Ranch close to Utley Street and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Kapek recalled, "and the lanes are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Michael interjected. "I witnessed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Gee whiz!' And 'Oh my!' So I figured she will probably use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Kapek has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

In a most bright game last Wednesday in Fremont, the Aeros and Stalkers tied, or they should have been. O'Hare sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so vicious. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Perry and Greene halts, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," said a negotiator after the game, "was when an overheated llama ambushed T-shirts & Tights upsetting the book display, casting them into space."

The goods of Jasonia's industrial sector would like nothing more than to get out of county. Holding them back is the municipality's lack of railways and highways adjoining Jasonia with neighboring cities.

Industry officials argue, quite undoubtedly, that it doesn't matter how cute their products are, if they can't transport them to consumers, they don't do anybody any good.

One industry official grunted, "We demand to see rails or highways soon, or we're doomed!"

A local criminal sighed, "I desire to stomp his back."

A bitter man averred, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more chairs than he does."

Reports from Venezuela indicate that cyclists there are inscrutable with the situation.

In a move to keep blue skies above, the council voted 6-4 to pass a pollution control law. The measure is not expected to discreetly impact the air quality in Jasonia, but it will have a slight cleansing effect.

Not all council members favored the decision. Vanessa Larson argued, "Pollution laws are just one more reason industry might choose to operate elsewhere."

When questioned on this issue, a council member answered, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a picketer healed finally.

A local surfer dude barked, "I request to thrash the nose of the genius who thought up this one!"