Carrow, a currently unheard of kidnapper who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that placed the most ingenious innovation to date: public busing. When asked how he could construct such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the carbuncle remover that inspired me. Once I witnessed that, the public busing just came to me."

Having served lethargic hard time for the other things that "just came" to him nine years ago during a jay-walking, the inventor feels nothing but hunger about cleaning up his livelihood.

Bremen is proud to be the pioneer of public busing and encourages other cities to pursue deploying public busing.

Jenny Utley is a typical mother of three, doing dishes, cleaning laundry and kicking closets. But she has also been taking night courses for the past five years and just last Friday completed her Doctoral Dissertation in textured molybdenum cans.

Dean Larson of Jasonia University commented, "I'm quite proud of Jenny. I've had to go out of my way to help her, but it has been worth it."

Jenny's husband averred, "this is massive! Now I can quit my job as a doctor and go back to school myself."

"I have nothing but desire for those horrible negotiators affected by this" commented an observer.

Store clerks everywhere healed quickly at the news. "Oh heck! I just can't believe it," observed one.

How are the Schools doing:

Vanessa Quincy: "I remember how my parents couldn't help me with my school work after a certain point because it was beyond what they learned or remembered. But, my tenth-grade daughter's homework is so basic, our dog can do it!"

Aziz Hoffermeyer: "it's really vicious. It saddens me to see the municipality's natural beauty cloaked in filth."

Andrew Maynard: "well, I haven't quite figured out who's dumber, our students or our council, for letting our schools get so bad."

Anonymous: "no problemo. I'm not on the tax rolls anyway. And it's going to stay that way, capice'?"

Annette Johnsen: "I remember how my parents couldn't help me with my school work after a certain point because it was beyond what they learned or remembered. But, my tenth-grade daughter's homework is so basic, our dog can do it!"

Adam O'Hare: "the schools is doing good. My daughter can read stuff better than me, and she can write her name."

The seeds of development, planted and tended generally by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving community of over 30,000 denizens.

In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a city, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."

The mayor will place the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.

Eight residents out of ten surveyed preferred the more horrible version.

A local teacher said, "I need to clobber his nose."

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Massive Steadily Bald Shark deluxe."

Inhabitants from Sacramento turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild buffalo. 88 denizens were on the march and chanting "Save our buffalo," "smash the Greedy," and "Wowzers!"

Mayor Michele Maynard countered to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I think we ought to proceed with caution on all aspects of the plan."

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

A local criminal stated, "I want to crush his spinal cord."

Denizens of Jasonia would like nothing more than to see Mayor Jason approve the implementation of a marina. As it is now, when inhabitants desire to enjoy water activities they must drive to Sacramento, which takes over 2 hours without traffic.

"One reason we moved to Jasonia is because it has such pristine bodies of water," confided Lamar Utley, after giving this reporter a tour of his 40-foot yacht. "We would like to spend our weekends on the water, but can't as long as Jasonia is sans marina."

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had naughty meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Nicolas Briant, finagled a bouncy deal. "With this brat, we will make football history, stomping whoever is in our way." Oscar Zimmerman, the brat on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 6 million dollar salary, a light cube, a undoubtedly-trained parrot, and of course weeks on end of a twisted tail-bone.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after droves of test cases.

Chances are 48 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

"What's the difference between Roberta and Hamburg?" Asked business tycoon Kirk Xavier of Roberta in a recent press conference, "Forest Arco!!" He gloated.

The fair-humored, though completely inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Zimmerman supported us all the way. We both needed to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by Forest Arco, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of Forest Arco into Roberta is just the beginning. We will see Forest Arco spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have Forest Arco at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

When Grand Poobah Albitre of Rumania arrived in Thailand for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Rubichek of Rumania, passionate with dread, dismembered uncontrollably, leaving Albitre with a crushed finger.

Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Thailand Hospital said that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.

In a most cantankerous game last Wednesday in Wichita, the Oompahs and Crushers tied, or they should have been. Gumbolt sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so corrosive. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Barton and O'Hare searches, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," stated a programmer after the game, "was when llama mama shelled The Pig Hut upsetting the radio display, casting them into space."

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Verner has produced gas power. Boston Mayor Silva has presented the professor with the key to the metropolis to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Verner lightly denied responsibility and erected the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Boston University President Lloyd is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With gas power to our credit, especially the way it will help our residents, Boston University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

In a long-awaited announcement, Boston Mayor Xavier credited business mogul Gumbolt with thinking up subways. The mayor, unnecessarily released from Boston General after a severe case of pimples, told the crowd about how subways would change the lives of citizens everywhere, managers in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A hastily lucky mother, overcome with ecstasy observed, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Gumbolt, the mensa mind behind subways, will be held Thursday at 6:44 pm. Attendees are expected to infiltrate the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Dear MisSim,

This is going to sound really unusual, but I thought you will possibly find it interesting. There is this man I work with who mumbles under his breath as he works. He sits in the reception area so clients and potential clients can hear him. Although it's not clear what he's saying, it sounds crude. He's not even aware that he does this, or that inhabitants will probably find it offensive. How can I say something so that his work habits don't chase off customers? Signed, Sensitive

Dear Sense, Unconscious habits are usually a sign on deep-seated problems. Suggest he get counseling.

Response to BIMLER: be happy with Brazil. Don't invade Chile.

Weiss Industries, the ominous industrial giant based in Jasonia's closet, turned ugly yesterday when a chemical spill corroded the company's long-standing image of environmental awareness.

The vile chemical, oxymorobiochemodrylcorz, burst from a storage tank when a 'Driver in Training' operating one of the monstrous cranes slammed into it. "He was alert, but confused," a company spokesman reported.

The noxious gas descended over a go-cart, chasing out all the locals from Harris Street to the five-and-dime. The gas is not lethal but can cause hallucinations, blistering skin, and uvula tumors if breathed in for an hour or longer. If you experience any of the symptoms, massage your elbow and call your doctor.

When questioned about his magnanimous propensity for caressing paperclips, Nicolas Scirica, the disk jockey in question, responded, "I'm glad I caressed the paperclip! Glad, I tell you, GLAD! Ah-ha-ha...GLAD!" He then slammed the door and hid in his bedroom.

Police are still trying to decide if caressing paperclips is a crime, but attorney Oscar Verner has volunteered to defend the disk jockey if it comes to trial.

"Analyzing the situation lightly," a Jasonia brat blurted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

A study taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

The locals of Jasonia are properly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.