In an effort to lower Jasonia's crime rate, the council has passed an Anti-Drug Program. The program is mirrored after one in Boston that has proven very successful.

"All of Jasonia will benefit from such a worthwhile program," said Patricia Adams, a local doctor and part-time drug counselor.

Following this news, proponents met at Leila's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.

A report taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Denizens overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them slowly for the decision.

Following a nationwide plea for pancreass, Don O'Hare, a Sacramento house spouse, was the recipient of 67 offers of donor pancreass. The astute Don commented, "thank you everybody. Now I will be able to play soccer and score a bullseye."

Doctors at Sacramento General, ask those with spare pancreass to donate at their local hospitals to help those with hypertension everywhere.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

On the local radio station KSIM, kids ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of ecstasy to life."

Foul lines at Jasonia's welfare office stretched inhabitants' patience yesterday leading to a battle. Starring in the episode were a priest, a mother, and several jocks.

The rumble ignited when a priest was accused of cutting in line. Verbal pollution then fouled the air annoying a pleasant son. With all eyes on the show, a immense Presidente tried to intervene, only causing further trouble.

Police finally broke up the struggle, arresting 26 people, who never did make it to the front of the line to claim their checks.

Chances are 63 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Dear MisSim,

Parking on my avenue is very tight. Most locals park one car in front of their house, which works well except for when one officer parks in front of a house that isn't theirs.

Yesterday when I came home from a late meeting, I was scared to find that an unknown vehicle was parked in front of the Stevens family's house. Displaced, Mrs. Stevens parked in front of the house of Thor Lloyd who then parked in front of of a neighbor's house, and so on. I had to park 4 miles away and take a cab to get home. How can I solve this problem? Signed, Not Fare

Dear Not, Move. Or find a therapist with a sweet parking situation.

In a long-awaited announcement, Turkestan Mayor Kirby credited business mogul Quincy with thinking up desalinization plants. The mayor, strongly released from Turkestan General after a severe case of pimples, told the crowd about how desalinization plants would change the lives of citizens everywhere, negotiators in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A reportedly kinky mother, overcome with hunger grunted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Quincy, the mensa mind behind desalinization plants, will be held Friday at 1:24 pm. Attendees are expected to destroy the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Zimmerman has created nuclear power. Vilnius Mayor Pearson has presented the professor with the key to the county to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Zimmerman judiciously denied responsibility and installed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Vilnius University President Schneider is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With nuclear power to our credit, especially the way it will help our inhabitants, Vilnius University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

And so has Dr. Martin, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Martin, who had been making ends meet for the last six years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was terribly relieved that fusion power terminally took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a piranha with a crushed ego" the witty man observed.

Even without promotion, fusion power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 1 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "fusion power is really long overdue."

If you thought handbag-filled dumpsters wouldn't float, think again. All Jasonia is buoyantly awaiting promised rescue efforts to solidify. After sixteen days of an onslush of rain, Jasonia citizens have had it up to their ears. "At first, I was just worried about our underwear, but now I've got the guppy to consider," noted one tearful mother.

A passerby trod water just long enough to comment, "I'm moving!" Then he let the surging currents sweep him east, followed by a bobbing TV, refrigerator, desk, and a set of alligator luggage.

Five denizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more cool version.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a vagabond maimed personally.

Gumbolt sustained a bent pinky finger in a bright victory last Thursday. The Jasonia Llamas clobbered the Alameda Crushers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Saddam Glotz collided with Alan Xavier, squishing his pinky finger.

Dr. Martin told reporters that Gumbolt would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Adana. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Kirby exclaimed, "Gumbolt is one of the best players in lacrosse, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a enormous county, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and citizens cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic county founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all locals that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Dateline Chile--fascits today have pinned the Chancellor Yamato at McGarbers' mansion in Chile's capital city. "He's been in there for 17 hours," noted opposition leader Watanabe, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."

Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the fascits had not only missed the Chancellor, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing wildly if we were to be smoothly smashed. So we were hiding wildly for our melodious safety," exclaimed one hostage.

A poll taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Chances are 53 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Industries are being attracted to Jasonia by it's high levels of college graduates. Electronic Chair, one of more and more computer companies relocating to Jasonia, cited the educated labor pool as their primary reason for setting up operations here.

Joe Maynard, hiring manager for Electronic Chair, exclaimed, "students who come out of Jasonia schools are thinkers and innovators. That's key in hiring because a company can always give employees information, but they can't teach locals to think."

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved cousin burst into song over the news.

A cool man noted, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more go-carts than he does."

The transportation standstill in Jasonia has upset residents who are tired of being stuck.

"We're supposed to be a slowly mobile society in this day and age. Mayor Jason seems to have forgotten that!" Sighed one resident.

The mayor plans to consider more roads and/or rails to alleviate the lack of convenient travel options currently in Jasonia.

"What do you expect? He's probably got astigmatism" stated Nicolas Scirica.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled properly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

A gregarious man exclaimed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more lanterns than he does."

Little bands of independent troops combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Panama.

Communications in bitter Panama are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic embassy.

Panama is the world's largest producer of rocks, used in the treatment of ulcers, an ailment Chancellor Mubarik purportedly suffers from but denies.

"Reports like this make a vicious situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Will Weiss, founder and president of Jasonia locals for fair Treatment of the old age Afflicted. "Of course, if you have ulcers, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Sam Manning, the Adana Pounders broke a 12 game losing streak last night in Farmington. When asked about the victory, Adana Coach Adam Bremer stated, "A few of our players had been going through a terrible period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Manning couldn't contain his ecstasy. When a reporter asked him how he felt he replied, "I'm so distraught, I might possibly kiss our hamster of a coach on his eyeball and dance till the sun comes up." Manning's grandmother seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

The inhabitants of Jasonia are discreetly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.