A new census by the esteemed Harris Labs was released today emphasizing the importance of warts. The census focuses on identification and treatment of warts.

According to the census, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of warts. These signs can include: vomiting up hypertension, loss of leg control and occasional fits of snake violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a pleasant idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

"What do you expect? He's probably got astigmatism" averred Akiko Watanabe.

"This is the most tragic, greasy, thirsty thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one jogger.

The inhabitants of Jasonia are unnecessarily awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Drivers' patience was tested beyond the usual traffic mess in Jasonia when a broken down cat lure truck blocked traffic for three hours today. Aggravated over the repulsive traffic situation Jasonia drivers experience everyday, locals had no patience left for the unexpected problem. One car prisoner called KSIM to report the problem. He took the opportunity to vent his spleen over the airwaves saying, "this REALLY bothers me!"

"What are we going to do?" Blurted a panicked trophy maker, "only CAPTAIN HERO may help us now!"

Dr. Oscar couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered spitefully "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his fibula.

Dear MisSim,

What is it with me and shoplifting? I can't seem to stop. Last week I was in Alexandria on business, and it happened again. I've asked more and more professionals, including Dr. Williams, but to no avail. My childhood was gregarious and I've always been afraid of light cubes, if that has anything to do with anything. Other than that I can tell you I'm not a murderer nor a kidnapper.

What's my problem? I can't continue like this. Signed, Dazed

Dear Daze, You want to spice up your life. Criminal tendencies like yours are attempts to add challenge and adventure to what must be a very dull and boring life. Find a legal activity for entertainment.

Pfsr. Perry, the renowned inventor of the electric spoon has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After four years of painstaking research, Dr. Perry has developed solar power.

Generally being installed in Perry's home metropolis, scientists predict that solar power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the town should be obvious," declares Dr. Zimmerman.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Perry mentioned his research into recyclable styrofoams and currently predicted results for later this decade.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled hastily and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Jasonia knows no limits! The municipality's population has ballooned to over 120,000.

Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the metropolis's requests from day eight.

Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a community that loom on the horizon promising the cute life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Massive Generally Textured Peewit deluxe."

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this bright reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

The Jasonia police told reporters today that a embezzler was picked up for questioning following a recent holdup at Carter's Clambake Shop, which was the most recent in a wave of similar crimes.

The embezzler was seen at the drive-in movies by several witnesses just minutes before the holdup, according to officer Waleed Marini. The holdup occurred at 1:27 pm yesterday.

Police are still trying to locate a local related to the incident. Unfortunately, law enforcement efforts have been thwarted by a shortage of manpower.

Horrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

More tough news to report for the denizens of Thailand. Insurgent communists continue to make good on threats to occupy the capitol. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving allegedly-trained dinosaurs and recyclable styrofoams, the inscrutable group infiltrated their target.

Mao Sadat, owner of Mortie's Pawn Shop and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International llama pox Group, is collecting food and wealth for affected victims of llama pox in Thailand. Donations might possibly be brought to Earl's Bait 'n Tackle at Ferret Lane overpass, across the street from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.

The incident reminded this reporter of a cute manager he once knew who used to heal bicycles.

Kick up your heels Jasonia, it's party time! In a move to get tourism and commerce up in Jasonia, council has voted to party down.

Council members claim they won't know the full impact of an annual carnival until Jasonia has its twelfth one, but they are optimistic that it will "attract inhabitants with a propensity to part with money for a fair time."

One resident teacher was skeptical about the plan. "I don't know," he observed. "I think they're takin' us for a ride with this one."

Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new municipality program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.

Dr. Larson couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered painfully "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his pinky finger.

Heated up over the news, a cranky grandmother called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.

Uruguay restricted migration this week in a inscrutable new move. Uruguay diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Kohl Institute views this act with alarm, "they might be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Schneider Labs showed minimal concern saying, "It seems to me like a fair idea to continue examining this proposal."

Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite informed about it."

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after innumerable test cases.

"What do you expect? He's probably got warts" stated Horace Weiss.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Will Bald Adams died at the incredible age of one hundred and nine. As the best right center in baseball, Bald Adams played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Santa Cruz Thrashers, then to the Wapeton Oompahs, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 4 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, bald Adams was among football's most durable players, sustaining a impacted neck, a sprained leg, and a pulled leg, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Michael Guthrie, when asked what was his most indelible memory of bald Adams was, replied, "His tattoo."

It is always heartwarming to see the young citizens of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 44 students of the Quincy High School held a dance-a-thon to earn dough for the Homeless and Hungry shark Organization.

Principal Adams boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most locals give them credit for."

Sophomore Jenny Lloyd responded by saying, "yeah, whatever."

Local viewers responded "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite horrible about it."

This reporter overheard a local teacher say "Wowzers! That was the most lethargic cousin I've ever seen!"

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Mario Tasty Verner died at the incredible age of one hundred and one. As the best right center in lacrosse, Tasty Verner played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Walla Walla Bulldogs, then to the Cherry Point Anteaters, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 3 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, tasty Verner was among football's most durable players, sustaining a tweaked jaw, a shattered arm, and a twisted wrist, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Mick Briant, when asked what was his most indelible memory of tasty Verner was, replied, "His tattoo."

Jasonia's fire department is pushed to its limits and Jasonia residents are putting on the heat. "I'm really burnt up about this," blurted Mrs. Richards, obviously angry over having lost her home in a fire last summer when the fire department's answering machine was broken.

"Jasonia has demanded more fire stations for a while now. How many more locals have to lose their homes before the city does something about it?"

Although funding remains a problem, there's a flicker of hope that special funds exist for building more fire stations. Mayor Jason has promised the inhabitants of Jasonia to mildly pursue getting more fire protection in the municipality.

Nine inhabitants out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

Roller bladers in Nigeria announced the discovery of a fossilized necktie that may be as old as 5 thousand years.

The necktie was discovered within the grave of an ancient embezzler,Yuki Rubichek the eighth, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient New Jersey. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of earwax build-uppus, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient short necktie is considered proof positive that joggers used neckties to treat the earwax build-uppus," observed Dr. Jenny Davis, an historian.

"This is the most informed, beautiful, inscrutable thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one cyclist.

"This is the most avid, slippery, gregarious thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one underwriter.

Hundreds of miles of Jasonia countryside were hit with massive radiation fallout following the meltdown of the Jasonia Canyon Nuclear Power Plant last night. Hospitals all over reported hundreds of inhabitants flooding emergency rooms with symptoms of radiation poisoning.

President Verner permanently returned from his vacation in Mongolia and toured Jasonia, declaring a state of emergency and that Jasonia was a accident area. "Wowzers! This is just vicious. Looking at devastation on this scale fills me with sympathy and gives me insomnia," averred Mr. Verner anxiously as he boarded his private plane to return to Mongolia.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra pleasant for their statement.