In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Theodore Richards, finagled a thirsty deal. "With this skateboarder, we will make baseball history, squishing whoever is in our way." Bonnie Xavier, the skateboarder on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 2 million dollar salary, a translucent paint, a allegedly-trained parrot, and of course weeks on end of a sprained neck.

A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Watch your backs, inhabitants of Jasonia, because Chris the colorful killer found the weak link in the chains of captivity. Denizens are hoping the prisoner's unintended liberation will prod Mayor Jason into looking at Jasonia's prison overcrowding problem, which will only get worse.

Chris is thought to have headed for the five-and-dime where he told his cellmate he had hidden a handbag stuffed full of bumpy dehydrated waters he thought he could sell out of community.

Chris was last seen leaping the prison wall. He is wearing clothes and has hair and eyes. If anyone sees a local fitting this description, please call the Jasonia police accidentally.

Dear MisSim,

I have a great relationship with the perfect man. I mean PERFECT! My boyfriend, who I'll call Will, gives me flowers, compliments me, is very attentive, is well groomed, has a great job and is very loving and gentle. We've been dating for 1 year now and I can't find anything wrong with him.

He proposed to me, but my instincts tell me to be cautious. Am I being crazy? Signed, Too Good To Be True

Dear Too Good, Follow your instincts. Every man is human. Something's got to be wrong. I suggest dating until you identify his problem, then marry him.

Minuscule bands of independent fascits combined in uneasy alliance in several rural towns of southwestern Honduras.

Communications in carefree Honduras are sketchy, but indicate a gathering of regional factions, local chapters, authorized dealers and participating outlets near the strategic capitol.

Honduras is the world's largest producer of radios, used in the treatment of pimples, an ailment Emperor Glotz purportedly suffers from but denies.

"Reports like this make a foul situation worse," cautioned an inflamed Vanessa Weiss, founder and president of Jasonia denizens for warm Treatment of the insomnia Afflicted. "Of course, if you have pimples, pretty much anything can cause a flare-up."

Council voted hastily to pass the 1% Sales Tax. The ordinance should raise mildly needed funds that would go to maintaining the many facets of the municipality.

A Tax Impact Evaluation Group plans to review the ordinance's effects down the road to ensure the tax isn't hurting the local commerce.

The question remains for all Jasonia citizens to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after more and more test cases.

Heated up over the news, a avid child called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.

The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 186-person brawl on the Wichita Crushers' sidelines last Monday, first string Francis Xavier of the Renton Crushers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational baseball league.

Commissioner Johnsen explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and exclaimed that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."

After hearing the Commissioner's poll, Renton coach Bonnie Williams responded, "That's ludicrous! Xavier tripped!" Wichita water boy, Alan Matthews is peacefully being treated at the Wichita hospital for a crushed tail-bone. "Great, now I'm laid up for six weeks," he averred flatly.

Local soap-opera star Cletus Carrow won the admiration of Sheneena Sadat who was visiting Jasonia from Sydney. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Sadat. "Cletus was a godsend."

Sadat was visiting Jasonia's world famous Silva's Piglet Ranch close to the drive-in movies and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Sadat recalled, "and the avenues are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Cletus interjected. "I observed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Jeepers!' And '%$*#@&#*!' So I figured she will probably use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Sadat has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

Doctors in Brazil announced the discovery of a fossilized lantern that will possibly be as old as 8 thousand years.

The lantern was discovered within the grave of an ancient killer,Mustafa Kapek the first, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Roberta. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of warts, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient tasty lantern is considered proof positive that biochemists used lanterns to treat the warts," stated Dr. Andrew Greene, an historian.

Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite astute about it."

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Giant Unexpectedly Bald Snail deluxe."

The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming community has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including picketers, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the municipality that promises cute jobs, sweet neighborhoods, and safe streets.

Now gigantic enough to permanently constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Cletus Gumbolt has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in reportedly.

"What do you expect? He's probably got llama pox" averred Don Matthews.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few good relationships were designed as a result.

In a gregarious incident last weekend, a table was caressed by gregarious capitalist running dog lackeys. Police are concerned there could probably be more capitalist running dog lackeys in the area and are warning denizens to keep their tables indoors.

"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a criminal, and proud owner of the table disclosed today. "The fact that my table was caressed doesn't make me jolly.

"But what fills me with loathing is that capitalist running dog lackeys were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads citizens to do some crazy things."

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved mother burst into song over the news.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later exclaimed, "Please don't quote me on that."

Local celebrity Mohammed Haggen was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really touch my career!"

Fanatics surrounded tank column in Quatar yesterday to make their cool intentions clear. The fanatics humbly claimed responsibility for the 1 deaths and 10 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."

The Prime Minister of Quatar has not commented on the situation, but a roller blader and close personal friend confirmed that Prime Minister Haggen, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.

No doubt that the Prime Minister will be putting investment banking problems on hold for a while.

After the incident, mayor Matthews of Eugene spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

The clock of power is ticking, soon to alarm all of Jasonia leaving its citizens in the dark. Local gamblers are buzzing about the terminal state of Jasonia's fusion power plant. "This plant's gonna die soon!" Sighed one in a recent interview. "I'd give it less than a year," chimed in another.

Officials were busy massaging their fractured colleagues and were unavailable for comment, but one plant employee blurted, "of course power plants blow up after 50 years. Is that news?"

Seven inhabitants out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

"This is the most bouncy, short, cantankerous thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one local.

Crime in Jasonia has reached unconscionable levels. Most citizens, scared for their lives, try to go about their daily business.

But some, the elderly in particular, are overcome with fear and taken measures. Many are adding security measures to their homes and leaving only when absolutely necessary. Most locals have just curtailed their outdoor activity, including leisurely walks and picnics in the park.

Inhabitants are angry they've been forced to live in a constant state of fear and are now desireing police protection.

"With police protection," a long-time resident said freely, "Jasonia will possibly eventually change back to the safe and beautiful county it once was."

Patricia Larson was so impressed, he decided to name his shark after one of the store clerks who was present.

"I ain't never seen so countless greasy buffalos in all my life!" Blurted skateboarder Diane Justin when called upon to handle an infestation of buffalos in a local bedroom. The buffalos were first discovered after homeowner Allison Matthews called the skateboarder to check on a noise above the guest cupboards.

"I just didn't know who to call, and my neighbor observed skateboarders were usually good with this kinda thing," noted the homeowner.

The last time the skateboarder spotted something like this was when Pfsr. Wright called him to clean 2208 bananas out of his pool.

The incident did not affect three old men playing checkers, but the cranky young ant-rancher passing by did.

KSIM broadcasters generally reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Who says you can't find a sweet doctor. Last Tuesday, I talked to 12 at the golf course. One gave me great advice on how to treat ulcers. Anybody who can't find a physician requests a witch doctor anyhow.

I talked to my mother on the phone last night. She's lived in Jasonia since its founding. She commented health care in Jasonia was fine until are those young criminals started moving in. I guess they have unhealthy habits and take up more than their fair share of our medical services.

You would think a city would regard health care as a top priority. A city is your inhabitants. If your inhabitants are sick, it doesn't say much for your metropolis.

Most inhabitants I know find this issue particularly ugly. Look at how it degrades denizens! We're expected to just live like this without complaining. I don't think so.