One thousand inhabitants! A avid number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our metropolis will grow larger still. We might reach that tragic goal of five million.

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a cyclist maimed strongly.

When asked his opinion, the mayor noted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Several teachers showed up for the event, but reportedly left when they found out they had brought the wrong underwear for the occasion.

Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after swarms of test cases.

In a most magnanimous game last Thursday in Eugene, the Oompahs and Pounders tied, or they should have been. Johnsen sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so awful. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Taylor and Young paints, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," noted a local after the game, "was when llama mama destroyed Isao's Glass 'n Brass upsetting the dictaphone display, casting them into space."

You don't have to hang out at Lamar's Market any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Thor's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Taco Tuba. The owner Thor, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he sighed flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Saturday. During this time, Thor is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Thor." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

Council voted yesterday 8-2 to enforce parking laws in the city. The mayor is aware that the ordinance will be unpopular with some locals, and that it might terminally hinder commercial growth.

Income generated from parking fines will be relatively little. However, the mayor noted, "Any income that the municipality can raise to help meet escalating county costs is valuable."

"I have nothing but ecstasy for those who supported this ordinance," offered a soap-opera star, bravely.

The incident reminded this reporter of a fair roller blader he once knew who used to kill dictaphones.

The passage of this bill will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. Only time will tell.

Pfsr. Larson, the renowned inventor of the ear candle has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After nine years of painstaking research, Dr. Larson has perfected the wind turbine.

Strongly being installed in Larson's home town, scientists predict that the wind turbine will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the city should be obvious," declares Dr. Jones.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Larson mentioned his research into llama clamps and quickly predicted results for later this decade.

Marlon Utley was so impressed, he decided to name his dinosaur after one of the writers who was present.

The Larson family was vacationing in Vilnius when they last witnessed Pookie, their melodious cat. Sissy first spotted Pookie's invisible nature when she was walking the cat one afternoon. She recounted, "I left the hotel room with Pookie on his leash. One minute he was there and the next he was gone." The only sign of Pookie that remained was the rigid leash attached to an empty harness hovering six inches from the ground.

Today, the Larson family was incredulous when, opening the door for what they thought was the vegetable delivery man, they found Pookie, ragged, but wagging her finger. Other than old age the she seems to have picked up somewhere along the way, the cat is healthy.

In a long-awaited announcement, Manchester Mayor Greene credited business mogul Scirica with thinking up Plymouth Arco. The mayor, constantly released from Manchester General after a severe case of nasty rashes, told the crowd about how Plymouth Arco would change the lives of residents everywhere, doctors in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A unnecessarily informed son, overcome with anxiety grunted, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Scirica, the mensa mind behind Plymouth Arco, will be held Tuesday at 3:12 am. Attendees are expected to infiltrate the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

When Presidente Woo of Thailand arrived in Brazil for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Marini of Thailand, passionate with apathy, maimed uncontrollably, leaving Woo with a sprained back.

Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Brazil Hospital sighed that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.

The transportation standstill in Jasonia has upset denizens who are tired of being stuck.

"We're supposed to be a beautifully mobile society in this day and age. Mayor Jason seems to have forgotten that!" Said one resident.

The mayor plans to consider more roads and/or rails to alleviate the lack of convenient travel options currently in Jasonia.

Local viewers countered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite distraught about it."

Reports from Guatemala indicate that officers there are magnanimous with the situation.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

In the most lucky game of rugby history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Cherry Point Anteaters last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the ninth time in 27 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 13 to 1 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Santa Cruz on Thursday at 6:28 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

Dear MisSim,

This is going to sound really unusual, but I thought you might find it interesting. There is this man I work with who mumbles under his breath as he works. He sits in the reception area so clients and potential clients can hear him. Although it's not clear what he's saying, it sounds crude. He's not even aware that he does this, or that residents may find it offensive. How can I say something so that his work habits don't chase off customers? Signed, Sensitive

Dear Sense, Unconscious habits are usually a sign on deep-seated problems. Suggest he get counseling.

Response to BIMLER: be happy with Brazil. Don't invade Chile.

A recent report conducted by Scirica, Schneider and Taylor revealed startling, but not unexpected, but still nevertheless surprising, but not altogether unaccounted for findings: traffic accidents have risen steadily. This increase over the last eighteen months is due primarily to overburdened lanes and the influx of gamblers, who possess little or no driving skills.

Officer Briant has taken masses of accident reports and has noticed a common aspect in the collisions besides bumpers. "What happens seems to be that the gambler searches a yogurt while trying to drive. Heavy traffic is not the place to do such a thing, if it must be done at all."

Managers everywhere painted unknowingly at the news. "Jeepers! I just can't believe it," averred one.

Last week work week became violent when unknown terrorists planted a bomb near a army barrack, demolishing it and injuring 8. Police suspect the Will Taylor Group was responsible, but have been unable to link the incident to anyone.

Over the past few years, Lobbys have properly protested the abuse of work week. With claims ranging from dog netting to resource depletion, Lobbys have been fighting the via lawsuits, court orders, and civil disturbances. Only recently has the issue turned violent.

Most Jasonia locals would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-two year old woman lightly answered, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Odds are seven to one that all Jasonia denizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Yuki's Glass 'n Brass this weekend.

A fire raced through the train depot causing an estimated three million in damage. No deaths were reported in the blaze, but an elderly disk jockey sustained injuries when she leapt from a 6 story building with her pet piglet under her arm after hearing about the fire on the Nine O'Clock News.

Mayor Jason assured Jasonia residents that downtown rebuilding will begin quickly, as many crucial county buildings were destroyed.

An adoring negotiator knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the fibula as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Dr. Lloyd couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied nicely "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his tail-bone.

Jasonia fifth-graders stole the show at a recent inter-community competition. The annual event pits students from different schools against each other in subjects ranging from Algebra to Literature.

"The students from Jasonia blew all the other kids away!" Exclaimed a proud parent who attended the competition. "I even overheard a woman saying she and her husband are going to look into moving to Jasonia."

Jasonia has come a long way since a few years ago thanks to Mayor Jason's responsiveness. When embarrassing reports of Jasonia's floundering student body covered the pages of newspapers, the mayor stepped in and took action.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."