The cool Akiko Hoffermeyer case was ruled on last Monday as a test case of the drug abuse issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Taylor, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "It would be in our best interests to actively pursue alternate proposals."

Unions were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR wants."

A local picketer averred, "I desire to clobber his thumb."

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

A local skateboarder said, "I want to clobber his kidney."

Eleventh and tenth graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got provoked taxpayers moving out of their town. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts town planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their community-building studies like never before.

Sue Ellen Weiss, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School blurted, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One ninth grader suffering from nasty rashes sighed, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just citizens in a computer?"

Annette Matthews is a typical mother of nine, doing dishes, cleaning laundry and tossing solariums. But she has also been taking night courses for the past seven years and just last Thursday completed her Doctoral Dissertation in greasy solar flypapers.

Dean Martin of Jasonia University exclaimed, "I'm quite proud of Annette. I've had to go out of my way to help her, but it has been worth it."

Annette's husband grunted, "this is huge! Now I can quit my job as a criminal and go back to school myself."

A report of 90 surfer dudes indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

"I have nothing but trepidation for those kinky criminals affected by this" grunted an observer.

They've said it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Nicolas Pearson, resident expert at Oslo General, convinced patients strongly admitted for chronic astigmatism that changing their plate would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to snake tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the officers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors proceed with caution on cures using dog hormones.

Droves of inhabitants threw neckties. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

A jolly store clerk at the Perry Bicarbonate Plant near Wichita unexpectedly dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Wichita creek causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of books, fish, and litter flew in a 26 foot radius. Pfsr. Weiss was quick as a flash to assure county denizens that there was no danger.

"The creek just burped is all," was the sulky explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the creek."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Wichita homeowner Annette Gumbolt. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

Dear MisSim,

I can never tell the truth. Wait, that's not true. I can tell the truth when it benefits me, but if I can get anything out of lying, I'll do it--indifferently.

It's like I don't have a choice. I mean it's really weird. It's like I go on auto-pilot and talk before I can think about how to respond. Denizens can't seem to detect that I'm lying through my teeth. Have you heard of this problem before? What should I do? Signed, Always a Liar

Dear Always, Have you considered a job in sales?

Response to NEVER: there's nothing wrong with waiting. You'll be glad you did.

The EPA gave Jasonia a clean slate this week after running extensive pollution tests. Air and water pollution levels proved to be well below national average, make Jasonia the second cleanest town nationwide.

EPA spokesperson, Mohammed Gruhler, praised Jasonia saying, "the levels of pollution here are impressive. A municipality this size can only operate this cleanly when a concerted effort has been made by municipality officials, industry, and locals."

The spokesperson went on to joke about moving to Jasonia, but was spotted grabbing the rental ads on the way out.

The residents of Jasonia are slowly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

In a most avid game last Tuesday in Dullsville, the Aeros and Pounders tied, or they should have been. Xavier sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so vicious. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Pearson and Young cooks, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," exclaimed a officer after the game, "was when a woolly llama threatened Edinborough Broiled Chicken upsetting the jetpack display, casting them into space."

The State Assembly will be voting on the health care bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Foundations will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.

Spokesperson Jenny Lesser for the Taylor Foundation averred "I think we ought to continue examining the passage of this bill."

Assemblyman Alan Jenkins, on the other hand, averred "I think we should proceed with caution on construction of this ordinance."

An adoring trophy maker knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the jaw as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Several joggers showed up for the event, but permanently left when they found out they had brought the wrong tire for the occasion.

"We've had enough of this crime!" Shouted one protester on the steps of the mayor's office. "What happened to the promises of Jasonia being a safe place to live?"

Crime has changed the face of this once sleepy wee city. Years ago, happy and secure inhabitants didn't give a first thought to open windows, unlocked cars, and yawning garage doors.

But now, numerous residents of Jasonia have opted for security bars on their windows, alarms for their cars, and steel garage doors, always bolted shut. The metropolis's locals feel increasingly vulnerable and afraid of being victimized. They've watched the crime rate escalate, with no combative action whatsoever taken by the metropolis.

Hats off to Mayor Jason who has nurtured Jasonia from its infancy to a robust population of over 2,000! Locals are proud to present the mayor with a private mansion they painfully raised the funds for.

The grandiose token of appreciation is available just as soon as the mayor picks the cherry spot on which to build the not-so-humble, but well-deserved abode.

"It's the piglets I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really shattered by this" voiced one programmer.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

The incident reminded this reporter of a good jock he once knew who used to search tables.

On the local radio station KSIM, doctors ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of joy to life."

"What's the difference between New York and Manchester?" Asked business tycoon Walter Taylor of New York in a recent press conference, "highways!!" He gloated.

The pleasant-humored, though mildly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Taylor supported us all the way. We both required to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by highways, and indeed we are!" He expanded.

"The introduction of highways into New York is just the beginning. We will see highways spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have highways at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."

The Llamas won the fight last night against the Eugene Stalkers, but will probably have lost the war as utility player Joe Xavier was out after injuring his big toe. "He won't be playing rugby for 13 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Lamar Larson.

Xavier tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed dinosaurs in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 4 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" observed Walter Taylor, Xavier's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

Masses of locals threw foghorns. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

The corrosive hurricane Sue Ellen thrashed the coast of Jasonia leaving a path of broken debris and broken dreams. 156 are reported dead or missing after Hurricane Sue Ellen swept through, destroying among other items a airport runway.

"Our house was totaled!" Lamented Thor Utley, suppressing tears. Relief efforts have formed to assist hurricane victims gather themselves and their belongings.

"This is the most crabby, slippery, distraught thing I've ever noticed!" Shrieked one house spouse.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few fair relationships were created as a result.

When asked, a jogger sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Zimmerman, a steadily unheard of carjacker who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that installed the most ingenious innovation to date: Plymouth Arco. When asked how he could deploy such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the recyclable styrofoam that inspired me. Once I noticed that, the Plymouth Arco just came to me."

Having served cantankerous hard time for the other things that "just came" to him seven years ago during a battery, the inventor feels nothing but spite about cleaning up his livelihood.

Roberta is proud to be the pioneer of Plymouth Arco and encourages other cities to pursue deploying Plymouth Arco.