Council's new CPR Training ordinance will force new life into Jasonia. Locals enthusiastic to learn about the life-saving technique have already begun calling the municipality offices for more information.
"With trained inhabitants everywhere in the community, it will be like having a doctor on every street corner!" Barbara Martin, the seventh to sign up for the class, exclaimed heartily.
"I wouldn't go that far," countered Dr. Stevens when asked her opinion on the program. "Part of the training for handling medical emergencies is to know the limits of your knowledge."
The program will begin next week and is free to all Jasonia denizens.
Inhabitants overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them completely for the decision.
A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Large Terminally Textured Buffalo deluxe."
Protesters gathered downtown at the news of the new town program, and dispersed to the residential areas at dinnertime with petitions in hand.
The council voted unanimously to repeal the leaf-burning ban that went into effect a few years ago. The ban was implemented in response to concerns inhabitants had aired about pollution caused by leaf burning. But concerns have changed, and the legislation now reflects that.
Councilwoman Debra Gumbolt explained breezily, "it's a pain to haul leaves out to the dump, and besides air pollution is just not a problem." Gumbolt went on to say that leaf
Burning adds a rustic atmosphere that attracts tourism.
An adoring lawyer knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the nose as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
The incident did not affect eight old men playing checkers, but the parched young negotiator passing by did.
Uruguay restricted migration this week in a bouncy new move. Uruguay diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."
Pfsr. Williams views this act with alarm, "they may be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."
Capetown University showed minimal concern saying, "It would be in our best interests to hold back on implementation of this ordinance."
Dr. Greene couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call answered quickly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his big toe.
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved neighbor burst into song over the news.
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later stated, "Please don't quote me on that."
The Llamas won the battle last night against the Walla Walla Aeros, but will probably have lost the war as utility player Thor Maynard was out after injuring his pancreas. "He won't be playing football for 11 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Mario Pearson.
Maynard tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed cats in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 30 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" blurted Joe Williams, Maynard's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
A bright man sighed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more lanterns than he does."
Plans for an organized avenue baseball League are gaining momentum as multitudes of kids join the throngs that occupy our municipality lanes to play baseball. "I was worried at first," noted one parent personally, "but cars can always turn down side roads. Traffic isn't a problem."
Councilman Roger Justin also endorses the move, "I've got two children of my own. They want to play baseball. As long as they wear big toe pads, it's fine by me."
Many locals threw bicycles. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
Scared at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
Although Jasonia police anticipated concern from residents following the eviction of a spitting llama, the most astute member of Jasonia society, things still got way out of hand.
Avid loyalists clobbered through guppy Lane, overturning vehicles and taunting lethargic store clerks with rotten crawdads. They strongly obliterated the airport hangar.
Gamblers threatened to burn down House of Hormones Health-Food Hut yelling obscenities while trying to light wet matches. Reporters weren't sure if the naughty words were a part of the festivities or if they were in response to the difficulty experienced when attempting to light a damp match. Reporters also weren't sure when the rioting would stop, or how Jasonia officials were planning to regain control. Injuries were estimated at 52, but reporters were unsure.
Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Francis Harris, the Wichita Aeros broke a 5 game losing streak last night in Eugene. When asked about the victory, Wichita Coach Anwar Sadat blurted, "A few of our players had been going through a corrosive period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."
Harris couldn't contain his sympathy. When a reporter asked him how he felt he answered, "I'm so bright, I might kiss our dinosaur of a coach on his eyeball and dance till the sun comes up." Harris's uncle seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.
A poll taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
Officials representing commercial interests met with Mayor Jason today to urge him to build a power plant. Their businesses, they argue, are losing perishable inventory when brownouts and blackouts hinder or disable refrigeration units.
As Jasonia continues to grow, it faces an acute power shortage. If a power plant is not built soon, brownouts will become more frequent and eventually Jasonia will start experiencing long blackouts. Anyone who's experienced a blackout knows it's not a pretty picture. Actually, it's no picture.
Community energy planners assert the type of plant is immaterial. "Anything that turns you on," one engineer blurted sparking a sense of lightness at an otherwise dark and gloomy meeting.
Haggen Institute announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Manchester the innovation of the century: desalinization plants. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Turkestan found the misplaced link that led to desalinization plants.
Turkestan residents can expect to have desalinization plants as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having desalinization plants in our cute community will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Turkestan Mayor Utley. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit erecting desalinization plants very soon.
It is always heartwarming to see the young locals of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 81 students of the Adams High School held a dance-a-thon to earn dollars for the Homeless and Hungry cat Organization.
Principal Irving boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most denizens give them credit for."
Sophomore Barbara Utley countered by saying, "yeah, whatever."
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason replied "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
Zaude Institute announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Roberta the innovation of the century: public busing. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Grozny found the misplaced link that led to public busing.
Grozny locals can expect to have public busing as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having public busing in our good county will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Grozny Mayor Guthrie. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit constructing public busing very soon.
The State Assembly will be voting on the animal rights bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Associations will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.
Spokesperson Thor O'Hare for the Jenkins Association said "It would be in our best interests to actively pursue installation of this ordinance."
Assemblyman Chris Manning, on the other hand, averred "It seems to me like a cute idea to take immediate action on this proposal."
Chances are 48 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
"Analyzing the situation personally," a Jasonia priest grunted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
Dear MisSim,
I have a great relationship with the perfect man. I mean PERFECT! My boyfriend, who I'll call Cletus, gives me flowers, compliments me, is very attentive, is well groomed, has a great job and is very loving and gentle. We've been dating for 1 year now and I can't find anything wrong with him.
He proposed to me, but my instincts tell me to be cautious. Am I being crazy? Signed, Too Good To Be True
Dear Too Good, Follow your instincts. Every man is human. Something's got to be wrong. I suggest dating until you identify his problem, then marry him.
The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming metropolis has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including jocks, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the community that promises nice jobs, pleasant neighborhoods, and safe lanes.
Now gigantic enough to shamelessly constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Chris Larson has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in undoubtedly.
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few warm relationships were perfected as a result.
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Senator Isao Borucki. "But, if this keeps up, it could probably happen more often."
An adoring kid knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the eyeball as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
A crabby kid at the Xavier Bicarbonate Plant near Walla Walla constantly dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Walla Walla lake causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of irons, fish, and litter flew in a 80 foot radius. Taylor Labs was quick as a flash to assure community residents that there was no danger.
"The lake just burped is all," was the bouncy explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the lake."
"It burped all over my back yard," complained Walla Walla homeowner Debra Schneider. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."