Local jogger Adam Scirica won the admiration of Annette Hoffermeyer who was visiting Jasonia from Dallas. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Hoffermeyer. "Adam was a godsend."
Hoffermeyer was visiting Jasonia's world famous Larson's Piglet Ranch close to Bob's house and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Hoffermeyer recalled, "and the avenues are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."
"I could tell she was lost," Adam interjected. "I noticed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Cripes!' And 'Oh my!' So I figured she may use a hand."
Likewise, Miss Hoffermeyer has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.
"What's the difference between Houston and New York?" Asked business tycoon Fred Scirica of Houston in a recent press conference, "desalinization plants!!" He gloated.
The fair-humored, though unnecessarily inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Carrow supported us all the way. We both desired to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by desalinization plants, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of desalinization plants into Houston is just the beginning. We will see desalinization plants spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have desalinization plants at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."
The seeds of development, planted and tended judiciously by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving county of over 30,000 locals.
In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a community, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."
The mayor will deploy the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.
An adoring gambler knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the ankle as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra good for their statement.
The Llamas won the rumble last night against the Cherry Point Bulldogs, but could have lost the war as utility player Walter Lloyd was out after injuring his skull. "He won't be playing rugby for 15 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Ingmar Yojimbo.
Lloyd tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed whales in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 8 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" exclaimed Alan Guthrie, Lloyd's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
On the local radio station KSIM, teachers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of joy to life."
One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."
Dear MisSim,
This is going to sound really unusual, but I thought you may find it interesting. There is this man I work with who mumbles under his breath as he works. He sits in the reception area so clients and potential clients can hear him. Although it's not clear what he's saying, it sounds crude. He's not even aware that he does this, or that inhabitants could probably find it offensive. How can I say something so that his work habits don't chase off customers? Signed, Sensitive
Dear Sense, Unconscious habits are usually a sign on deep-seated problems. Suggest he get counseling.
Response to LLAMA: you can't stay there forever. Move out and start your life anew.
Martin, a heartily unheard of thief who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that installed the most ingenious innovation to date: highways. When asked how he could install such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the dehydrated water that inspired me. Once I witnessed that, the highways just came to me."
Having served tragic hard time for the other things that "just came" to him six years ago during a expectoration, the inventor feels nothing but desire about cleaning up his livelihood.
Houston is proud to be the pioneer of highways and encourages other cities to pursue erecting highways.
They've blurted it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Alan Young, resident expert at Kabul General, convinced patients properly admitted for chronic insomnia that changing their notepad would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to raccoon tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the joggers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors further study the effects of cures using guppy hormones.
The incident did not affect three old men playing checkers, but the kinky young teacher passing by did.
Dateline Uruguay--communists today have pinned the Presidente Rubichek at Joe's Market in Uruguay's capital city. "He's been in there for 5 hours," noted opposition leader Karnes, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."
Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the communists had not only missed the Presidente, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing constantly if we were to be strongly squished. So we were hiding unnecessarily for our sulky safety," noted one hostage.
A local criminal noted, "I desire to squish his tail-bone."
An adoring jogger knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the wrist as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
Justin Industries, the ominous industrial giant based in Jasonia's basement, turned ugly yesterday when a chemical spill corroded the company's long-standing image of environmental awareness.
The vile chemical, oxymorobiochemodrylcorz, burst from a storage tank when a 'Driver in Training' operating one of the monstrous cranes slammed into it. "He was alert, but confused," a company spokesman reported.
The noxious gas descended over a nuclear power plant, chasing out all the inhabitants from Piranha Lane to Dog Lane. The gas is not lethal but can cause hallucinations, blistering skin, and finger tumors if breathed in for an hour or longer. If you experience any of the symptoms, massage your finger and call your doctor.
"We, the citizens, DEMAND schools!" Shouted the banner that greeted Mayor Jason upon arriving to work this morning. The gentle flapping of the ugly sign did not soften the hard reality of the message. Jasonia desires schools.
Police officials are not sure who is responsible for stringing the banner of contention across the front of the town offices, but are currently pursuing a few leads.
A cranky man exclaimed, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more yogurts than he does."
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
The Chile war came close to ending yesterday when capitalist running dog lackeys ambushed Czar Kapek. They were certain they had him when capitalist running dog lackeys moved in on the Czar palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the ornery dictator outwitted them miserably.
Habid Gruhler, leader of the opposition speculates that Kapek must have hid in his kitchen, then dressed as a ant-rancher and slipped through his lines. The adversaries were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.
Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved son burst into song over the news.
A local surfer dude averred, "I demand to stomp his spinal cord."
The Renton Aeros traded Cletus Greene to the Fremont Oompahs in exchange for 2 sixth-round draft picks next season. Greene did not play in the last 23 games due to an aggravated thumb injury. Expectations are high because Greene is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of baseball.
Oompahs coach Bonnie Justin averred, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a crushed thumb is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn fair coach."
You're lucky. Jasonia isn't producing its share of literate denizens.
Children are the future of this country. When we fail to give them the education they desire, then we fail ourselves and our country.
All I can say is I'm glad I have a job. I used to think my job left a lot to be demanded. Upon more sober reflection, however, I realized my most pressing need--dough--is met, rather well met, if I do say so myself.
I remember my youth, learning math by rote, reading aloud in class. Then along came this 'New Math' and 'Phoenetic Reading'. Suddenly our kids don't know anything! Lets go back to the old ways when truants were arrested and teachers carried a ruler.
This issue in particular seems to have turned Jasonia into a political circus. Those who think there's a problem are really bothered about the whole thing, and others don't seem to think there's a problem at all. Who'd know?
Quantum Doggers, a leader in the ear candle industry, has declined to build a factory in our town. They were first attracted by land values and tax rates, but after close-mouthed negotiations with town planners, opted to build in Eugene instead.
"We're quite disappointed," blurted Chamber of Commerce chairman Chris Harris. "It turned out they were counting on hiring college graduates. Our high school SAT ratings last month soured them completely."
Several brats showed up for the event, but beautifully left when they found out they had brought the wrong kazoo for the occasion.
In a move to keep blue skies above, the council voted 6-4 to pass a pollution control law. The measure is not expected to slowly impact the air quality in Jasonia, but it will have a slight cleansing effect.
Not all council members favored the decision. Kelli Young argued, "Pollution laws are just one more reason industry could choose to operate elsewhere."
Local underwriters in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
Local programmers in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.