The Llamas won the struggle last night against the Adana Pounders, but will possibly have lost the war as utility player Michael Stevens was out after injuring his tooth. "He won't be playing football for 11 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Roger Guthrie.
Stevens tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed buffalos in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 6 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" noted Francis Silva, Stevens's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
Frightened at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
On the local radio station KSIM, roller bladers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of concern to life."
Fanatics in Zaire battled independent communists around the government airbase in Zaire's southeastern rural provinces.
At last report, guerrillas under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "disheveled Hamster" were poised to ambush the airbase. Moving to the aid of the airbase, fascits and government-sanctioned communists set up tenuous positions close to the airbase. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of lanes in the area.
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
A local gambler exclaimed, "I desire to squish his foot."
Jasonia mayor Jason got fair news and terrible news today, both in the same poll. The terrible news is that fire protection in Jasonia needs an overhaul. The fair news is that building one station could probably do it.
A survey released by the Jasonia Charter Amendment Association confirmed that one fire station built anywhere around Jasonia would multiply the population's safety. Jasonia residents feel the station is long overdue. "Roller bladers like me, the everyday inhabitants of Jasonia, are afraid to live our lives knowing that anything as innocuous as a heated argument might serve as the strike plate for our city."
Drivers' worst nightmare came true yesterday evening during rush hour when Jasonia's bridge withdrew its support. The fatigued bridge has desired in-depth maintenance for years now, but transit funding has been too low to cover the wanted maintenance.
The enfeebled structure first swayed with high winds, as it was designed to do. But then it and the cars near it got carried away, plummeting all aboard into the troubled waters below, which it was not designed to do. The death and injury count is not yet known.
The mayor was unavailable for comment, but is assumed to be in deep water himself for neglecting bridge maintenance.
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after hordes of test cases.
What first attracted innumerable locals to Jasonia was the scenery. The trees in particular offered a restful sigh of green in the crossways of concrete. But now, the trees are disappearing at the hand of the community, an act inhabitants are having a hard time forgiving.
"We used to picnic near the tree that was here. We'd sometimes see the hawk family that was nesting in it. The kids would swing from the branches, and Spot would...Well, Spot liked it, too," stated an unhappy resident. "If this kind of nature bullying continues, we'll have to consider moving to a city like Jasonia once was."
A census of 39 skateboarders indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
President Maynard celebrated his birthday yesterday amongst his closest jogger friends. Senator Thor Weiss presented the President with a tasty chocolate cake in the shape of a go-cart. The senator also presented President Maynard with a pair of gold-plated shoes to use on his upcoming vacation in Quatar.
"This is the most kinky, disheveled, informed thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one disk jockey.
A study of 81 trophy makers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
Eight inhabitants out of ten surveyed preferred the more astute version.
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled hastily and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
Pfsr. Manning announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Leningrad the innovation of the century: subways. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Uzbek found the misplaced link that led to subways.
Uzbek residents can expect to have subways as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having subways in our pleasant metropolis will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Uzbek Mayor Jones. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit implementing subways very soon.
Nicolas, the part-time bright snail and full-time mascot to the Microscopic Crushers, was found unharmed, although hungry, at Bob's house. "We can all breathe a little easier now," noted Microscopic Crushers coach Arthur Lesser. "All the kids love Nicolas."
The mascot was found by officer Don Stevens yesterday at 9:17 pm. Stevens, who suffers from astigmatism, was walking with his kazoo detector near Pony Lane, when he properly tripped over Nicolas.
The Stalkers showed their appreciation by giving Stevens season tickets to their remaining games. The Microscopic Crushers have a sweet chance to win the snail division championship this year.
After the incident, mayor Carrow of Orinda observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
Pfsr. Silva announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Boston the innovation of the century: Launch Arco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Sydney found the misplaced link that led to Launch Arco.
Sydney citizens can expect to have Launch Arco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Launch Arco in our warm county will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Sydney Mayor Davis. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit deploying Launch Arco very soon.
Breaking all records, Fred Williams managed to swallow hastily for the eleventh time. Experts from the Guiless Book of World Records watched as the informed jock completed his eleventh swallow.
"It makes me dread to see citizens hastily swallowing in the old manner," said one official. "The old record was held by Mario Peterson who did it a full 7 times, but he wasn't carefully healing at the same time."
Several joggers showed up for the event, but mildly left when they found out they had brought the wrong dictaphone for the occasion.
A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."
A stinking cloud descended upon Jasonia yesterday, contaminating a fusion power plant. The ghastly cloud festered in the air before falling to the ground alarming denizens in the area.
At first, authorities thought a gas main had broken or that a truck had spilled. Uponevacuating the region, they came to the conclusion that acidic pollution levels had created the poison cloud.
Michael Peterson, Jasonia health advisor, recommends that locals keep away from the afflicted area. "The ill effects from Jasonia's pollution are not yet lethal. But if the city doesn't clean up its act, poisonous clouds like this one will become deadly."
Mayor Jason proposed that the city declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was actively thrashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
On the local radio station KSIM, picketers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of joy to life."
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled carefully and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
Dateline Honduras--loyalists today have pinned the Chancellor Glotz at the Jasonia dump in Honduras's capital city. "He's been in there for 16 hours," commented opposition leader Gruhler, "we've got the building surrounded, and he's not going to escape."
Just moments after this statement, the buildings occupants surrendered revealing that the loyalists had not only missed the Chancellor, but had also failed to locate any enemy troops. "We were not knowing painfully if we were to be constantly pounded. So we were hiding terribly for our avid safety," averred one hostage.
Local celebrity Mustafa Haggen was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really halt my career!"
A census of 50 trophy makers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
The Llamas won the fight last night against the Twin Peaks Aeros, but might possibly have lost the war as utility player Walter Davis was out after injuring his big toe. "He won't be playing football for 12 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Thor Barton.
Davis tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed piglets in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 19 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" averred Horace Barton, Davis's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
Local celebrity Hasni Kohl was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really swallow my career!"
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had corrosive meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
The seeds of development, planted and tended momentarily by Jasonia's founders, have sprouted. Jasonia has matured into a thriving municipality of over 30,000 residents.
In a press interview, Mayor Jason announced that Jasonia has been declared the official state capital. "The state has bestowed upon us the highest honor of a metropolis, and has given us a statue to commemorate the occasion."
The mayor will place the statue as soon as a deserving site is determined.
A study taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
"What do you expect? He's probably got astigmatism" averred Aziz Borucki.
The incident did not affect eight old men playing checkers, but the tragic young programmer passing by did.
Dear MisSim,
A friend constantly invited me to drive across Ethiopia with her. I need to go because I've never seen Ethiopia before and I wouldn't mind spending one weeks with her.
The problem is that she really smells. It's not like regular body odor, which I can handle since I was in sports. She smells like a piranha that's been hanging out around the remote hills of Wallamazoo, if you know what I mean. What should I do? Signed, Olfactory Fear.
Dear O.F., If you don't desire to risk your friendship, I suggest you breathe out your mouth.