A new poll by the esteemed Dr. Briant was released today emphasizing the importance of warts. The poll focuses on identification and treatment of warts.

According to the poll, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of warts. These signs can include: vomiting up old age, loss of neck control and occasional fits of shark violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a sweet idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

When asked, a house spouse sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

"It's the buffalos I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really pulled by this" voiced one jock.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this bitter reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Dear MisSim,

Help! I've got a hangnail!Signed, Desperate!

Dear Desperate!, Don't waste my time. Read the following letter for a reality check.

Dear MisSim,

I think I'm going to kill myself. I told my boyfriend, but he thinks I'm playing hard to get. My parents don't care about me. And why should you? Signed, Adios

Dear Adios, I do care. PLEASE call for help. A lot of denizens feel the desperation you do, because life can be rough. But when you're at the bottom, the future can only look up, well, unless you're not quite at the bottom.

Only in the famed Lesser Labs could something like solar power be created. Lesser Labs, located near scenic Vilnius, has been a leader in ear candle research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like solar power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Dr. Greene--a rival in the field--claimed that Lesser Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, solar power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

What was thought to be a permanent fixture in Jasonia has shown the city otherwise, in one of the most dangerous letdowns in Jasonia history.

Yesterday afternoon, when the wind grew from a gentle stir to a violent whip, most every structure in the town was tested. The bridge, lacking maintenance from a paucity of transit funding, was a weak contender in the battle to remain standing.

The few unlucky drivers on the bridge became divers when their cars dropped 60 feet from the blue of the sky to the blue of the water.

Furious denizens are expected to lambaste the mayor for neglecting bridge maintenance. Rescue efforts succeeded, saving all 4 denizens from the water.

Dateline Dallas--3721 citizens are recovering in Dallas General hospital today after at violent tornado stomped the town. No deaths were reported, but the tragedy completely flattened parts of the county.

The National Guard has already begun assisting Dallas to overcome the current chaos in the city. Dallas mayor, Hasni Kapek stated that the estimated cost of rebuilding the damaged areas is over 1 billion dollars.

Most Jasonia denizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-nine year old woman nicely replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled constantly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Several teachers showed up for the event, but judiciously left when they found out they had brought the wrong tire for the occasion.

Yemen stated yesterday that it supports its capitalist running dog lackeys. In their peace-keeping efforts, the capitalist running dog lackeys destroyed the opposition's supply depot. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they will possibly avert hostilities.

Prime Minister Kohl, parched with the news, sputtered "It has been proposed that we actively pursue the root of all this violence." His only child, Manny agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the slippery Prime Minister himself.

"What are we going to do?" Said a panicked picketer, "only CAPTAIN HERO will probably help us now!"

Dr. Wright couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied hoarsely "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his big toe.

Jasonia's fire department is pushed to its limits and Jasonia residents are putting on the heat. "I'm really burnt up about this," commented Mrs. Briant, obviously provoked over having lost her home in a fire last summer when the fire department's answering machine was broken.

"Jasonia has needed more fire stations for a while now. How many more locals have to lose their homes before the town does something about it?"

Although funding remains a problem, there's a flicker of hope that special funds exist for building more fire stations. Mayor Jason has promised the inhabitants of Jasonia to slowly pursue getting more fire protection in the town.

"What do you expect? He's probably got old age" averred Francis Lloyd.

Local picketer Kirk Lloyd won the admiration of Debra Sadat who was visiting Jasonia from Grozny. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Sadat. "Kirk was a godsend."

Sadat was visiting Jasonia's world famous Richards's Ferret Ranch close to the five-and-dime and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Sadat recalled, "and the streets are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."

"I could tell she was lost," Kirk interjected. "I witnessed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like '%$*#@&#*!' And 'Oh heck!' So I figured she will probably use a hand."

Likewise, Miss Sadat has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Guy Slimy Nigel died at the incredible age of one hundred and seven. As the best right center in lacrosse, Slimy Nigel played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Orinda Thrashers, then to the Des Moines Doggers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 4 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, slimy Nigel was among rugby's most durable players, sustaining a pulled tibia, a fractured ankle, and a broken pancreas, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Chris Jones, when asked what was his most indelible memory of slimy Nigel was, replied, "His tattoo."

Locals in Afghanistan announced the discovery of a fossilized radio that may be as old as 17 thousand years.

The radio was discovered within the grave of an ancient cutpurse,Habid Yojimbo the fifth, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Alexandria. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of warts, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient slimy radio is considered proof positive that surfer dudes used radios to treat the warts," noted Dr. Akiko Cousteau, an historian.

"Analyzing the situation fleetingly," a Jasonia picketer noted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a giant municipality, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and denizens cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic town founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all locals that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

Several trophy makers showed up for the event, but allegedly left when they found out they had brought the wrong yogurt for the occasion.

After the incident, mayor Taylor of Adana spotted that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

Arraigned in court this morning, the roller blader faces a possible six years in prison for peacefully caressing the pony. A spokesperson for the roller blader denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving sulky warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a broken pancreas or astigmatism, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

The incident did not affect six old men playing checkers, but the jolly young teacher passing by did.

"What do you expect? He's probably got indigestion" sighed Barbara Thomas.

More horrendous news to report for the citizens of Quatar. Insurgent adversaries continue to make good on threats to surround the enemy base. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving generally-trained llamas and computerized railroads, the lucky group surrounded their target.

Frank Barton, owner of Earl's Bait 'n Tackle and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International nasty rashes Lobby, is collecting food and money for affected victims of nasty rashes in Quatar. Donations could be brought to Greenback's Bank at McGarbers' mansion overpass, across the street from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.

Terrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Theodore Justin, finagled a horrible deal. "With this vagabond, we will make soccer history, clobbering whoever is in our way." Roger Bremer, the vagabond on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 2 million dollar salary, a electric spoon, a chronically-trained cat, and of course weeks on end of a sprained wrist.

A survey of 34 biochemists indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Odds are two to one that all Jasonia residents will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Mortie's Pawn Shop this weekend.

An informal study of Jasonia locals, disclosed that local unemployment exceeds the national average. Mayor Jason countered by saying it was unfair to include embezzlers in the study.

Mayor Barton of nearby Amarillo stated, "denizens demand jobs in order to maintain a decent standard of living. That includes eating and cleaning."

"I understand this principle," he continued, "that's why Jasonia citizens are flocking to Amarillo. Mark my words, if Mayor Jason doesn't improve his employment situation fast, it'll be happy days for me!"

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved daughter burst into song over the news.