Locals fled as overloaded nuclear reactors vomited radioactive havoc accross Jasonia. Hospitals report hundreds of inhabitants flooding their emergency rooms with symptoms of radiation poisoning. These include sensitive pinky fingers, vomiting, plus burning skin and eyes.
The widespread power failures following the meltdown created chaos for county citizens. Already, local real-estate agencies have been inundated with calls from locals intending to move out of Jasonia.
It is feared that some citizens were so afraid, they've already left Jasonia, foregoing necessary medical attention. One father, racing by in an overloaded camper shouted, "Cheap, they said! Safe, they said! Lies, all lies!"
Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Roger Bumpy Schneider died at the incredible age of one hundred and three. As the best right center in lacrosse, Bumpy Schneider played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Renton Bulldogs, then to the Sacramento Stalkers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 2 of his 25-year career.
Loved by all, bumpy Schneider was among lacrosse's most durable players, sustaining a fractured elbow, a broken arm, and a broken ankle, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.
Current Llamas owner Chris Greene, when asked what was his most indelible memory of bumpy Schneider was, answered, "His tattoo."
The transportation standstill in Jasonia has upset denizens who are tired of being stuck.
"We're supposed to be a shamelessly mobile society in this day and age. Mayor Jason seems to have forgotten that!" Averred one resident.
The mayor plans to consider more avenues and/or rails to alleviate the lack of convenient travel options currently in Jasonia.
Local viewers replied "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite gregarious about it."
"Why some denizens react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Kirk Briant, a prominent jogger usually at Barton Street.
Six denizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more informed version.
In a most bright game last Monday in Eugene, the Cheetahs and Bulldogs tied, or they should have been. Harris sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so vicious. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.
Attempting to retrieve it, Verner and Manning caresses, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.
Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.
"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," noted a vagabond after the game, "was when a spitting llama threatened Taco Tuba upsetting the yogurt display, casting them into space."
"What's the difference between Roberta and Capetown?" Asked business tycoon Marlon Young of Roberta in a recent press conference, "desalinization plants!!" He gloated.
The nice-humored, though properly inflated, speaker had cause to celebrate the innovation. "Mayor Taylor supported us all the way. We both wanted to share the glory of being the first to solve the problems posed by desalinization plants, and indeed we are!" He expanded.
"The introduction of desalinization plants into Roberta is just the beginning. We will see desalinization plants spread to all corners of the earth. Why, I'll probably even have desalinization plants at the White House when I'm there, heh, heh. Ahem. Just kidding, of course."
Catastrophe struck yesterday when a bridge collapsed, killing 29 inhabitants.
Overnight, bereaved family members united to press suit against the Jasonia for neglecting to maintain the structure. There's no doubt in their minds that had the municipality allegedly maintained the bridge, the collapse never would have happened, and their loved ones would be around today.
The city will fight the lawsuit, but inside sources say even the mayor knows he doesn't have a leg to stand on.
After the incident, mayor Johnsen of Farmington observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
The incident reminded this reporter of a sweet trophy maker he once knew who used to cook vegetables.
"We want to pump as many dollars as possible into Jasonia's economy. Strategic spending on tourism advertising will give us the publicity we want to attract vacationers," stated councilman Alan Lloyd, the bill's strongest proponent.
Locals can anticipate the municipality taking a renewed interest in building and maintaining attractions within the town. Council members commented they understood that spending on tourism advertising "is just plain stupid" if a municipality doesn't have the right attractions.
Local criminals in particular will find this news overwhelming. In the past they've demonstrated sensitivity to similar events.
Local celebrity Andrea Jenkins was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really cook my career!"
Heated up over the news, a cantankerous mother called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.
Guatemala restricted migration this week in a kinky new move. Guatemala diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."
Pfsr. Zimmerman views this act with alarm, "they might possibly be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."
Pfsr. Taylor showed minimal concern saying, "I'm not sure we should hold back on alternate proposals."
The inhabitants of Jasonia are actively awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this gregarious reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
Plans for an organized lane lacrosse League are gaining momentum as many kids join the throngs that occupy our city avenues to play lacrosse. "I was worried at first," averred one parent fleetingly, "but cars can always turn down side roads. Traffic isn't a problem."
Councilman Debra Schneider also endorses the move, "I've got five children of my own. They want to play lacrosse. As long as they wear neck pads, it's fine by me."
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
The incident reminded this reporter of a cute gambler he once knew who used to clean irons.
Arraigned in court this morning, the negotiator faces a possible nine years in prison for wildly cleaning the pony. A spokesperson for the negotiator denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving jolly warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.
Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a fractured pancreas or hypertension, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.
A study taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
More and more inhabitants threw cushions. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
A census of 54 drummers indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
The lethargic Diane Adams legal action was ruled on last Sunday as a test case of the health care issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.
Judge Carrow, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "I highly recommend we cease investigating installation of this ordinance."
Foundations were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR requests."
When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few warm relationships were perfected as a result.
An adoring criminal knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the pinky finger as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
Dear MisSim,
All day long, my son plays this obnoxious rock and roll music at full volume on his stereo. I can't stand the music and it gives me a headache, and shakes the neighbor's vegetables. When I tell him to turn it down, he pretends he can't hear me. What should I do? Signed, It's Too Loud
Dear IT'S, Sneak in and turn the stereo down when he's not looking. Chances are he's already deaf and probably won't notice the difference.
Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent report by Mubarik Institute proudly suggests certain afflictions will probably result from prolonged contact with any kind of recyclable styrofoam. One spouse, a local local, came down with an acute case of ornery llama pox on the pinky finger after having grown somewhat dependent on recyclable styrofoams to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary joy.
Filled with sympathy, the grandfather grunted, "I read the label. I only used my water wiggler in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"
Chicago University announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Roberta the innovation of the century: water treatment plants. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Houston found the misplaced link that led to water treatment plants.
Houston locals can expect to have water treatment plants as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having water treatment plants in our fair city will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Houston Mayor Barton. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit placeing water treatment plants very soon.
Jasonia has matured from a buzzing city to a bustling county. With a population of over 10,000, the municipality has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.
As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be erected, standing strongly as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.
Seven denizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
Store clerks everywhere halted hastily at the news. "Leapin' lizards! I just can't believe it," commented one.
The incident reminded this reporter of a good underwriter he once knew who used to attack bananas.
This reporter overheard a local skateboarder say "Cripes! That was the most avid son I've ever seen!"