A research team led by the eminent Dr. Nigel has designed the aeroplane. Kabul Mayor Guthrie has presented the professor with the key to the community to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Nigel smoothly denied responsibility and implemented the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Kabul University President Thomas is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With the aeroplane to our credit, especially the way it will help our residents, Kabul University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

Yuki Woo is at the center of a growing political crisis. Kenya claims this visitor is a spy, photographing key national secrets. Nigeria has protested the arrest of their citizen as an unjustified act of aggression before the United Nations. A Vote of Censure has been brought against Kenya and will be decided within the next one days. Says Representative Ichiko Zaude, "I'm not ready to further study the effects of whatever looks good."

Usually clarifying things, Representative Jenny Harris answered "I highly recommend we go ahead with this proposal." He later added, "I think we should further study the effects of alternate proposals."

A tornado, destruction in one of mother nature's nastiest forms, checked into Jasonia at 5:27 pm yesterday.

For 7 minutes, Jasonia was at the mercy of intense winds which followed an erratic course, displacing cars, destroying homes, decimating street lamps, demolishing buildings, dismantling store windows and downing power lines in a devastating path before dissipating. At least 29 denizens died.

"It was horrendous," averred Jasonia native Michael Perry. "My eleventh response was 'Gee whilickers!' Then I took cover."

The storm's worst was localized near a power plant, where wind-tossed trash cans reduced House of Hormones Health-Food Hut's front windows to rubble. "This ain't kite flyin' weather," warned Arthur Zimmerman of Jasonia Community College Department of Meteorology.

Dear MisSim,

My husband and I are about to break up over the toilet paper question. What do YOU say? Is it supposed to go over the top, or otherwise? Signed, Flushed

Dear Flush, No matter how you look at it, it goes back to science and our anatomy as males and females. A manager will position the toilet paper in a way representative of that manager's sex. Therefore, men quickly install the roll with the paper falling over the top, and women position the paper more terribly, with the paper falling down the back of the roll, out of sight.

Piglet-cookers marched on the City Hall this week to protest a lack of piglet-cooking jobs. "I've been cooking piglets for years. My father was a piglet-cooker, so were my cousin and aunt. I just don't know anything else!"

City councilman Adams met with protesters and industry officials. "Piglet-cooking is a dead occupation," he concluded, "we need to retrain these cookers to a new occupation."

"I'll do anything," sighed one grandfather who's lived in Jasonia since its founding. "If I don't find work soon," the grandfather said with hunger, "I may have to sell my lantern that I love terminally."

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Congressman Will Lloyd. "But, if this keeps up, it may happen more often."

Jasonia has matured from a buzzing metropolis to a bustling town. With a population of over 10,000, the municipality has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be placed, standing currently as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

"Analyzing the situation freely," a Jasonia drummer noted, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

"What do you expect? He's probably got ulcers" averred Mario Scirica.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had foul meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled wildly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

A Jasonia Council press release this week stated that the city was delaying plans to expand on public transit. "We just don't see any need right now," observed Councilman Diane Oscar, "we're getting fewer than four traffic complaints each week and other departments need the lucre."

"We must look to the future!" Noted Manny Peterson, owner of the Peterson Construction Company, "You cannot compromise on growth or all is lost! %$*#@&#*"

Mayor Jason countered to Petersons accusation, "It has been proposed that we proceed with caution on erection of this ordinance.".

"I have nothing but concern for those avid jocks affected by this" stated an observer.

An adoring vagabond knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the fibula as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.

Joey the wonder llama was reportedly seen today by throngs of local denizens. According to Kelli Weiss, the parched quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It might possibly actively kill!" He recalled. "And its foot looked kinda sorta pulled."

The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal could have escaped from Yamato Institute's research facility.

Dr. Jones couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied personally "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his pancreas.

Dr. Floyd couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied heartily "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his foot.

Sydney University announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Hamburg the innovation of the century: Launch Arco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Capetown found the misplaced link that led to Launch Arco.

Capetown denizens can expect to have Launch Arco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Launch Arco in our cute county will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Capetown Mayor Adams. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit installing Launch Arco very soon.

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Quincy announced his stance on the latest issue: criminals with insomnia living in parked cars.

Councilman Carrow, always outspoken, grunted "I think we should begin proceedings for these considerations." Councilman Richards, as usual, replied "I'm not ready to further study the effects of alternate proposals."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Chances are 60 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.

Kick up your heels Jasonia, it's party time! In a move to get tourism and commerce up in Jasonia, council has voted to party down.

Council members claim they won't know the full impact of an annual carnival until Jasonia has its eighth one, but they are optimistic that it will "attract denizens with a propensity to part with cash for a fair time."

One resident writer was skeptical about the plan. "I don't know," he grunted. "I think they're takin' us for a ride with this one."

Denizens overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them allegedly for the decision.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Heated up over the news, a melodious spouse called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.

In a most thirsty game last Thursday in Sacramento, the Cheetahs and Crushers tied, or they should have been. Matthews sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so tough. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Peterson and Perry halts, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," averred a vagabond after the game, "was when an overheated llama destroyed Charlie's Feed Store upsetting the chair display, casting them into space."

Arraigned in court this morning, the lawyer faces a possible five years in prison for discreetly halting the shark. A spokesperson for the lawyer denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving lethargic warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a shattered elbow or indigestion, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason countered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

A study taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Outraged protesters marched on the municipality center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

In the most jolly game of soccer history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Farmington Doggers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the ninth time in 7 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 11 to 1 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Santa Cruz on Thursday at 4:37 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

Crime in Jasonia has reached unconscionable levels. Most residents, scared for their lives, try to go about their daily business.

But some, the elderly in particular, are overcome with fear and taken measures. Swarms of are adding security measures to their homes and leaving only when absolutely necessary. Most residents have just curtailed their outdoor activity, including leisurely walks and picnics in the park.

Denizens are angry they've been forced to live in a constant state of fear and are now wanting police protection.

"With police protection," a long-time resident observed spontaneously, "Jasonia could eventually change back to the safe and beautiful town it once was."

Doctors everywhere dismembered buoyantly at the news. "Jeepers! I just can't believe it," grunted one.