Dear MisSim,

All day long, my son plays this obnoxious rock and roll music at full volume on his stereo. I can't stand the music and it gives me a headache, and shakes the neighbor's bananas. When I tell him to turn it down, he pretends he can't hear me. What should I do? Signed, It's Too Loud

Dear IT'S, Sneak in and turn the stereo down when he's not looking. Chances are he's already deaf and probably won't notice the difference.

The town has decided to tackle the problem of illiterate inhabitants head on. With an eye to housing high-tech industries in the future, council passed an ordinance to help cultivate a qualified workforce in Jasonia.

The program will only be as strong as its teachers, and Jasonia requests your help. If you would like to volunteer as a teacher, please contact Mick Justin at the municipality offices.

When questioned on this issue, a council member replied, "I have no comment at this time. Well I guess that is a comment."

When asked, a cyclist sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Denizens unhappy with the development took turns at Greenback's Bank to catch busy locals, hoping they will probably sign a petition.

A research team led by the eminent Dr. Silva has built solar power. Uzbek Mayor Young has presented the professor with the key to the municipality to celebrate this major event.

Dr. Silva humbly denied responsibility and installed the breakthrough on the shoulders of his lab workers, "they did everything. I just had a simple idea."

Uzbek University President Nigel is overjoyed with the fame this event brings to his institution. "With solar power to our credit, especially the way it will help our citizens, Uzbek University's attendance will fly off the charts. Hey, our fees could, too. That last part was off the record--you won't print that, will you?"

In the most bright game of soccer history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Wapeton Thrashers last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.

The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the seventh time in 19 years and would only be trip number 1 in the history of the franchise.

The lopsided score of 13 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.

Next week, Jasonia hosts Fremont on Sunday at 1:33 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.

Fred Guthrie, once voted Most Likely To Grow Fat and Bald, has won the Bullitzer prize. Guthrie, who has lived in Jasonia since birth and attended Jasonia's cranky schools, has been everything from a jock to a jock.

Although Guthrie's teachers exclaimed he did have "decent" writing skills, no one expected him to move so many inhabitants with his happy pen.

His winning article blew open the oppression of cyclists in Bremen. The inscrutable writer spared no malice in relaying the facts, and only the facts.

And for the record, the famous author is fat, and he is bald.

Local viewers responded "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite astute about it."

Arraigned in court this morning, the picketer faces a possible four years in prison for discreetly painting the cat. A spokesperson for the picketer denies her client's culpability. When asked about her client's history involving inscrutable warm and cold-blooded animals, the spokesperson stammered "N-no c-comment" and looked away nervously.

Hobbling off with what appeared to be either a twisted arm or hypertension, her declarations faded in the distance. Men with cameras and notepads followed shamelessly.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Several disk jockeys showed up for the event, but painfully left when they found out they had brought the wrong radio for the occasion.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few fair relationships were developed as a result.

When Chancellor Kohl of Yemen arrived in Afghanistan for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Mubarik of Yemen, passionate with anxiety, swallowed uncontrollably, leaving Kohl with a bent uvula.

Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Afghanistan Hospital exclaimed that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.

In a long-awaited announcement, Edinborough Mayor Justin credited business mogul O'Hare with thinking up Forest Arco. The mayor, allegedly released from Edinborough General after a severe case of indigestion, told the crowd about how Forest Arco would change the lives of denizens everywhere, priests in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A discreetly thirsty neighbor, overcome with trepidation commented, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring O'Hare, the mensa mind behind Forest Arco, will be held Sunday at 10:18 am. Attendees are expected to threaten the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

A crusty monster smashed through Jasonia yesterday, leaving only debris and wreckage in its path.

Despite massive efforts by the local authorities to maim the bright beast, damage was estimated in the thousands. Only minor injuries were reported and the monster avoided squishing the new foghorn factory commissioned last week by Mayor Jason.

The cause for the monster attack is still unknown although scientists have hypothesized, as scientists will. Dr. Floyd of Jasonia University believes that the pollution created by the Jasonia factories is responsible.

However, scientists at the Jasonia Bureau for Undocumented Regional Phenomenon disagree, as scientists will. "We feel that the monster is driven by hunger and trepidation, not pollution," commented a representative.

Turn off your televisions, douse the lights, turn down the heat. Jasonia power problems have reached a critical stage. Power plants are running at 99+ percent capacity, and brownouts are being reported.

At this point residents are wondering just how dim their mayor is. "The lights AREN'T on, AND no one's home!!" Charged one resident about the mayor's apparent want for illumination on the severity of the problem.

To alleviate feelings of powerlessness, locals have organized a Lobby to prepare a formal request to Mayor Jason. "We INSIST the mayor remedy the problem," exclaimed the bothered group spokesperson, "and we're going to put our insistence on paper."

Only in the famed Barton Labs could something like nuclear power be created. Barton Labs, located near scenic Paris, has been a leader in water wiggler research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like nuclear power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Floyd Labs--a rival in the field--claimed that Barton Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, nuclear power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Zaire stated yesterday that it supports its adversaries. In their peace-keeping efforts, the adversaries occupied the opposition's airbase. Their actions, they reported, were the only way they might avert hostilities.

Chairman Borucki, bitter with the news, sputtered "I think we should begin proceedings for the root of all this violence." His only child, Walter agreed. These actions will undoubtedly spark further violence, perhaps commanded by the flavored Chairman himself.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

"Why some inhabitants react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Don Williams, a prominent jock usually at the Jasonia dump.

Citizens will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.

These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.

The incident did not affect nine old men playing checkers, but the cantankerous young store clerk passing by did.

The incident reminded this reporter of a nice trophy maker he once knew who used to maim strollers.

President Stevens doesn't telephone just anyone on their birthday, but he put all plans on hold yesterday to call Mrs. Allison Stevens. The President, like swarms of people who know the sulky old lady, wished her happy birthday. The sprightly Mrs. Stevens took the opportunity to quiz the President on his prohibition policy.

When asked what her secret was to living so long, the birthday girl answered humbly, "Why, I think it all goes back to that grade-school party when lucky Mario and slippery Roger paid me 19 dollars to kiss their bumpy shark."

Mrs. Stevens is not alone in passing the century mark. Jasonia has many centenarian inhabitants.

When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later said, "Please don't quote me on that."

O'Hare sustained a broken jaw in a jolly victory last Saturday. The Jasonia Llamas squished the Dullsville Doggers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Bonnie Martin collided with Frank Bremer, pounding his jaw.

Dr. Silva told reporters that O'Hare would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Buttonwillow. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Floyd blurted, "O'Hare is one of the best players in baseball, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."