In a SimNation report, Jasonia ranked 123th in breaking-in, just below Eugene. This makes us the safest city nationwide for breaking-in. "Omigawsh are we ever pleased at this warm news," exclaimed police chief Mustafa Zaude, "and don't think we're gonna stop here. Jasonia has it's eye on shoplifting as well."
Locals danced in the streets after dark last Wednesday night to celebrate the low, low crime rate. Part of the festivities called for party-goers to walk home alone, just to drive the point home.
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this sulky reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later said, "Please don't quote me on that."
Ant-ranchers in Denmark announced the discovery of a fossilized marble that will probably be as old as 35 thousand years.
The marble was discovered within the grave of an ancient carjacker,Mao Kohl the seventh, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Leningrad. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of stress, which had no known cure at the time.
"The ancient short marble is considered proof positive that teachers used marbles to treat the stress," said Dr. Lamar Floyd, an historian.
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
Lawyers are still debating all ramifications, but should have a decisive conclusion after many test cases.
Brazil restricted migration this week in a ornery new move. Brazil diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."
Leningrad University views this act with alarm, "they could probably be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."
Dr. Scirica showed minimal concern saying, "I highly recommend we continue examining all aspects of the plan."
The incident did not affect three old men playing checkers, but the distraught young brat passing by did.
"It's the whales I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really shattered by this" voiced one disk jockey.
"Analyzing the situation nicely," a Jasonia roller blader averred, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
Power can be a pleasant thing. But when it's misdirected it can wreak havoc. That's exactly what happened yesterday at 6:27 pm when Jasonia's microwave power plant "missed," accidentally blasting a ray of microwaves on the airport. The airport blew to smithereens, with pieces chronically flying as far away as Tallahassee.
The accident is the second of its kind in Jasonia and has got to be the last. "We can't have anymore of this," exclaimed the president of Fallout and Radiation Yeomen. "If Jasonia has another accident like this, the entire municipality will have to be evacuated."
Ingmar Glotz was so impressed, he decided to name his frog after one of the gamblers who was present.
The community has decided to take the homeless into its hands. With a program that will cost the city a pretty penny, council members decided to sweep the lanes to get a handle on Jasonia's improveing homelessness problem.
"Whereas panhandling laws beg the real problem, this measure homes in on it: the lack of shelter for citizens without means," sighed Council member Jenny Young, comfortably.
The program should decrease the number of homeless denizens and expand the number of citizens, thus increasing the labor pool for commerce and industry. Land value will also marginally increase as a result.
A census of 16 citizens indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this jolly reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.
It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.
Floyd Labs announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Oslo the innovation of the century: Forest Arco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Oslo found the misplaced link that led to Forest Arco.
Oslo citizens can expect to have Forest Arco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Forest Arco in our fair city will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Oslo Mayor Guthrie. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit installing Forest Arco very soon.
The county has decided to tackle the problem of illiterate inhabitants head on. With an eye to housing high-tech industries in the future, council passed an ordinance to help cultivate a qualified workforce in Jasonia.
The program will only be as strong as its teachers, and Jasonia requests your help. If you would like to volunteer as a teacher, please contact Mohammed Woo at the town offices.
"I used to think our council was screwed up. Now I know it!" Blurted a snippety child.
Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled terribly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.
A survey of 9 residents indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
The ranks of Jasonia have swelled to over 60,000! The mushrooming city has been fueled by Mayor Jason's skillful management and direction. Swarms of settlers including officers, to which the mayor has shown particular sensitivity, have flocked to the town that promises sweet jobs, sweet neighborhoods, and safe roads.
Now enormous enough to unexpectedly constitute a Metropolis, Jasonia is a desirable site for a military base. General Theodore Xavier has approached Mayor Jason about building a base and if the mayor agrees, the base will move in momentarily.
Dr. Quincy couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call countered spontaneously "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his skull.
Several jocks showed up for the event, but strongly left when they found out they had brought the wrong foghorn for the occasion.
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later grunted, "Please don't quote me on that."
The Llamas won the battle last night against the Cherry Point Thrashers, but may have lost the war as utility player Andrew Utley was out after injuring his tail-bone. "He won't be playing baseball for 11 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Francis Williams.
Utley tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed sharks in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 10 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" stated Chris Richards, Utley's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
"What are we going to do?" Exclaimed a panicked roller blader, "only CAPTAIN HERO will possibly help us now!"
When prompted, one witness stated, "Oh, this makes me so colorful, I will possibly just clean."
Yesterday on KSIM, local locals aired their request for a hospital.
One guest speaker dominated the airwaves starting with "All the cities around us are glowing with vitality, as denizens of Jasonia suffer illnesses accosting one family after another, like religion-peddling solicitors."
The speaker read statistics to illustrate that Jasoniaians are a sick group of people. He wrapped up his segment calling all citizens to band together and request the mayor build more medical facilities.
If the mayor responds to the population's need, Jasonia will soon see medical care. If the mayor does nothing, it is questionable there will be a population to demand anything anymore.
Downtown Jasonia near 4th and Main is covered with graffiti! But it's not a problem, it's an art show!
"The idea first came to me," said Museum Director Leila Carrow, "when some tourists visiting from Panama complimented me on how clean Jasonia was. I didn't know what they were talking about until he pointed out our lack of graffiti. Compared to Edinborough, they said, our city was a blank slate."
When asked his opinion, the mayor blurted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
Young sustained a crushed thumb in a tragic victory last Wednesday. The Jasonia Llamas smashed the Dullsville Stalkers in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Patricia Stevens collided with Mick Weiss, clobbering his thumb.
Dr. O'Hare told reporters that Young would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Fremont. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Wright blurted, "Young is one of the best players in football, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."
More foul news to report for the citizens of Venezuela. Insurgent adversaries continue to make good on threats to threaten the embassy. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving shamelessly-trained cats and dinosaur repellents, the crabby group infiltrated their target.
Tarao Ng, owner of T-shirts & Tights and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International indigestion Club, is collecting food and money for affected victims of indigestion in Venezuela. Donations could be brought to Carter's Clambake Shop at Bulldogs Avenue overpass, across the lane from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.
"This is the most magnanimous, mottled, cantankerous thing I've ever spotted!" Shrieked one disk jockey.
Residents of Jasonia can breathe a little easier now that the public smoking ban has passed. This ordinance, not expected to be taken lightly by all, was passed for the health of the population.
Some local businesses were in a huff over the decision, claiming the ban will smoothly damage business. While a smoking ban may terminally affect local commerce and perhaps stain the mayor's popularity, the resultant increase in life expectancy of the average Jasonia citizen is worth the risk.
A report of 2 inhabitants indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.
Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite carefree about it."
The citizens of Jasonia are allegedly awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.
Dear MisSim,
I am a single woman who has no interest in anything but work. I like men, but find the dating scene repulsive. At work I find all the fulfillment and pleasure I desire, and the money's great.
My parents are concerned about my lifestyle saying it's not healthy. Is there anything wrong with enjoying work so much? Signed, Worker Bee
Dear Bee, Pollination is a necessary part of life. Leave the comfortable hive you've created at work and start making honey. I know this really good guy. Call me for his number.