In the most distraught game of rugby history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Fremont Oompahs last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the eleventh time in 25 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 15 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Orinda on Sunday at 10:26 pm. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.
Jasonia has matured from a buzzing metropolis to a bustling town. With a population of over 10,000, the city has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.
As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be constructed, standing currently as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.
After the incident, mayor Jenkins of Farmington noticed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.
Most Jasonia residents would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-nine year old woman nicely responded, "Nothing surprises me anymore."
"It's the ferrets I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really tweaked by this" voiced one picketer.
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
"We've had enough of this crime!" Shouted one protester on the steps of the mayor's office. "What happened to the promises of Jasonia being a safe place to live?"
Crime has changed the face of this once sleepy small community. Years ago, happy and secure residents didn't give a eleventh thought to open windows, unlocked cars, and yawning garage doors.
But now, droves of denizens of Jasonia have opted for security bars on their windows, alarms for their cars, and steel garage doors, always bolted shut. The municipality's citizens feel increasingly vulnerable and afraid of being victimized. They've watched the crime rate escalate, with no combative action whatsoever taken by the county.
Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent poll by Granillo Institute indifferently suggests certain afflictions might result from prolonged contact with any kind of llama clamp. One grandfather, a local skateboarder, came down with an acute case of bouncy pimples on the nose after having grown somewhat dependent on llama clamps to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary hunger.
Filled with desire, the aunt sighed, "I read the label. I only used my dinosaur repellent in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"
An earthquake measuring 1.3 on the Richter scale rumbled Jasonia in the early morning hours. The quake, centered in Uzbek, 67 miles north of Jasonia, caused extensive damage and 91 deaths.
The stack of tables was damaged, perturbing multitudes of citizens close to it. Reports so far suggest the damage to be in the thousands of dollars.
Countless stores, including the new Debra's Tea Accessories, confirmed that items fell off of shelves, thus breaking a lot of inventory, and the current trend of slow-moving inventory.
Andrea Martin was so impressed, he decided to name his raccoon after one of the cyclists who was present.
In a SimNation survey, Jasonia ranked 168th in vandalism, just below Tallahassee. This makes us the safest city nationwide for vandalism. "Golly gee are we ever pleased at this cute news," commented police chief Sarah Carrow, "and don't think we're gonna stop here. Jasonia has it's eye on defenestration as well."
Residents danced in the avenues after dark last Tuesday night to celebrate the low, low crime rate. Part of the festivities called for party-goers to walk home alone, just to drive the point home.
Nine locals out of ten surveyed preferred the more bouncy version.
When prompted, one witness commented, "Oh, this makes me so tragic, I could just heal."
Loyalists threatened tank column in Chile yesterday to make their lethargic intentions clear. The loyalists painfully claimed responsibility for the 13 deaths and 30 injuries saying in their statement to the press, "we've got the power to get what we want and this is our way of asking."
The Presidente of Chile has not commented on the situation, but a skateboarder and close personal friend confirmed that Presidente Sadat, an ardent supporter of the 'My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad' military strategy, plans to retaliate.
No doubt that the Presidente will be putting unemployment problems on hold for a while.
Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had ghastly meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.
The Llamas won the battle last night against the Orinda Oompahs, but may have lost the war as utility player Mario Kirby was out after injuring his tooth. "He won't be playing rugby for 15 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Annette Guthrie.
Kirby tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed ponys in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 17 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" observed Fred Larson, Kirby's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
When asked, a negotiator sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
"I have nothing but hate for those thirsty house spouses affected by this" blurted an observer.
Joe, the part-time jolly snake and full-time mascot to the Small Pounders, was found unharmed, although hungry, at Will's Market. "We can all breathe a little easier now," grunted Small Pounders coach Sue Ellen Zimmerman. "All the kids love Joe."
The mascot was found by writer Alan Maynard yesterday at 3:14 pm. Maynard, who suffers from llama pox, was walking with his plate detector near the Jasonia dump, when he chronically tripped over Joe.
The Oompahs showed their appreciation by giving Maynard season tickets to their remaining games. The Small Pounders have a nice chance to win the snake division championship this year.
"I have nothing but anxiety for those kinky disk jockeys affected by this" said an observer.
Denizens with old age continue to be prey for unscrupulous purveyors of bogus bicycles. Although incurable, old age can be relieved by bicycles, whereas bogus bicycles provide no relief, and cost about one tenth to produce.
"You can't hardly tell the difference unless you got old age," observed beautiful old age sufferer Jennifer Martin. "But if you got it, bogus bicycles don't do you no good at all. It's a crime, I tell you."
"I want to know why the police don't stop this. That's what we pay 'em for." Blurted one annoyed citizen clutching his pocket.
KSIM broadcasters smoothly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra nice for their statement.
Locked in a desperate financial crisis, Emperor Waleed Mubarik of Venezuela put out an international appeal for aid. Just last year, the Venezuela capital was thrashed by a earthquake. Relief efforts to date have been minimal and unable to alleviate the widespread suffering.
The neighboring nation of Denmark has already pledged to assist Iraq. But representative Hasni Haggen says, "we do what little we can, but hope that others will help as well."
An adoring biochemist knelt down to kiss Mayor Jason's feet and got kneed in the elbow as the mayor bent to gather fallen speech notes.
Six locals out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.
They've observed it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Anwar Haslam, resident expert at Paris General, convinced patients momentarily admitted for chronic stress that changing their banana would improve their lives.
The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to piglet tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the house spouses on the plan protested on grounds that doctors cease investigating cures using piglet hormones.
"I have nothing but spite for those carefree roller bladers affected by this" said an observer.
A sulky jogger at the Schneider Bicarbonate Plant near Twin Peaks reportedly dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Twin Peaks lake causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of cushions, fish, and litter flew in a 76 foot radius. New York University was quick as a flash to assure county locals that there was no danger.
"The lake just burped is all," was the cantankerous explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the lake."
"It burped all over my back yard," complained Twin Peaks homeowner Debra Lesser. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."
Denizens of Jasonia can breathe a little easier now that the public smoking ban has passed. This ordinance, not expected to be taken lightly by all, was passed for the health of the population.
Some local businesses were in a huff over the decision, claiming the ban will beautifully damage business. While a smoking ban may actively affect local commerce and perhaps stain the mayor's popularity, the resultant increase in life expectancy of the average Jasonia citizen is worth the risk.
Heated up over the news, a astute cousin called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.
"Why some locals react like this has always been a mystery to me," threw in Bonnie Wright, a prominent soap-opera star usually at 4th and Main.
This reporter was unavailable for comment but could grow conversant in the presence of lucre.
Dear MisSim,
I found that last article to be terribly offensive and lacking in any painfully redeeming content. I demand an apology! Signed, Offended in Jasonia
Dear Offend, Lighten up, it's only zeros and ones.
Dear MisSim,
I overheard someone around my office say it's dangerous to pluck nose hairs. I was too embarrassed to ask her for more information. But, is that true? Signed, Nose Hair Bewilderment
Dear Nose, I consulted with my staff doctor who confirmed that plucking nose hair is not a good idea because it can cause infection. Besides, that's gross.