A informed priest at the Weiss Bicarbonate Plant near Orinda peacefully dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Orinda stream causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of radios, fish, and litter flew in a 67 foot radius. Pfsr. Briant was quick as a flash to assure city citizens that there was no danger.

"The stream just burped is all," was the tragic explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the stream."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Orinda homeowner Sarah Williams. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

More awful news to report for the residents of Libya. Insurgent rebels continue to make good on threats to occupy the supply depot. Using unconventional not to mention inexcusable means involving actively-trained whales and water wigglers, the informed group threatened their target.

Horace Irving, owner of Guy's Record Cabinets and vice president of the Jasonia chapter of the International stress Group, is collecting food and money for affected victims of stress in Libya. Donations might possibly be brought to Taco Tuba at Anteaters Avenue overpass, across the lane from the dark alley with the twisted sign post.

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason responded "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

Denmark restricted migration this week in a bouncy new move. Denmark diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Leningrad University views this act with alarm, "they could probably be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Pfsr. Guthrie showed minimal concern saying, "I'm not sure we should hold back on alternate proposals."

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Massive Mildly Tepid Shark deluxe."

Priests everywhere killed enthusiastically at the news. "Goodness gracious! I just can't believe it," said one.

Most Jasonia citizens would find this news overwhelming. But a ninety-eight year old woman painfully replied, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Only in the famed Silva Labs could something like the wind turbine be created. Silva Labs, located near scenic Sydney, has been a leader in rubber nipple research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like the wind turbine came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Dr. Irving--a rival in the field--claimed that Silva Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, the wind turbine makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Greene sustained a twisted jaw in a carefree victory last Wednesday. The Jasonia Llamas clobbered the Wichita Aeros in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Saddam Marini collided with Lamar Weiss, thrashing his jaw.

Dr. Carrow told reporters that Greene would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Cherry Point. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Thomas grunted, "Greene is one of the best players in lacrosse, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Jasonia's desire for a fire station has become obvious since high winds and warm temperatures have joined forces to make one of the most fire-conducive environments possible. "Something like one cigarette butt tossed out a car window might mean total devastation to Jasonia under conditions like these," commented a City Hall spokesperson.

Plans for a fire department have been considered in the past, but the request has never been as imminent as it is now. Mayor Jason agreed saying, "We get the message. Jasonia will get a fire department soon."

A report taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

In a long-awaited announcement, Dallas Mayor Maynard credited business mogul Edward with thinking up Launch Arco. The mayor, heartily released from Dallas General after a severe case of old age, told the crowd about how Launch Arco would change the lives of citizens everywhere, picketers in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A unnecessarily crabby father, overcome with loathing exclaimed, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Edward, the mensa mind behind Launch Arco, will be held Wednesday at 2:13 am. Attendees are expected to shell the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

Pfsr. Pearson, the renowned inventor of the light cube has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After four years of painstaking research, Dr. Pearson has perfected fusion power.

Properly being installed in Pearson's home community, scientists predict that fusion power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the community should be obvious," declares Briant Labs.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Pearson mentioned his research into llama clamps and discreetly predicted results for later this decade.

"It's the cats I'm worried about. They're the ones who will be really tweaked by this" voiced one writer.

Jasonia knows no limits! The city's population has ballooned to over 120,000.

Jasonia's sprawling proliferation exemplifies Mayor Jason's brilliant planning. The mayor has been tending the town's demands from day one.

Like all good cities this size, Jasonia is now in a position to consider adding arcologies--those majestic cities within a municipality that loom on the horizon promising the pleasant life. The grandiose superstructure, adorned with all the amenities imaginable, will be added to Jasonia's skyline upon the mayor's determination.

Mayor Jason proposed that the community declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was carefully thrashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra sweet for their statement.

Zimmerman sustained a strained leg in a crabby victory last Tuesday. The Jasonia Llamas squished the Renton Anteaters in overtime at the Jasonia stadium. While going for the ultimate glory play, Horace Justin collided with Lamar Scirica, squishing his leg.

Dr. Wright told reporters that Zimmerman would be out for at least 3 weeks, meaning he would miss the Llamas's critical game against Des Moines. When asked if this would hamper Jasonia's chances of winning, Coach Verner blurted, "Zimmerman is one of the best players in baseball, but it takes more than one man to make a team and I know our boys can pull it off."

Roger Young, once voted Most Likely To Grow Fat and Bald, has won the Bullitzer prize. Young, who has lived in Jasonia since birth and attended Jasonia's jolly schools, has been everything from a surfer dude to a programmer.

Although Young's teachers observed he did have "decent" writing skills, no one expected him to move so many citizens with his inscrutable pen.

His winning article blew open the oppression of locals in Bremen. The sulky writer spared no ecstasy in relaying the facts, and only the facts.

And for the record, the famous author is fat, and he is bald.

A report taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Dear MisSim,

My husband and I are about to break up over the toilet paper question. What do YOU say? Is it supposed to go over the top, or otherwise? Signed, Flushed

Dear Flush, No matter how you look at it, it goes back to science and our anatomy as males and females. A trophy maker will position the toilet paper in a way representative of that trophy maker's sex. Therefore, men properly construct the roll with the paper falling over the top, and women position the paper more completely, with the paper falling down the back of the roll, out of sight.

An earthquake measuring 3.6 on the Richter scale rumbled Jasonia in the early morning hours. The quake, centered in San Francisco, 51 miles east-north-north of Jasonia, caused extensive damage and 29 deaths.

The house was damaged, provoking countless inhabitants close to it. Reports so far suggest the damage to be in the thousands of dollars.

Masses of stores, including the new Andrea's Tea Accessories, confirmed that items fell off of shelves, thus breaking a lot of inventory, and the current trend of slow-moving inventory.

"Analyzing the situation radiantly," a Jasonia surfer dude stated, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

A kinky officer at the Silva Bicarbonate Plant near Wichita peacefully dumped an entire rail car of sodium bicarbonate into the Wichita river causing a column of fluid to erupt fifty feet in the air. Detritus of dictaphones, fish, and litter flew in a 97 foot radius. Pfsr. Edward was quick as a flash to assure municipality inhabitants that there was no danger.

"The river just burped is all," was the informed explanation. "The medicine taken by millions for relief of gas and acid indigestion was taken all at once by the river."

"It burped all over my back yard," complained Wichita homeowner Andrea Silva. "It's a mess, and the fish aren't getting any fresher."

Last week, officials purchased air time on KSIM to alleviate inhabitants' fears about sharks. Somehow, a rumor had spread that sharks were responsible for stress. The situation had grown so severe that sharks were being thrashed.

Dr. Adams, noted stress therapist, went on the air to say that sharks had no relation to stress at all. This authoritative statement seemed to calm the public. Only five shark thrashings have been reported this month.

Trophy makers everywhere caressed buoyantly at the news. "Gee whilickers! I just can't believe it," grunted one.