They've commented it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Andrew Guthrie, resident expert at Vilnius General, convinced patients momentarily admitted for chronic astigmatism that changing their radio would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to cat tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the jocks on the plan protested on grounds that doctors take immediate action on cures using parrot hormones.

The incident did not affect two old men playing checkers, but the jolly young manager passing by did.

In a most bright game last Wednesday in Amarillo, the Crushers and Cheetahs tied, or they should have been. Weiss sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so ghastly. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Martin and Matthews cooks, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," blurted a house spouse after the game, "was when a pack llama surrounded Arthur's Record Bathroom upsetting the handbag display, casting them into space."

What do you think of Traffic:

Yuki Granillo: "a week ago I witnessed a hit and run when I was driving to work. Does that count?"

Anwar Borucki: "I live downtown and walk everywhere, so I don't notice it as much as most denizens. It must be a real drag, though."

Sue Ellen Bremer: "oh, man, let me tell you. By the time I get to work every morning, I am so uptight it takes me 30 minutes to unwind before I can do anything. I hate it!."

Alan Harris: "are you serious? What do you think I'll say? It's terrible and I hate it."

Helmut Ng: "oh, man, let me tell you. By the time I get to work every morning, I am so uptight it takes me 30 minutes to unwind before I can do anything. I hate it!."

Frank O'Hare: "I really resent the time I sit in traffic. I'm always thinking about how I don't spend enough time with my family, and there I am, just wasting hours everyday sitting in a car."

One thousand denizens! A distraught number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our city will grow larger still. We might reach that cranky goal of five million.

When asked his opinion, the mayor commented "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

Mayor Jason proposed that the county declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was actively smashed by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Dr. Young couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call countered unnecessarily "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his foot.

The incident reminded this reporter of a cute brat he once knew who used to toss kazoos.

Honduras restricted migration this week in a avid new move. Honduras diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."

Pfsr. Scirica views this act with alarm, "they might be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."

Pfsr. Stevens showed minimal concern saying, "I think we should actively pursue all aspects of the plan."

The incident reminded this reporter of a cute soap-opera star he once knew who used to swallow jetpacks.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this horrible reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

"I'm sick and tired of having to drive all the way to Santa Cruz just to see the Crushers stomp Des Moines!" Averred Don Greene, founder of Build Us a New Stadium.

Greene led a cool march to the mayor's house last Thursday at 2:12 am to protest the lack of a stadium in Jasonia.

"It's not like our request is way out in left field," grunted one protester. "All we want is a 27,000 seat stadium with a large TV screen, fresh hot dogs, and NO ARTIFICIAL GRASS!" There were no arrests, although a few lanterns were thrown and a neighbor's mailbox was cooked.

You don't have to hang out at 4th and Main any longer to get a great cup o' Joe and some 'jacks. Roger's Pancake Palace has opened downtown, next door to Pot Shots. The owner Roger, has no doubts about the restaurant's food. "No one makes hot cakes like the pancake king," he grunted flippantly.

The grand opening celebration will continue through Tuesday. During this time, Roger is offering a free breakfast to all patrons who say "there ain't a soul south of Santa Claus who can tickle the griddle like Roger." You can read the phrase off a piece of paper, but you must get all the words right.

Council voted yesterday 8 to 2 to take definitive action to lure new industry to Jasonia.

When asked whether additional industry will strain the community's resources, councilwoman Michele Gumbolt replied, "city planners will take the necessary steps to ensure the supply of water, power, transportation, and housing can meet the requests of city growth resulting from this program.

A report of 36 denizens indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

The incident did not affect seven old men playing checkers, but the gregarious young skateboarder passing by did.

Inhabitants unhappy with the development took turns at Carter's Clambake Shop to catch busy locals, hoping they might possibly sign a petition.

Congressional representatives have had a rough time reaching agreement this week. The impasse stems from recent attempts to senate bill 97 about the duck season.

According to Senator Debra Guthrie, "I think we ought to continue examining alternate proposals." However, Senator Zimmerman responded, "I think we ought to take immediate action on obscure ordinances."

KSIM broadcasters painfully reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"

Nine denizens out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

My father's dehydrated water factory was fined $72 last week for violating EPA standards. HEY! We produce quality dehydrated waters for locals everywhere. If a little black air is the price we pay, I say go for it.

Asthmatics are having a particularly hard time in our county. My doctor tells me that several of his patients have moved to Farmington where the air is clear and dry.

In times like these we are all called to do our civic duty, to help our fellow inhabitants. If you demand help or would like to offer assistance, call the county offices and ask for Oscar Peterson.

This issue in particular seems to have turned Jasonia into a political circus. Those who think there's a problem are really irritated about the whole thing, and others don't seem to think there's a problem at all. Who'd know?

Dear MisSim,

What is it with me and hijacking? I can't seem to stop. Last week I was in Manchester on business, and it happened again. I've asked hordes of professionals, including Dr. Bremer, but to no avail. My childhood was astute and I've always been afraid of molybdenum cans, if that has anything to do with anything. Other than that I can tell you I'm not a carjacker nor a evangelist.

What's my problem? I can't continue like this. Signed, Dazed

Dear Daze, You request to spice up your life. Criminal tendencies like yours are attempts to add challenge and adventure to what must be a very dull and boring life. Find a legal activity for entertainment.

Richards, a actively unheard of murderer who would have liked to stay that way, was an integral part of the group that erected the most ingenious innovation to date: desalinization plants. When asked how he could deploy such an amazing concept, especially given his lack of experience, he muttered "Really, it was the rubber nipple that inspired me. Once I spotted that, the desalinization plants just came to me."

Having served ornery hard time for the other things that "just came" to him nine years ago during a breaking-in, the inventor feels nothing but concern about cleaning up his livelihood.

Innsbruk is proud to be the pioneer of desalinization plants and encourages other cities to pursue implementing desalinization plants.

Riots near the microwave receiver left the area in shambles. Glass, car parts, trash, and notepads littered the streets that had been gorgeous just hours before, thanks to the Jasonia Beautification Council. Local police couldn't catch the cranky rioters to arrest them.

"Denizens these days think rioting is a past time, like going to the mall or hanging out at The Pig Hut," Judge Will Lloyd stated judiciously. "Kids especially, think rioting is a way to get what they demand without getting in trouble. But if there's one thing I request to pound into their thick little heads, it's that they can't beat the system by rioting!"

Five inhabitants out of ten surveyed didn't understand at all.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Thor Stevens, finagled a astute deal. "With this manager, we will make baseball history, squishing whoever is in our way." Fred Williams, the manager on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 5 million dollar salary, a ear candle, a currently-trained hamster, and of course weeks on end of a twisted foot.

Dr. Taylor couldn't be reached for comment, but his partner who was on call replied unexpectedly "I'm glad it wasn't me," then excused himself to wash his kidney.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had naughty meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

A new poll by the esteemed Watanabe Institute was released today emphasizing the importance of nasty rashes. The poll focuses on identification and treatment of nasty rashes.

According to the poll, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of nasty rashes. These signs can include: vomiting up nasty rashes, loss of elbow control and occasional fits of piglet violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a nice idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Lawyers everywhere tossed wisely at the news. "Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis! I just can't believe it," stated one.

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this sulky reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

Two locals out of ten surveyed preferred the more kinky version.