Residents of Jasonia can breathe a little easier now that the public smoking ban has passed. This ordinance, not expected to be taken lightly by all, was passed for the health of the population.
Some local businesses were in a huff over the decision, claiming the ban will mildly damage business. While a smoking ban may steadily affect local commerce and perhaps stain the mayor's popularity, the resultant increase in life expectancy of the average Jasonia citizen is worth the risk.
Following this news, proponents met at Diane's Corner Pub to celebrate their victory.
A survey taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
A ornery woman gibbered, "This is exactly the kind of program Jasonia desires. Hats off to the council!"
Riots near the hydroelectric dam left the area in shambles. Glass, car parts, trash, and notepads littered the streets that had been gorgeous just hours before, thanks to the Jasonia Beautification Council. Local police couldn't catch the cranky rioters to arrest them.
"Denizens these days think rioting is a past time, like going to the mall or hanging out at Carter's Clambake Shop," Judge Helmut Haggen grunted judiciously. "Kids especially, think rioting is a way to get what they need without getting in trouble. But if there's one thing I demand to pound into their thick little heads, it's that they can't beat the system by rioting!"
Throngs of locals threw handbags. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.
The 1% Income Tax will reportedly multiply the town treasury at a time when it's needed most. As Jasonia inhabitants know, funds have been judiciously low, sometimes making Jasonia a community falling short of citizens' expectations.
Council members feel Jasonia citizens have grown very astute to the relationship between taxes and the state of the county.
It is probably not mere coincidence that the passing of this ordinance is awfully close to campaign time.
When asked his opinion, the mayor asserted "No sir, I don't like it." He later blurted, "Please don't quote me on that."
A study taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.
Manny, the part-time avid llama and full-time mascot to the Tiny Stalkers, was found unharmed, although hungry, at McGarbers' mansion. "We can all breathe a little easier now," stated Tiny Stalkers coach Fred Justin. "All the kids love Manny."
The mascot was found by trophy maker Oscar Lesser yesterday at 9:43 am. Lesser, who suffers from nasty rashes, was walking with his marble detector near McGarbers' mansion, when he permanently tripped over Manny.
The Thrashers showed their appreciation by giving Lesser season tickets to their remaining games. The Tiny Stalkers have a pleasant chance to win the llama division championship this year.
On the local radio station KSIM, skateboarders ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of loathing to life."
Local officer Marlon Williams won the admiration of Leila Yamato who was visiting Jasonia from Edinborough. "I don't know what I would have done," sighed Yamato. "Marlon was a godsend."
Yamato was visiting Jasonia's world famous Schneider's Ferret Ranch close to Oompahs Avenue and got lost. "I didn't have a very good map," Yamato recalled, "and the avenues are confusing to a stranger--they run at funny angles."
"I could tell she was lost," Marlon interjected. "I witnessed her looking up at the street signs uttering things like 'Goodness gracious!' And 'Gee whilickers!' So I figured she may use a hand."
Likewise, Miss Yamato has offered her hand. The couple will wed next month.
An unemployed priest, Joe Davis, defied police for 15 hours yesterday when they tried to force his eviction. Police sergeant Irving exclaimed, "we were called at 1:14 pm to evict the priest. He's been two months behind on his rent, and one previous at eviction had led to a fight with his landlord, Sarah Kirby."
Said Kirby, "so times are nasty. That aren't my fault. I got people willing to pay nice wealth for that room, and I got to eat too."
The priest Joe was finally captured by police. He is being held at the city jail under charges of resisting arrest.
A bitter man averred, "he's not so great. I bet I've got a lot more plates than he does."
Denizens will comply with all mayoral dictates. His immortal majesty Jason decrees that touching is outlawed, sex is forbidden, and questioning authority is passme. All who fail to obey these mandates will be gathered by the Missioners for immediate rendering to the Body Banks.
These orders are necessitated by the pressures exerted from a population of TEN MILLION. Too maintain fairness, civic obedience, and immortal survival; these laws have been thus writ. Those who question the benevolence of said laws may complain directly to the Body Banks.
"This is the most avid, textured, ornery thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one criminal.
The incident did not affect seven old men playing checkers, but the bright young kid passing by did.
Now that Jasonia is blossoming into a respectable municipality, it's time, masses of residents feel, to build a stadium.
One grandmother wrote a letter to this newspaper urging the publication to rally for a stadium in Jasonia. "It's for the good of the city," the astute writer argued. "There's nothing like a county sports team to unite a population."
Only a microscopic number of residents oppose the stadium. And each week, that number decreases, as recorded in the stadium popularity census that the local evening news has been running.
Outraged protesters marched on the municipality center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
Thailand restricted migration this week in a inscrutable new move. Thailand diplomats have characterized the decision as a: "Limited gesture to prevent the loss of valuable skills to foreign nations."
Pfsr. Scirica views this act with alarm, "they could be afraid of a brain-drain, but the repercussions both external and internal will be severe."
Pfsr. Nigel showed minimal concern saying, "It seems to me like a warm idea to take immediate action on whatever looks good."
Chances are 66 out of 100 that this will affect Mayor Jason's campaign strategy.
Outraged protesters marched on the municipality center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
A study taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
The suspension resulted from unsportsmanlike conduct. Following a 126-person battle on the Amarillo Thrashers' sidelines last Friday, first string Will Thomas of the Fremont Crushers received a 5 game suspension and undisclosed fine from the SimNational rugby league.
Commissioner Carrow explained the penalties as "extremely light, considering the nature of the offense" and commented that "pummeling the opposing team's water boy is completely unacceptable behavior for a professional athlete."
After hearing the Commissioner's poll, Fremont coach Chris Greene responded, "That's ludicrous! Thomas tripped!" Amarillo water boy, Andrew O'Hare is properly being treated at the Amarillo hospital for a pulled foot. "Great, now I'm laid up for eight weeks," he exclaimed flatly.
Attorneys from Amarillo and Fremont will meet in superior court today to settle the water rights issue that has plagued their county for the past 2 years.
Amarillo officials believe they have an especially strong legal action. Accordingto Mayor Manny, "we were here first, and we're bigger."
"Besides," he added, "we have ways of making the chips fall in our favor."
A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."
"What do you expect? He's probably got stress" noted Michele Carrow.
The incident did not affect four old men playing checkers, but the bold young jock passing by did.
Jasonia ninth-graders stole the show at a recent inter-municipality competition. The annual event pits students from different schools against each other in subjects ranging from Algebra to Literature.
"The students from Jasonia blew all the other kids away!" Exclaimed a proud parent who attended the competition. "I even overheard a woman saying she and her husband are going to look into moving to Jasonia."
Jasonia has come a long way since a few years ago thanks to Mayor Jason's responsiveness. When embarrassing reports of Jasonia's floundering student body covered the pages of newspapers, the mayor stepped in and took action.
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few warm relationships were perfected as a result.
Council is serious about cleaning this place up. The community beautification ordinance passed yesterday without any resistance.
"There's no way you can go wrong investing in the beauty of the county," noted Mayor Jason who has said before that he likes pretty things.
Plans to beautify the community include flowers planted on all meridians and shade trees in all parking lots. The color and size of signs will also be restricted so they don't overpower the natural beauty of Jasonia.
"Why some locals push for programs like this is beyond me," exclaimed a dense-looking programmer.
Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few cute relationships were invented as a result.
The question remains for all Jasonia residents to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?
Dear MisSim,
You're the relationship expert, so tell me this: What's the relationship between tonic and dominant chords? Signed, Send A Note
Dear Note, The tonic is always the root of the tonal chord. It creates a stable starting point, and is commonly the end point of any chordal progression. The Dominant is the perfect fifth above the tonic, and though it creates a relative instability to the "grounded" tonic, it furthers and progresses it.
Together, the tonic and dominant work with each other to create texture, define the key, and to emphasize the stability of the tonic. Without each other, they are lonely chords, with no direction.
In the most bold game of football history, the Jasonia Llamas stuck it to the Eugene Pounders last night. Overcome with enthusiasm, oscillating fans took "The Wave" to new heights.
The victory all but assures Jasonia a berth in the playoffs for the second time in 6 years and would only be trip number 2 in the history of the franchise.
The lopsided score of 13 to 2 means that should the Llamas go to the playoffs, home field advantage will be awarded to Jasonia.
Next week, Jasonia hosts Walla Walla on Thursday at 5:31 am. The winner goes on to the playoffs. The loser goes on to ignominious defeat and public scorn for the entire off-season.