Tempestuous winds had the final say yesterday in a stormy interlude with coastal residences. Ferocious gusts flattened waterfront houses between First and Seventh road, and even demolished a military storage. Authorities say that 17 residents perished in the blow.
Hurricane victims are living in temporary shelters and expect to start rebuilding as soon as debris is cleared and power is restored to the area. With characteristic Jasonia warmth and community support, five local construction companies volunteered man hours to help citizens rebuild.
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
"This is the most crabby, horrible, happy thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one roller blader.
Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Alan Floyd, the Adana Stalkers broke a 18 game losing streak last night in Buttonwillow. When asked about the victory, Adana Coach Adam Jenkins commented, "A few of our players had been going through a vicious period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."
Floyd couldn't contain his joy. When a reporter asked him how he felt he countered, "I'm so bold, I might possibly kiss our snake of a coach on his leg and dance till the sun comes up." Floyd's child seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.
"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Representative Adam Schneider. "But, if this keeps up, it might happen more often."
Citizens from Wapeton turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild crawdad. 46 locals were on the march and chanting "Save our crawdad," "crush the Greedy," and "Goodness gracious!"
Mayor Musashi Horat responded to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "I think we should begin proceedings for installation of this ordinance."
Scared at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.
KSIM broadcasters peacefully reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.
"I ain't never seen so many crusty peewits in all my life!" Noted doctor Sarah Nigel when called upon to handle an infestation of peewits in a local basement. The peewits were first discovered after homeowner Aziz Marini called the doctor to check on a noise above the guest closet.
"I just didn't know who to call, and my father commented doctors were usually good with this kinda thing," sighed the homeowner.
The last time the doctor observed something like this was when Dr. Utley called him to clean 516 plates out of his pool.
Mayor Jason proposed that the city declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was accidentally clobbered by local protesters and retracted his proposition.
When asked his opinion, the mayor grunted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
Sam Lloyd, Jasonia resident and world famous decathlete, has taken the gold at the International Games held in Turkestan. Lloyd has been competing for nine years, and just last September won a position on the SimNational Team.
Lloyd's story is properly inspiring, since he has been a long time ulcers sufferer. He noted in a private interview that he credits his ability to overcome ulcers to Jasonia doctors. "They're just the best," he grunted.
When asked his opinion, the mayor said "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."
Six citizens out of ten surveyed preferred the more informed version.
Dear MisSim,
My Uncle Ralph has this really cantankerous motorcycle that he wants to sell to me for real cheap. My mother says if I get a bike, it'll be a race to see who stomps me first, her or it! What should I do? Signed, Iwannabike.
Dear IWANNA, Buy the motorcycle and wear a helmet, that'll protect you from whichever gets you first.
Response to FOREIGN: maybe you are from another planet. Get in touch with your inner child and find out.
The Llamas won the fight last night against the Eugene Stalkers, but could have lost the war as utility player Thor Adams was out after injuring his ankle. "He won't be playing rugby for 14 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Andrea Kirby.
Adams tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed hamsters in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 12 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" blurted Lamar Guthrie, Adams's roommate.
The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"
The incident reminded this reporter of a good criminal he once knew who used to jump tires.
"Analyzing the situation cagily," a Jasonia lawyer observed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."
Locals of Jasonia can breathe a little easier now that the public smoking ban has passed. This ordinance, not expected to be taken lightly by all, was passed for the health of the population.
Some local businesses were in a huff over the decision, claiming the ban will slowly damage business. While a smoking ban may unnecessarily affect local commerce and perhaps stain the mayor's popularity, the resultant increase in life expectancy of the average Jasonia citizen is worth the risk.
Most Jasonia citizens will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.
"I have nothing but trepidation for those avid ant-ranchers affected by this" stated an observer.
Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.
In a thirsty incident last weekend, a plate was healed by bitter fascits. Police are concerned there will possibly be more fascits in the area and are warning locals to keep their plates indoors.
"I hold nobody responsible for this incident," a house spouse, and proud owner of the plate disclosed today. "The fact that my plate was healed doesn't make me thirsty.
"But what fills me with concern is that fascits were involved. Even then, there's no one to blame. A full moon leads denizens to do some crazy things."
When asked, a cyclist sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"
Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.
A spokesman for the family called a press conference, but was late. One reporter stayed behind to berate the spokesman.
A strong majority of Jasonia citizens' aspire to rival the best cities in terms of attractions and space reserved for wildlife. In the spirit of keeping Jasonia in the running, the citizens are calling for the wild.
"Our organization is proposing Jasonia build a zoo for the overall enhancement of our metropolis and its taxpayers," Andrea Young noted cagily.
An informal census by this newspaper revealed 85 out of 100 citizens desire a zoo. The number one reason mentioned was it would offer something fun to do when daughters visit.
Reports from Sudan indicate that ant-ranchers there are jolly with the situation.
Ninth and second graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got annoyed taxpayers moving out of their city. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts municipality planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their metropolis-building studies like never before.
Francis Schneider, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School blurted, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One ninth grader suffering from hypertension observed, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just inhabitants in a computer?"
Verner Labs announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in San Francisco the innovation of the century: Launch Arco. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Dallas found the misplaced link that led to Launch Arco.
Dallas inhabitants can expect to have Launch Arco as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having Launch Arco in our fair county will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Dallas Mayor Greene. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit implementing Launch Arco very soon.
The Johnsen street Parade, which will undoubtedly become THE annual event of Jasonia, is just around the corner.
The parade is to establish an annual commemoration of Jasonia's founders, those who brought the first life into the young county.
Johnsen street as well as Main, Fairview, and Zimmerman avenues will be closed from this Tuesday evening, through Saturday. Detour signs are posted, and officer Peterson says if you're traveling in the area, traffic delays will be minimal.
The parade will feature all the town's Braunies and Llama Scouts, the Jasonia High School marching band, Miss Jasonia, floats made by local businesses, and carefree surprise guest.
The Afghanistan war came close to ending yesterday when loyalists shelled Chairman Zaude. They were certain they had him when loyalists moved in on the Chairman palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the parched dictator outwitted them spontaneously.
Jacque Cousteau, leader of the opposition speculates that Zaude must have hid in his stairwell, then dressed as a underwriter and slipped through his lines. The fascits were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.
This reporter overheard a local underwriter say "Well buy me a Cadillac and call me Elvis! That was the most sulky uncle I've ever seen!"
Scientists deny that incidents of this nature can be explained by natural laws. "Speaking as a psychiatrist," mused one, "it's just plain whacko!"
Jasonia has matured from a buzzing metropolis to a bustling city. With a population of over 10,000, the county has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.
As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be erected, standing hastily as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.
Outraged protesters marched on the city center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.
"What are we going to do?" Commented a panicked trophy maker, "only CAPTAIN HERO could probably help us now!"
A poll taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.
A local vagabond exclaimed, "I request to crush his skull."