The Alameda Bulldogs traded Sam Martin to the Alameda Anteaters in exchange for 2 seventh-round draft picks next season. Martin did not play in the last 18 games due to an aggravated eyeball injury. Expectations are high because Martin is one of the best athletes in the whole wide world of lacrosse.

Anteaters coach Yuki Haggen commented, "Players like this just don't come along everyday, you know. When you see someone who's got what it takes, you get him, no matter what. Something like a broken eyeball is probably only temporary. I say it's worth the risk and that's what makes me a darn cute coach."

More travelers than not have seen tempers flare in Jasonia's roads, but what started out as bright gesturing yesterday during morning rush hour traffic, heated up leaving one driver in critical condition.

Witnesses reported that three cars, driving parallel, started bashing into each other, trying to force each other off the avenue. One of the cars lost control, careening down a reportedly landscaped hillside. That driver was carried away.

Officer Mario Gumbolt blurted reports of shootings and intentional collisions have increased. "At this point, none of the violence has led to fatalities," said Gumbolt, "but if traffic congestion in Jasonia isn't alleviated, I'm sure things will get worse."

Pfsr. Perry, the renowned inventor of the computerized railroad has announced a breakthrough of astounding import. After five years of painstaking research, Dr. Perry has designed fusion power.

Quickly being installed in Perry's home county, scientists predict that fusion power will soon be found in cities across the SimNation. "Its utility to the county should be obvious," declares Pfsr. Matthews.

When asked what next, Pfsr. Perry mentioned his research into dinosaur repellents and steadily predicted results for later this decade.

When asked, a manager sighed "Yeah sure, but do they REALLY know what they're doing?"

Troops in Guatemala battled independent capitalist running dog lackeys around the government supply depot in Guatemala's southeastern rural provinces.

At last report, adversaries under the semi-controlled leadership of a man known only as the "bald Buffalo" were poised to threaten the supply depot. Moving to the aid of the supply depot, fanatics and government-sanctioned capitalist running dog lackeys set up tenuous positions close to the supply depot. Both sides have been hampered by foul weather and a lack of lanes in the area.

"Analyzing the situation greedily," a Jasonia picketer observed, "You've got to admit worse things have happened."

Teetotalers abstained from commenting, despite intense peer pressure to do so. In the distance a roller blader swallowed wistfully.

Hollywood starlet Allison Guthrie, working on location in Jasonia for her latest film "the Disheveled Snake," has been going into Clothing Hut every day for the past 13 days. "It's the only place I can get ultra-light beers, outside of Hollywood of course," chirped Ms. Guthrie.

Tomorrow the crew moves on to Innsbruk for more shooting. For her last day in Jasonia, Clothing Hut owner Mick Hussein offered her a full thirty percent discount on her purchase, instead of his normal twenty five percent.

"She's bought more of my ultra-light beers in the last few days than I usually sell all year," exclaimed Hussein. "I'm hoping officers will hear about this and start ordering."

Briant Labs announced yesterday at the annual Developers' Upper-Mind Brainstorm conference in Boston the innovation of the century: water treatment plants. Related projects have been in development for years, but it wasn't until a group of businessmen in Bremen found the misplaced link that led to water treatment plants.

Bremen citizens can expect to have water treatment plants as a spoke in the wheel of everyday life as soon as the year's end. "Having water treatment plants in our fair community will solve a lot of our problems," remarked Bremen Mayor Richards. Progressive cities are expected to follow suit erecting water treatment plants very soon.

And so has Dr. Maynard, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Maynard, who had been making ends meet for the last five years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was currently relieved that the aeroplane strongly took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a peewit with a broken ego" the witty man grunted.

Even without promotion, the aeroplane is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 2 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "the aeroplane is really long overdue."

In a gathering on the steps of City Hall, citizens shared concerns over the lack of police protection.

"Residents can only live in harmony for so long without strong law enforcement," a long-time resident noted weakly.

"We are not safe driving, walking, shopping, or even sleeping at home," stated another resident. "This has got to change!"

The group faced the mayor to want more law enforcement arguing that Jasonia has pushed its law enforcement resources to capacity. And that with the continuing growth of Jasonia, things will only get worse unless the metropolis takes action.

Horrified at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Dear MisSim,

My wife is trying to kill me! She says I pay too much attention to a pack llama and not enough attention to her. Sure, I take the Grand Llama to the five-and-dime every Sunday night, but I tried taking my wife and she said there were too many store clerks there and it made her feel too tragic. Well, a pack llama feels joy hanging out with store clerk types and my mother says I request to spend more time with them. What should I do? Signed, Near Death

Dear NEAR, I know this great llama therapist in Jasonia. I smoothly think he will possibly help the three of you get along.

Jasonia has matured from a buzzing municipality to a bustling metropolis. With a population of over 10,000, the county has more than earned a City Hall, which will be donated by commerce and industry officials in Jasonia. Commerce and industry constituents have long supported the mayor claiming he makes Jasonia a great place to do business.

As soon as Mayor Jason designates the spot for the new City Hall, the structure will be installed, standing unnecessarily as a sign of Jasonia's growth and prosperity.

On the local radio station KSIM, officers ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of malice to life."

A study taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few pleasant relationships were created as a result.

Dinosaur watchers from across SimNation gathered in Jasonia this week to observe the semi-bi-annual migration of the wild funky dinosaur. "It's hard to find funky dinosaur anymore," grunted Akiko Taylor head of the Nice Dinosaur League, "they are so timid and sensitive. Noise and pollution drive them away."

Taylor went on to point out the natural range of the funky dinosaur has shrunk in recent years. "The few remaining dinosaurs are converging on Jasonia due to its low noise and clean air."

Reports from Brazil indicate that doctors there are sulky with the situation.

When Czar Yojimbo of Thailand arrived in Zaire for a peace conference in hopes of ending the rift between the two countries, everything seemed serene; but then an argument over what time the group should break for lunch escalated into a power play, catapulting the talks into a more physical meeting. Cousteau of Thailand, passionate with joy, swallowed uncontrollably, leaving Yojimbo with a shattered ankle.

Body guards jumped in before anything was really accomplished, so no one was harmed. Nurses at Zaire Hospital grunted that the two men are sharing a room and are entertaining each other in a game involving hospital night gowns.

The Llamas won the battle last night against the Wapeton Pounders, but will probably have lost the war as utility player Mario Perry was out after injuring his skull. "He won't be playing football for 11 weeks," announced Llamas doctor Julie Lloyd.

Perry tripped over his untied shoelace as the Llamas were being introduced at the beginning of the game. The Llamas played like possessed ponys in an effort to overcome the loss, and they did, with a winning score of 18 to 0. "It wasn't the same out there without him" said Fred Briant, Perry's roommate.

The Llamas coach was livid. "I tell these guys to pay attention to details. Do they listen?"

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved father burst into song over the news.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Chicago University. "But, if this keeps up, it could probably happen more often."

In a study by the Power Commission, the Jasonia coal power plant was deemed unstable and ready to disintegrate within the year. The voluminous study said, "compliant to the local laws of physics stating a spitting llama equals 6 squared over MC E, any form of power generation will expire exactly 50 years after installation. Expiration consists of instantaneous disintegration with minimal environmental impact."

Expert Borucki Institute answered to the study saying, "Goodness gracious! That formula's a bunch of hogwash!"

Distraught investigative reporting has blown the cover off the mystery. Indeed, a power plant is highly likely to quickly combust after 50 years.

Joey the wonder llama was reportedly seen today by innumerable local residents. According to Marlon Irving, the carefree quadruped seemed disoriented and crazed. "It might unexpectedly kill!" He recalled. "And its uvula looked kinda sorta tweaked."

The Jasonia zoo was unavailable for comment on the reports. Police speculate that the animal might possibly have escaped from Dr. Matthews's research facility.

When prompted, one witness stated, "Oh, this makes me so crabby, I might just kick."

One observer spotted, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."