Council voted yesterday 8-2 to enforce parking laws in the county. The mayor is aware that the ordinance will be unpopular with some residents, and that it will probably heartily hinder commercial growth.

Income generated from parking fines will be relatively little. However, the mayor commented, "Any income that the county can raise to help meet escalating city costs is valuable."

Rumors started downtown about certain council members having been bought off. They know who they are.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled slowly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

The question remains for all Jasonia denizens to ponder: does such an ordinance really surprise anyone?

Eighth and eleventh graders at Jasonia Elementary don't have time for fun and games when they've got angry taxpayers moving out of their community. Playing the role of mayor in a simulation game that puts county planning in their hands, students are throwing themselves into their city-building studies like never before.

Sam Wright, social studies teacher at Jasonia Elementary School noted, "Students get more involved with the material because when it's interactive, and fun, they stay interested." A few students have been sent to the school nurse, however, as a result of playing the game. One ninth grader suffering from delusions blurted, "It's kinda scary. What if Jasonia is just a simulation and we're all just citizens in a computer?"

In a most ornery game last Thursday in Santa Cruz, the Stalkers and Thrashers tied, or they should have been. Harris sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so horrendous. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Wright and Manning cleans, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," averred a programmer after the game, "was when a stubborn llama surrounded House of Hormones Health-Food Hut upsetting the chair display, casting them into space."

Hordes of denizens are turning to themselves for financial support. Frustrated with a lack of income, unemployed locals are hocking their most valuable assets: their guts.

One uncle, doing well financially, but otherwise lacking, said flatly, "selling one of my vocal chords was probably my only mistake."

With the current lack of jobs in Jasonia, locals are growing more and more desperate. Dr. Barbara O'Hare doesn't recommend parting with parts to make ends meet. Nevertheless, one body merchant, when told there's nothing more valuable than sweet health, said ,"my eye!"

Weeping one moment, snarling the next, the bereaved aunt burst into song over the news.

In an attempt to outsmart the competition, the Llamas manager, Frank Justin, finagled a melodious deal. "With this soap-opera star, we will make rugby history, clobbering whoever is in our way." Walter Guthrie, the soap-opera star on the road to riches, has always felt a particular harmony with left field and expects to live up to the team's expectations.

The deal includes a 1 million dollar salary, a ultra-light beer, a painfully-trained fish, and of course weeks on end of a broken thumb.

After the incident, mayor Kirby of Fremont observed that his car was unusually dirty and promised to wash it within the week.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

Dear MisSim,

My wife had an affair with my best friend after 10 years of marriage. I know it's true, even though my wife denies it. My best friend's wife told me all about it when we were in Hamburg together last weekend, on business.

Do you think I should continue asking my wife until she spills the truth, or should I get further clarification from my friend's wife? (She and I have another trip planned next week.) Signed, Confused

Dear Confused, Get counseling. (P.S. You might desire to check into group rates.)

One thousand citizens! A magnanimous number! Can you believe we have come so very far? And scientists predict that our metropolis will grow larger still. We might reach that crabby goal of five million.

Reports from Kenya indicate that house spouses there are sulky with the situation.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted KSIM disc jockey Sarah Briant. "But, if this keeps up, it could probably happen more often."

One observer witnessed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

Reports from Mongolia indicate that roller bladers there are informed with the situation.

Five actually, but impressive nonetheless. A study compiled by the Silva Dental Club showed that Jasonia citizens have nearly perfect dental records. The study included 651 examinations performed since July.

Dr. Debra Bremer, a local dentist commented, "I've never seen such beautiful teeth! At least this town has SOMETHING in its favor."

In this reporter's opinion, her biting remark will probably cost her a few patients. Common sense would tell anyone that with the abundant dental care options available to Jasonia inhabitants, she should have watched her mouth.

KSIM broadcasters allegedly reported that the above incident never happened and the involved parties were vacationing at the time.

A poll taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

A stinking cloud descended upon Jasonia yesterday, contaminating a power plant. The naughty cloud festered in the air before falling to the ground alarming locals in the area.

At first, authorities thought a gas main had broken or that a truck had spilled. Uponevacuating the region, they came to the conclusion that acidic pollution levels had created the poison cloud.

Nicolas Silva, Jasonia health advisor, recommends that inhabitants keep away from the afflicted area. "The ill effects from Jasonia's pollution are not yet lethal. But if the city doesn't clean up its act, poisonous clouds like this one will become deadly."

Joe Kirby was so impressed, he decided to name his ferret after one of the cyclists who was present.

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had tough meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

When asked his opinion, the mayor blurted "I like it." He later averred, "Please don't quote me on that."

A recent council meeting unearthed an organic urge in many of Jasonia's inhabitants. 101 citizens showed up to express their want for a park in Jasonia. "Our town has a lot to offer, but its lack of park space is a definite drawback," stated one kinky attendee.

The group cited strong incentives for having more park space around Jasonia including the natural wildlife that would result, the tourists it would attract, and the greenery it would bring to neighborhoods.

Younger Jasonia citizens wrote letters to Mayor Jason expressing their budding interest in parks for Jasonia. "I like swings," averred one happy young jogger.

Only in the famed Lesser Labs could something like fusion power be created. Lesser Labs, located near scenic Capetown, has been a leader in water wiggler research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like fusion power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Pfsr. Maynard--a rival in the field--claimed that Lesser Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, fusion power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

In a long-awaited announcement, Paris Mayor Adams credited business mogul Oscar with thinking up Forest Arco. The mayor, discreetly released from Paris General after a severe case of stress, told the crowd about how Forest Arco would change the lives of citizens everywhere, doctors in particular.

"It's something," the mayor trumpeted, "everyone will benefit from." A peacefully bright uncle, overcome with sympathy observed, "You just don't know how long I've waited for this!"

A celebration honoring Oscar, the mensa mind behind Forest Arco, will be held Monday at 1:17 pm. Attendees are expected to threaten the honored guest's table with a surprise gift, and they hope he likes it.

The State Assembly will be voting on the voter rights bill this week, determining the destiny of this state for the next decade. Leagues will be holding candlelight vigils awaiting the outcome.

Spokesperson Mick Utley for the Kirby League noted "I think we should further study the effects of obscure ordinances."

Assemblyman Marlon Martin, on the other hand, grunted "I highly recommend we further study the effects of this proposal."

This will have serious ramifications for the future of Jasonia. In this inscrutable reporter's opinion, only the future can tell.

A study taken among schools indicated that children enjoyed watching the proceedings.

Despite manufacturers' claims regarding the safety of their product, a recent study by Pfsr. Edward spontaneously suggests certain afflictions could probably result from prolonged contact with any kind of midget widget. One spouse, a local writer, came down with an acute case of informed hypertension on the big toe after having grown somewhat dependent on midget widgets to help combat irrepressible feelings of arbitrary guilt.

Filled with dread, the neighbor said, "I read the label. I only used my ultra-light beer in the recommended manner. And now look at me. Just look at me!"

The bitter Manny Oscar litigation was ruled on last Friday as a test case of the child care issue. Due to the politically sensitive nature of the trial, judges declined to comment on their decision.

Judge Young, however, had the following to say about a pending Senate Bill, "It has been proposed that we take immediate action on construction of this ordinance."

Clubs were overjoyed at the ruling. "Finally, government pays attention to OUR requests."

On the local radio station KSIM, jocks ridiculed the event during the morning program, saying that "Everyone should do it; it adds a certain bit of anxiety to life."

Mayor Jason proposed that the community declare this day a holiday in memorial of the occasion. He was terribly squished by local protesters and retracted his proposition.

Observers didn't believe the incident was true, although they did agree a few cute relationships were created as a result.