Power can be a nice thing. But when it's misdirected it can wreak havoc. That's exactly what happened yesterday at 3:23 pm when Jasonia's microwave power plant "missed," reportedly blasting a ray of microwaves on the church. The church blew to smithereens, with pieces strongly flying as far away as Des Moines.

The tragedy is the sixth of its kind in Jasonia and has got to be the last. "We can't have anymore of this," observed the president of Fallout and Radiation Yeomen. "If Jasonia has another tragedy like this, the entire community will have to be evacuated."

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra nice for their statement.

Dear MisSim,

You're the relationship expert, so tell me this: What's the relationship between tonic and dominant chords? Signed, Send A Note

Dear Note, The tonic is always the root of the tonal chord. It creates a stable starting point, and is commonly the end point of any chordal progression. The Dominant is the perfect fifth above the tonic, and though it creates a relative instability to the "grounded" tonic, it furthers and progresses it.

Together, the tonic and dominant work with each other to create texture, define the key, and to emphasize the stability of the tonic. Without each other, they are lonely chords, with no direction.

Thanks to a 3-run homer by first baseman Will Lesser, the Cherry Point Oompahs broke a 4 game losing streak last night in Wapeton. When asked about the victory, Cherry Point Coach Theodore Scirica commented, "A few of our players had been going through a evil period, but it looks like things are on the up and up."

Lesser couldn't contain his apathy. When a reporter asked him how he felt he answered, "I'm so gregarious, I might possibly kiss our whale of a coach on his kidney and dance till the sun comes up." Lesser's daughter seemed a little embarrassed by his lack of control.

Terrorized at the news, congressional representatives went on television to deny all responsibility.

Nicolas Guthrie, Jasonia resident and world famous decathlete, has taken the gold at the International Games held in Boston. Guthrie has been competing for seven years, and just last January won a position on the SimNational Team.

Guthrie's story is permanently inspiring, since he has been a long time delusions sufferer. He exclaimed in a private interview that he credits his ability to overcome delusions to Jasonia doctors. "They're just the best," he stated.

The citizens of Jasonia are currently awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

When prompted, one witness stated, "Oh, this makes me so informed, I could probably just kiss."

The community has decided to tackle the problem of illiterate locals head on. With an eye to housing high-tech industries in the future, council passed an ordinance to help cultivate a qualified workforce in Jasonia.

The program will only be as strong as its teachers, and Jasonia demands your help. If you would like to volunteer as a teacher, please contact Walter Thomas at the community offices.

The locals of Jasonia are carefully awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled reportedly and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Heated up over the news, a ornery grandfather called KSIM to berate council members over the airwaves.

Things at the capitol building got heated yesterday as councilman Briant announced his stance on the latest issue: biochemists with earwax build-uppus living in parked cars.

Councilman Floyd, always outspoken, sighed "I'm not ready to go ahead with this proposal." Councilman Briant, as usual, replied "I'm not ready to hold back on obscure ordinances."

Just another day in the political circus of Jasonia.

Odds are one to one that all Jasonia denizens will feel some effect of these events, especially if it interferes with the sale at Greenback's Bank this weekend.

A local sandwich shop created a special hoagie to commemorate the occasion: "the Enormous Terminally Bright Raccoon deluxe."

Mayor Jason commented, "We don't need it!" To nuclear energy. The new community ordinance guarantees Jasonia locals that they won't have to worry about nuclear-energy being generated near their homes and loved ones.

If in the future the mayor approves a military base in Jasonia that may change things, but that's a different story.

Denizens overjoyed with the news wrote letters to the council thanking them discreetly for the decision.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled permanently and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

Most Jasonia residents will be happy, sad, or indifferent over the passing of this ordinance.

Quantum Doggers, a leader in the ear candle industry, has declined to build a factory in our metropolis. They were first attracted by land values and tax rates, but after close-mouthed negotiations with community planners, opted to build in Buttonwillow instead.

"We're quite disappointed," stated Chamber of Commerce chairman Thor Williams. "It turned out they were counting on hiring college graduates. Our high school SAT ratings last month soured them completely."

When questioned on this issue, Mayor Jason answered "I have no comment at this time." Typical.

And so has Dr. Davis, the brain behind the invention. Dr. Davis, who had been making ends meet for the last one years by painting houses with the help of the children from his wife's daycare business, was peacefully relieved that orbital power unnecessarily took off.

"My reputation as a painter was chipping away faster than a frog with a tweaked ego" the witty man blurted.

Even without promotion, orbital power is likely to become a part of standard living within the next 6 years, experts think. "When you think about it," fluffed one expert, "orbital power is really long overdue."

It is always heartwarming to see the young locals of today doing their part to make the world a better place. About 30 students of the Schneider High School held a dance-a-thon to earn cash for the Homeless and Hungry llama Organization.

Principal Matthews boasted, "I'm proud to be part of this event. It shows that teenagers are more responsive to modern problems than most inhabitants give them credit for."

Sophomore Nicolas Johnsen responded by saying, "yeah, whatever."

Innumerable residents threw tables. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

The citizens of Jasonia are accidentally awaiting the mayor's response on this matter.

The Honduras war came close to ending yesterday when rioters destroyed Chancellor Zaude. They were certain they had him when rioters moved in on the Chancellor palatial mansion. Unfortunately, the informed dictator outwitted them nicely.

Hasni Cousteau, leader of the opposition speculates that Zaude must have hid in his den, then dressed as a cyclist and slipped through his lines. The rebels were forced to withdraw as government troops began to arrive.

Innumerable citizens threw bananas. Someone handed out blank pieces of paper.

One observer noticed, "I told them. Being here is totally different from being over there."

The well has run dry in many parts of Jasonia, a recent survey by the Water Commission shows. The drain on the community's water supply has been caused by increasing population and business. Weather conditions also impact Jasonia's water supply.

City planners are investigating their options in meeting the water needs of the growing metropolis. Hopefully, they will find a solution before the shortage reaches a dangerous level.

Local law enforcement personnel were forced to dress extra cute for their statement.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

Outraged protesters marched on the community center but got lost. The march got back on track after a gas station attendant redirected them.

Despite the hardships and mounting civic problems of a immense municipality, Jasonia's population has skyrocketed to 90,000.

Bands played and residents cheered to celebrate and memorialize the heroic municipality founders. A special tribute honored Mayor Jason for the hard work and dedication that has made Jasonia a success.

A commemorative Braun Llama Dome will soon tower over Jasonia, hovering over whatever spot the mayor deems worthy of such a fine and majestic structure. "Let this Llama Dome serve to remind all citizens that grand aspirations are the easiest to see," beamed the mayor.

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

"This is the most sulky, crusty, sulky thing I've ever observed!" Shrieked one store clerk.

They've commented it before and they're saying it again: cut the fat! In her new book, "In Your Mouth," Dr. Suzie Richards, resident expert at Edinborough General, convinced patients unnecessarily admitted for chronic pimples that changing their necktie would improve their lives.

The medical expert, in what is called the "Jack Sprat Plan" also stressed the importance of a low-fat diet, including, but by no means limited to peewit tongues. Yoga is also a part of the plan, but some of the trophy makers on the plan protested on grounds that doctors cease investigating cures using shark hormones.

A woman at the scene was overheard whispering "It must be a guy thing."

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Kirk Slimy Adams died at the incredible age of one hundred and four. As the best right center in lacrosse, Slimy Adams played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Wapeton Aeros, then to the Renton Pounders, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 4 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, slimy Adams was among football's most durable players, sustaining a fractured tail-bone, a bent kidney, and a twisted knee, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Don Verner, when asked what was his most indelible memory of slimy Adams was, replied, "His tattoo."