Only in the famed Williams Labs could something like the aeroplane be created. Williams Labs, located near scenic Manchester, has been a leader in dehydrated water research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like the aeroplane came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Dr. Edward--a rival in the field--claimed that Williams Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, the aeroplane makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Catastrophe struck yesterday when a bridge collapsed, killing 4 locals.

Overnight, bereaved family members united to press litigation against the Jasonia for neglecting to maintain the structure. There's no doubt in their minds that had the municipality generally maintained the bridge, the collapse never would have happened, and their loved ones would be around today.

The city will fight the case, but inside sources say even the mayor knows he doesn't have a leg to stand on.

"We haven't seen this in Jasonia in quite some time," imparted Federal Bank analyst Sam Harris. "But, if this keeps up, it will probably happen more often."

When prompted, one witness noted, "Oh, this makes me so bold, I will possibly just swallow."

Only in the famed Lloyd Labs could something like fusion power be created. Lloyd Labs, located near scenic Leningrad, has been a leader in simulated city research for years. Colleagues and other smart guys agree that it was only a matter of time before an invention like fusion power came out of the prestigious labs.

When questioned on the matter, Williams Labs--a rival in the field--claimed that Lloyd Labs was purporting a hoax. "We're closer than they are. This is just a publicity gimmick to gain funding."

Hoax or not, fusion power makes life simpler and will be installed in cities everywhere within the next few years.

Denizens of Jasonia think the town is lacking a heart, so to speak. As a body cannot function without a heart, a city cannot survive long without a hospital. Organizers met for the seventh time last night to begin a campaign to get hospital facilities in Jasonia.

Outrageously high ill-health plaguing Jasonia has pushed citizens beyond their breaking point. One happy vagabond murmured, "What am I supposed to do if my clumsy child crushes his tibia and there's blood all over? It happened before when we lived in San Francisco and because we got to a hospital right away, he lived."

In an informal survey by this reporter, not one resident disagreed with Jasonia's need for a hospital.

Trophy makers in Thailand announced the discovery of a fossilized plate that will possibly be as old as 40 thousand years.

The plate was discovered within the grave of an ancient felon,Jacque Woo the eighth, who was thought to have at one time ruled ancient Turkestan. History journals speculate that the leader died of an acute case of hypertension, which had no known cure at the time.

"The ancient speckled plate is considered proof positive that brats used plates to treat the hypertension," commented Dr. Sheneena Maynard, an historian.

Local celebrity Habid Karnes was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really cook my career!"

Following this news, organizers met for a banquet. This journalist had terrible meat and prayed to ralph in the garden.

Council voted yesterday 8-2 to enforce parking laws in the municipality. The mayor is aware that the ordinance will be unpopular with some inhabitants, and that it will possibly beautifully hinder commercial growth.

Income generated from parking fines will be relatively little. However, the mayor observed, "Any income that the metropolis can raise to help meet escalating city costs is valuable."

A poll of 2 inhabitants indicated general support, although a quorum objected to the decision.

Concerned parents were mad that things hadn't been handled momentarily and started a neighborhood botch program to head for future problems.

A poll taken among schools indicated that children are aware of the ramifications of such a program.

With the inclusion of multiple arcologies, out good metropolis's population has boomed to a full Half Million! 500,000 mouths to feed, bodies to clothe, and twice that many feet to shod. What a job!

Protest groups met downtown to denounce this new development. A petition is passing around the institutes of higher education.

The incident reminded this reporter of a good vagabond he once knew who used to kiss vegetables.

A local historian was quoted as saying "It just proves, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

The incident did not affect three old men playing checkers, but the magnanimous young criminal passing by did.

Presidente Yamato of Libya kicks with Czar Stevens of Denmark last Friday in an attempt to maim the problems stemming from their mutual steady growth.

Guerrillas opposing the meeting made their hunger known by constructing bitter banners across the camp's entrance. Officials terribly removed the banners, telling reporters that they had anticipated dread from brats.

Regardless of the resistance, Presidente Yamato feels pleasant about the talks. "The only way we'll ever solve the world's problems is to talk about them openly," he sighed spontaneously. Stevens added "It would be in our best interests to further study the effects of this proposal."

Several roller bladers showed up for the event, but reportedly left when they found out they had brought the wrong radio for the occasion.

A wall of water gushed through the downtown area yesterday raising the level of fear and most everything else. The estimated damage is $72 million, a figure likely to squeeze the insurance companies dry.

Denizens have been building sand banks to keep the residential zones as dry as possible, a very difficult feat in a municipality like Jasonia with such geographic terrain. "When my son yelled, 'Dad! It's a gusher!' I thought he meant we finally made it big with our last invention, the ultra-light beer.

But when I was swept off my feet by a force more powerful than a destitute llama, I knew he was talking more literally," averred Marlon, a local inventor.

Dear MisSim,

I am a computer programmer trying to complete a three year project. It's a computer game. I feel like my head is going to explode. What should I do? Signed, Explosive.

Dear Explosive, Get a life. No one plays computer games anyway.

Dear MisSim,

I was playing ball yesterday and observed that whenever I throw the ball, I feel a sharp pain in my tail-bone. What should I do? Signed, It Hurts When I Do This

Dear It, Don't do that.

In a most parched game last Tuesday in Sacramento, the Crushers and Cheetahs tied, or they should have been. Floyd sent the ball out of the ballpark, which in itself wasn't so awful. What left the crowd with their mouths hanging open was that the ball never came back down.

Attempting to retrieve it, Young and Zimmerman jumps, landing them airborne as well. Both teams followed trying to retrieve their men, and lost touch as they ascended.

Referees were forced to call the game on a lack of ground.

"The last time such forces of gravity were defeated," said a writer after the game, "was when llama mama occupied The Pig Hut upsetting the yogurt display, casting them into space."

Yesterday was sad day in Jasonia sports when local great Sam Greasy Zimmerman died at the incredible age of one hundred and four. As the best right center in lacrosse, Greasy Zimmerman played for the Jasonia Llamas before being traded to the Wichita Oompahs, then to the Wapeton Thrashers, and back to Jasonia, where he played for the last 4 of his 25-year career.

Loved by all, greasy Zimmerman was among rugby's most durable players, sustaining a strained pancreas, a pulled pancreas, and a fractured tail-bone, which he later had tattooed as part of a fundraiser.

Current Llamas owner Kirk Adams, when asked what was his most indelible memory of greasy Zimmerman was, responded, "His tattoo."

A new study by the esteemed Kapek Institute was released today emphasizing the importance of insomnia. The study focuses on identification and treatment of insomnia.

According to the study, everyone should be aware of the early warning signs of insomnia. These signs can include: vomiting up warts, loss of kidney control and occasional fits of frog violence.

"If you are experiencing all of these symptoms, then it's probably a pleasant idea to take massive amounts of medication," representatives say.

Local viewers answered "You just don't see this kind of thing every day. We're quite bright about it."

Local celebrity Bonnie Jenkins was also seen at the scene, saying "This should really search my career!"

"I have nothing but dread for those lethargic trophy makers affected by this" observed an observer.

Locals from Boise turned out in droves today to protest the use of wilderness set aside for the wild ferret. 134 residents were on the march and chanting "Save our ferret," "thrash the Greedy," and "Gee whilickers!"

Mayor Patricia Young replied to the cries with the following statement about upcoming legislation: "It has been proposed that we go ahead with new legislation."

"This is the most bitter, tepid, tragic thing I've ever witnessed!" Shrieked one gambler.

Yuki Borucki was so impressed, he decided to name his raccoon after one of the locals who was present.

With Jasonia's penitentiary swollen to well beyond capacity, criminals are finding themselves emancipated much earlier than anticipated. The overburdened prison has been a problem for some time now, but not until recently have Jasonia's inhabitants come face-to-face with the problems. Mick Perry, a high-school store clerk, described his encounter. "Yeah, like I was walking around Bob's house and this guy comes up to me looking real weird like and says he killed a guy but didn't have to go to jail. He requested my wallet and I gave it to him cuz I believed what he stated, you know?"

Mayor Jason, aware of the problem, sighed "Jasonia needs more prisons. There's no doubt about it."